Loading ...History was made today, as America inaugurated her very first non-Morgan-Freeman black president, and the sense of optimism in the air is palpable. But it is that same optimistic air that could well poison this presidency before it even gets off the ground. It’s a classic pitfall: In order to win the race, Obama had to create a hype machine so powerful that it could overcome not only political bias, but inherent prejudice as well, (his advertising team literally had to out-market racism, and racism was an already established household brand, like the Sara Lee of hating minorities.)
First, don’t shy away from repeating campaign promises in your speeches, but do repeat them in a sarcastic tone. This will let you be in on the joke that is the ridiculously high bar set for you. Try saying something like:
“I have promised that we will end the war in Iraq post-haste, and we will… we’ll just bring those troops right home on the magical rainbow puppy bridge!”
Second, always offer up a high five to your introducer, making absolutely sure that he or she does not reciprocate. Nobody will hold the attempted five against you, but the mixture of pity and awkwardness that pervades being ‘left hanging,’ will work strongly in your favor when you fail to turn the national deficit into a flock of beautiful doves that fly away into the pollution-free sunset.
Third, be sure to pepper all speeches with blame-shifting reminders. Refresh everybody’s memory about how all of the trials currently facing your presidency were set up by the previous administration. This shouldn’t be too hard, seeing as how the last administration stopped just shy of accidentally killing a unicorn and bringing on eternal night in their progressively epic fuck-ups.
Finally, always wear sunglasses. You know you look damn good in sunglasses, Mr. President. You look like Black Neo from the Political Matrix – use it. People will forgive virtually any mistake made by a good-lookin’ man in power. Just look at the last guy: If Bush didn’t have that “aw, shucks,” smile and those Clint-Eastwood-haggard good looks, well, you wouldn’t be so fucked coming into your own presidency, would you? I mean, look at Nixon – that guy looked like a cross between The Penguin and some buttcheeks, and he got called out on everything.
You?
You’re like the black Don Draper. You keep lookin’ good, and when some of your promises fall short despite your best efforts, the American public will shrug and say “Universal Health what now? I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention; I was too busy watching President Dimples woo the Press Corps by shredding the rad.”
Read more from Robert at his own website, I Fight Robots, where you can puzzle over more hopeleslly outdated slang like “gleaming the cube,” and “bodacious.”
