Barack Obama, politician and occasional messiah, has finally graduated from Almost President But Not Quite.  Expectations of his arrival have not only been sky-high among liberals whining “But I want my Change NOOWWW!” but by the current administration as well.  Recently Bush, after being apprised on the tumult in Gaza, commented “Oh fuck me…what now?  Isn’t that other guy president yet?!”

The people’s thirst for more Obama-related news prior to the inauguration was unquenchable and the media dutifully delivered it.  They just weren’t letting the reality of him not doing dick get in the way.

Breaking News: Obama Eats Lunch!

In a dramatic move that has pundits abuzz, Obama has deemed it necessary to eat a meal in the middle of the day.  Fox News doesn’t know what this “lunch” business is about, but they’re pretty sure it has something to do with Obama’s ties to Al Qaeda.

“Inside sources suggest he will metabolize this meal and possibly defecate the remainder.  Updates to follow”

In fairness, this article was really about Obama eating in public, which certainly would be noteworthy to those in view.  It’s also news to his followers that previously believed he subsisted on the fanciful dreams of children while frolicking in Rainbow Land among the unicorns.

Breaking News: The Unofficial Cognac

Of The Inauguration Is Here!

Corporate America knows there is no better way to honor Obama’s message of hope and change than to co-opt it for profit.  That’s why Henessey is proud to announce the completely unsanctioned and probably unwelcomed “Official” cognac to celebrate the inauguration.

“Smooth, yet bold.  Just like a certain president-elect who won’t return our calls.”

My elite team of booze historians informed me that no cognac, Henessey or otherwise, has ever chosen a presidential candidate to associate themselves with.  I don’t know if that means Obama should be honored or if this is part of a clandestine conspiracy to have America equate Barack to SNL’s “Ladies Man”:

“Can I offer you some Courvoisier, Speaker Pelosi?”

Breaking News: Obama Has Opinion On Sports!
Until January 20th, 2009, Obama barely has the executive power to upgrade his cable tv service, let alone affect U.S. policy.  That hasn’t stopped him from sounding off on critical matters, such as better justifying college football rankings. In his words, “If I’m Utah, if I’m USC, or if I’m Texas, I may still have some quibbles. And you’ve heard my pitch. That’s why we need a playoff,” he said.

“What are you pussies in Florida afraid of anyway?”

In Obama’s defense, the college presidents’ best argument against a playoff system is “it would take the student-athletes away from their studies for an extended period.”  The time to be concerned with Mongo Slaughterson’s academics was probably before you lowered the SAT admission criteria for him and sent him off to the contusion factory.

Breaking News: Being President Is HARD!
As if a crumbling economy and fractured war efforts weren’t enough to haunt Obama, CNN has concerns that unsightly crows feet could likewise plague him in the near future.

Fearing Biden’s wandering eye, President Obama became the first leader of the free world to consider botox injections.

Rapid aging is commonplace with the stressful nature of this job.  To combat this phenomenon doctors prescribe adequate rest and regular exercise, but advise against a daily regiment of sloppy hummers from admiring junior staffers.   Despite blowjobs kicking the crap out of any multivitamin, that rejuvenation method hasn’t worked out well for Democrats historically.

Breaking News: A Black President Is Historically Relevant!
Vice President Cheney recently met with CNN news during a brief respite from taunting war orphans and choking endangered species.  In a show of graciousness that could only be described as offputting, Cheney begrudgingly acknowledged that a America’s first African-American president could be construed as history.

Don’t look directly into the smirk.  That’s how he steals your soul.

This unexpected praise, or restatement of the patently obvious, floored Blitzer.  At least that’s what Cheney told authorities later when found hunkering over the corpse, greedily devouring Blitzer’s heart.  He hates to see good meat go to waste, you see.

Ian Cheesman is astounded by how well Clinton-era BJ humor still works.  It’s a legacy all humorists cherish – thanks, Bill.  For more jokes about orally servicing world leaders, please visit internetsensation.com.

