Loading ...Every week here I strive to bring you the freshest in internet comedy (read: photoshopping penises on things). I do this because I am an artist and not because atom.com has my family held captive in a dank basement somewhere. I am compelled only by the muse to create, not the imminent threat that if I type under 50 m.p.h. my loved ones will all explode.
help me!
Just knowing you’re amused is thanks enough.
Why haven’t you called the FBI, you bag of dicks?
While my blogging is a tremendous gift to the world, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had yet more genius to give. Seeking answers and guidance, I turned to my television. So it was at 2:07 a.m., just moments after the central conflict in Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper was revealed, I saw an ad for the Art Instruction Schools. It told me I was only one haphazard scribble away from a $250K scholarship to the most elite institutions of doodling in America. I quickly ordered my free art test and prepared the application below.
Dear Probably French People,
You must be exhausted plowing through interminable applications, each less inspired than the last. I’m guessing this is what your average application looks like:
Now that I’m applying to your institute those days are behind you. Prepare to get kicked right in your art-balls.
I call it “Dogbear the Pirate”, a perfect hybrid of all three samples above. You see, unlike the applicants that obediently draw exactly what you’ve specified (i.e. morons), I have seen through your ruse. Great art doesn’t follow rules. And I’m not even done shitting on your guidelines yet!
I could probably stop here, having already aced your first test, but I’m planning on winning at least 8 scholarships. Here’s a piece I’ve entitled “Graaaaarrgh”:
As you can see, I’m not afraid to get political and edgy with my work. I say to hell with anti-war sentiments and arbiters of when dinosaurs supposedly did and did not exist. Of course, not everything I produce is confrontational. Sometimes I opt for subversiveness and toying with the medium, as shown with my attached flip-book titled “Just A Guy Waving And Nothing Else”:
Hell, in some cases, I simply abandon the medium altogether and make the canvas the art:
By now you’ve hopefully ascertained my art cannot be contained in traditional bounds, doesn’t shy from controversy, and reflects an exquisite mastery of composition and form. If not, I’ve crammed all of that into one oil painting I have entitled “Subtlety”:
This work is based around the grandest tenet of high art – it should be terribly offensive to Christians. Piss Christ sets the bar pretty high, so I really had to step it up. I figure if the sign of the beast and morning after pill don’t clinch it, the Jonas Brothers cleavage tattoo will lock it up. The Hitler mustache and burning crosses were just a little offensiveness gravy ladeled over the top for good measure.
Gentlemen and lesbians, thank you for your time. I look forward to the mere formality of my schooling so that I can join your panel of highly skilled dream crushers. As a final offering, I have provided a self-portrait for your enjoyment.
Ian Cheesman is eagerly awaiting the Art Institute’s reply. The rest of my gallery can be found at internetsensation.com.
