Loading ...It’s Thanksgiving time, and while the typical American family’s annual tradition of violently arguing with their in-laws and swearing about football while simultaneously attempting to devour an entire gargantuan, hideous bird may seem a little odd to you, just remember: It could be worse… you could be some sort of crazy foreigner! So, in the spirit of ignorant xenophobia, I present to you a few different ways people have celebrated their Thanksgiving that make you look like kind of a pussy for complaining about the fact that there’s grapes in your stuffing, (seriously, why are there grapes in the stuffing? Nobody likes that. Don’t do that.)
Hangin’ Out with Hippies in the Desert
The Ancient Egyptians celebrated their spring harvest-time with festivities dedicated to Min, the god of vegetation and fertility. Yes, they had one god for both ferns and fuckin’, a fact which may well have made Min the world’s very first hippy.
They would engage in the general sort of all-around carousing you’d expect of an Ancient people just stoked at the prospect of not starving to death for a few weeks, but more specifically they mimicked a lot of the fundamentals that make up our modern day Thanksgivings: They threw parades, feasted, and even watched sporting events!
However, the similarities end there, as it was also tradition to throw yourself upon the ground and wail in extreme mock-grief in order to fool the crop spirits. So unless you have to sob like a little girl with a dead pony every time you see a sweet potato, it’s safe to say your Holiday’s got one up on the ancient Egyptians.
Celebrating Cheerios
The Romans held an annual festival in the fall of every year in honor of their harvest god, Ceres. They threw the standard sporting events, parades, and feasts that are still common to most harvest celebrations, and all was generally unremarkable save for the standard vomiting and orgies that made Ancient Romans so great. The festival was called Cerelia, and because Ceres was the god of the corn crop, we eventually derived the word for Cereal from those celebrations.
Ceres just wants to know what the deal is with those plastic bags – so hard to open! Right?!
While that certainly doesn’t sound all bad, you’ve just got to think how shitty the rest of the year had to be, when your entire society throws a giant parade in honor of the simple fact that people get to have breakfast.
We Give Thanks to Thee For This Night Train, O Lord
So, they gather together in the autumn cold, under a shoddy patchwork shelter whose roof is open to the elements, and feast on whatever they can get their hands on. Yeah, next time you think you’ve got it bad – enduring passive aggressive jabs from distant relatives for a few hours every year – just think of the Jewish community, who “celebrate” the traditional time of plenty by pretty much being homeless vegans in the cold for over a week.
Read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, or just get drunk and punch your step-dad because he’s not the boss of you!
