Loading ...If you’re anything like me, you’re constantly haunted by the desire to be physically handicapped. It’s not that I crave overcoming the obstacles of an occasionally inhospitable world – that sounds like a lot of work. I didn’t exactly get into writing because I enjoy exertion. Sloth is actually my primary motivation because these days you can get machines to do
everything
for you.
Who wouldn’t throw themselves in front a moving car (preferably a hybrid subcompact designed to only lightly maim pedestrians) to get access to a robot who can not only lift you out of bed, but is coordinated enough to make you a Spanish omelette. This machine is so sophisticated it can even be programmed to have ulterior motives for providing a delicious breakfast in bed:
“I was thinking after you eat we could go to Bed, Bath & Beyond?”
Hell, you don’t even need hands anymore. Still, don’t run out and buy those deep-discounted used bungee cords for bridge jumps over Neckbreaker Ravine just yet. For all of the advances science has made to counter life’s obstacles, there have been some glaring oversights. As evidenced this week in Florida, science has chosen to overlook everyone’s basic, inalienable right to commit crime. A 45-year-old wheelchair-bound man, wishing only to have the chance to rob a bank like any other American, quickly realized the technology at his disposal was grossly discriminatory. He was nabbed by officials one block away from the bank, probably because his Rascal was foiled by an especially steep speedbump.
“For what it’s worth, this was the most successful getaway by a drunken paraplegic traveling 7 m.p.h. that I can remember.”
We must ask ourselves as a people why we have allowed Science to be such a prejudiced bag of dicks. The technology to allow this caper to succeed exists, but Science has forced its subjective non-bank-robbing morality by not implementing it. Take his wheelchair, for example. The average motorized wheelchair fleeing at top speed would be easily overtaken by SWAT’s moped patrol. However, if more of them came with a nitrous oxide (NOS) system installed as stock, a whole world of criminal opportunity opens up. It’s what Vin Diesel would do – has his judgement ever lead us astray?
“It comes in two modes – ‘Fast’ and ‘Furious’. I’m a big fan of ‘Furious’, but that’s just me.”
It doesn’t end with transportation either. The aforementioned man had no better use for his prosthetic leg than as storage for this ill-gotten gains while escaping. It’s a sad world when people see more utility in their fake leg as a coin purse than a conveyance. That’s why I’m so pleased to see Honda recently unveil its design for robotic legs to assist people in his situation. They claim this apparatus is primarily designed to empower the elderly and enhance productivity for factory workers, but what better time to enhance mobility than during a foot chase with po-po on your tail?
“Some users complained that the seat tended to ride up, but others quietly confessed it was their favorite feature.”
Honda, since you seem to be the only company with a commitment to cybernetic crime, let me make a further request. Most of the prosthetic hands being developed are focusing on delicate finger articulation, meaning they’re overlooking critical features like Kung Fu Grip. Not the anemic version proffered by G.I. Joe figurines frozen in perpetual handshake preparation, but an actual flesh clamp with the power of an entire martial art distilled into it. I’ve even come up with the initial marketing:
With the ongoing partnership between Honda and villainy, the handicapped are no longer relegated to be “the ingenious hacker” in crime syndicates. Now they can be the muscle. The human spirit triumphs in the face of adversity yet again!
“No, I don’t have a gun. But if you don’t give me the cash I’ll tear your arms off. Puny human.”
Ian Cheesman is aware that the content of this article is potentially controversial, but that’s why he was so diligent about avoiding the term “cripple”. Oh shit. Where’s the delete key on this infernal handless keyboard?