While I have enjoyed skewering Obama over the election season, I must admit it’s not my favorite thing to do.  The problem with making fun of politicians is that partisanship always limits how many people you can offend with it.  As a professional smart ass, I demand much more of myself.  Luckily, so much wacky shit happened in the world of religion in the last week that I’m pretty certain I’ll be able to conjure some hate from all of you.  A boy can dream, right?

Never give up hope!
 

Fun With Fatwas
Salman Rushdie announced last week that he was preparing to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the fatwa issued for his death for the sacrilegious content of his novel The Satanic Verses.  For the uninitiated, a fatwa is an official ruling in Islam, usually issued by religious scholars wishing to clarify why evils like the polio vaccine, unclothed sex, and pokemon are to be scorned.  Polio-vaccinated Muslim pokemon having unclothed sex is also forbidden by extension, so make sure they’re wearing socks or some form of lingerie.
 

Not shown – tiny pokebandages on the inoculation site.  I also fuzzed out their genitals.
 

He indicated he wouldn’t be making a big deal celebrating the anniversary, opting for a quiet dinner with friends in his secret underground bunker at an undisclosed time.

Papal Infallibility Goes Digital
Since the Catholic church’s embrace of Galileo’s heliocentric model of our universe in 1992, it can’t get enough of this crazy "science" stuff.  This has led to adopting the technology to create a YouTube channel for Pope Benedict XVI (username: lonelypope16). In his first address he took a moment to warn people of the social dangers of immersion in online media in a vlog entitled "Irony".

Though it hasn’t gone public yet, atom.com has inserted a mole into the Vatican (under the alias Cardinal Shenanigans) that has leaked the Pope’s forthcoming Facebook page:
 

Caught Red-Hoofed
One of Nigeria’s largest newspapers recently published a story about a car theft intercepted by their police force.  Unfortunately, the crime fighters’ diligence was only partially repaid, as one of the two suspects was able to escape by transforming into a goat.

Though this is just a re-enactment, the crime could have happened just like this
 

This may sound a bit far-fetched, but the belief of black magic is common in more remote, rural areas of Nigeria.  It doesn’t help that goats are notorious for gang violence in the region as well.

If brought up on charges, the goat will be tried in a local court of law by a jury of his peers:

It’s worse than you think – these are the goats that were too stupid to get out of jury duty
 

Scandalous Sex Wasn’t The Scandal
Say what you will about Ted Haggard’s legacy, he certainly set the bar high for Christian sex scandals.  These days when the media hears about a new megachurch sex scandal they usually come to find out it’s just a report that Ted actually had a good deal more gay sex than was previously alleged.  

Still, even in the wake of Ted’s sexual aftershocks, one runner-up story did emerge last week. A pastor in the Church of Sweden was given a disciplinary warning for his "unacceptable lifestyle" when an internal investigation revealed unsavory details of a recent incident.  The incident in question involved the pastor inviting a man over to join he and his wife (also a pastor) for dinner followed by a sauna threesome (or, as the Swedes call it, "dessert").  However, the chlorinated sex chowder was not the cause for concern.  The church took offense at the male pastor slamming his wife’s head into the wall when he discovered her deleting pictures of the incident from their digital camera.

The church expressed regret for the pastor’s actions, but moreso for being denied frothy three-way imagery.

Ian Cheesman makes apostasy even more fun over at www.internetsensation.com, just in case you haven’t had your fill.

Krayon recaps the Golden Globes, talks about Obama’s pimp new ride, and explains how we can all enjoy younger looking armpits. Get into it!

We don’t really know what these “Academy Awards” are, but we’re pretty sure no one cares about them. The event everyone is talking about this year is The Streamy Awards: a celebration of excellence in web television. By now you’ve probably noticed that we have a few original series here on Atom that kick all sorts of ass. What better way to demonstrate your love for your favorite Atom series than by nominating it for a Streamy!

