Per the Australia Bureau Of Statistics their country’s primary exports are coal, iron ore, wheat and petroleum. However, if the last week is any indicator, they are also solely producing the world’s supply of Fuck Yeah. Any country who wished to topple this Regime of Extreme would literally have to found a cagefighting organization that only had weight classes for Heavyweights, Super Heavyweights, and Bears.
Yeah, I’d pay to see this too
In the last week alone, three stories emerged from Down Under that prove my theorem. For maximum appreciation while reading, please shotgun a beer and do 50 knuckle-pushups at the completion of each section. This will ensure proper pump-uppage.
Fuck Yeah #1:
Spiders Step Up Their Game
Scientists cite tectonic plate motion and continental drift as the reason for Pangea’s splintering into multiple sub-continents. What Academia usually fails to address is the Pangean conspiracy to get the world’s most aggressive and lethal creatures all concentrated on the southern tip so it could cleave it off to form Australia and run away screaming in terror.
One such abomination is the Golden Orb Weaver, a spider the size of an adult fist with an apparent taste for warm blood. Joel Shakespeare, a zookeeper at NSW’s Australian Reptile Park, captured the carnage below for posterity/nightmares:
Spider - it’s Australian for 8-legged wombat with aggression issues.
Fuck Yeah #2:
Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt Em
Senior Detective Matthew Flood introduced the world to his unique philosophies on gun control this week during a foot chase with suspect James Lyle Rakatau. Fighting crime in accordance with rugby rules, he tackled the suspect. In the ensuing scuffle the suspect freed Sen. Detective Flood’s gun from his holster and brandished it towards him. In Australia this gesture is considered somewhat rude. The detective opted to clamp his fist on the cylinder so the revolver couldn’t fire and jam his finger between the hammer and primer. For those having difficulty conceptualizing this, I cobbled together a quick diagram:
When asked for comment at a press conference, Sen. Detective Flood held up the mic responded “Just another day on the job.” He then used his free hand to topple a drug cartel and rescue 13 children from a burning orphanage.
Fuck Yeah #3:
The Ichthyoid Uprising Begins
A 34 year old UK tourist was reminded this week of his tenuous foothold on the top of the foodchain while visiting Oceanworld in Manly, Australia. During a sanctioned shark swimming excursion his scalp was lacerated by a passing nurse shark. Park officials are calling it an accident, not a transparent attempt by the shark to tenderize their snack a bit.
The explanation is consistent with the commonly held notion that nurse sharks are generally placid. Unfornately, in the rugged wild of Australia even “placid” has a sliding definition along the lines of “May not go after your relatives after it mauls your face off”.
When nurse sharks start drawing blood it’s no accident. It’s a warning shot across the bow of humanity. Nay-sayers should consider that the media didn’t report on this letter found on the scene after the incident:
Dear Humans,
We get it. Some jerkoff marine biologist calls us “nurse sharks” and suddenly you think it’s safe to swim with us. Well, here’s a quick newsflash for you - we weren’t put on this earth to change your bedpans and apply fresh bandages to your boo-boos. We are swimming murderbots with an agenda for your ass.
Maybe Chip the 2nd String Lifeguard who led you on this expedition should have mentioned our name comes from our propensity to eat prey larger than our mouth by biting down and sucking their flesh down our throats. So unless you want your torso to start “lactating” out your liver, maybe you’d better stay on land.
Shark
P.S. Enclosed are 2 or 3 teeth I’m not even using any more. I’ve got fucking DOZENS of them, y’hear?
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