Nominations close Friday January 23,  2009 at 11:59 PM (PST) so hurry up and get yours in!

You can only nominate one series per category, so choose wisely! If you’re feeling overwhelmed, we are happy to help.

Perhaps Stickman Exodus is your favorite Comedy Web Series, with its simple yet effective portrayal of the stabbing, hanging, maiming and disembowling of innocent stick figures. Maybe the subtle comedic stylings of Tom Lenk in  Border Patrol inspire you to nominate him for Best Comedic Actor. Or perhaps Brit McAdams’ skillfully crafted awkwardness in Great Moments in Human Interaction is more favorable to your discerning palate of comedy writing. You might enjoy Sandeep Parikh’s direction of Legend of Neil, which taught us all important lessons about racial tolerance and casual sex with fairies.

Go ahead, we’ve got plenty of series to choose from. Nominate them for a Streamy, and make the world a better place.

So you think you’ve got the holidays all figured out? Joy, thanks, celebration, charity – throw in a little rum and some gravy – maybe take a swing at your step-dad, and call it a year. No surprises here, right? Wrong. Because the Messiah is finally back! It’s just not our messiah. The upside is that somebody’s experiencing the second coming of Jesus this year, the downside? It’s the sharks.

Scientists at a Virginia aquarium have confirmed that a female Blacktip shark has given birth to a pup with absolutely no male genetic material present. The female had not encountered a male in over eight years when the sweet baby Shark Jesus was born, making it truly and verifiably a “virgin birth.” And, though this kind of thing has been reported once before, this is the first time we’ve actually been able to confirm it…because the first one was promptly eaten by other Sharks mere moments after being born. So it’s safe to assume that Shark Jesus isn’t here to fuck around, because as rough as the human Christ had it in his short time here on earth, at least the three wise men didn’t follow the Christmas star for two months just to eat him the second he emerged from the womb.
 

A good chunk of the soon-to-be-written Shark Gospels can pretty much stay the same as in our bible, but this new, more terrifying savior doesn’t exactly seem the forgiving type, so the Sermon on the Mount, at least, is going to need some revising. Here are some suggestions:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of my guts. Blessed are those who mourn, for there will be a shit-ton of them pretty quick. Blessed are the meek, for they are really easy to catch. Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account, for I will leap up to 25 vertical feet out of the water and eat them if they are within 25 vertical feet of the water.

You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, ‘You shall not murder’; and ‘whoever murders shall be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, eat them. Everything is food.

Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way to court with him, or your accuser may turn out to be Roy Scheider, and he may throw an oxygen tank into your mouth, and may shoot that oxygen tank, and your head may explode.  That guy is a dick.

If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. Your leg is also incredibly sinful, especially that thick part of your thigh right towards the top. Get rid of that shit. Throw it in the water.

You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, “so what? I have protective film over my eyes and like seven hundred teeth. They’ll grow back in a day.

Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or you can say to your neighbor, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and then while he’s looking up and waiting for you to do it, you can bite him in the chest and then thrash around.

Everyone then who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who actually brought a bigger boat, and when the rain fell, and the floods came, and I bumped against it, it would not fall, because it was a reasonably sized vessel. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not act on them will be like a foolish man who stands right next to the mirror pool, and makes a really long speech about how he’s going to kick some ass, but then I eat him about halfway through and it is hilarious.

So, aside from those few quick edits (and maybe changing the seventh commandment to read “thou shalt not be Richard Dreyfuss,”) everything should be pretty much the same for you, Shark Jesus. Expect your time here to be much like your human analogue: Short, filled with strife, and relatively bloody. But if you don’t want to get overshadowed, I’d get a move on; I hear the reincarnation of Buddha is going to the Grizzlies, and there’s been some rather disturbing talk of an “emerging Snake Pope.”
 

You can read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots