Loading ...Look at you. Just sitting there blithely skimming web comedy without a care in the world. Maybe you’ve come here for a brief respite or to ogle my rugged, sexy features (most find them reminiscent of a young Sean Connery and Lurch from the Addams Family). And all the while you’ve chosen to ignore the fate that is bearing down on you like bloodthirsty bullet-train.
The Monkey* Uprising is upon us.
Chimps demonstrate complex behaviors like contemplation and face-eating
Scenario #1: The guest charged up to the chimpanzee bearing her teeth menacingly, shrieking and throwing her feces
Scenario #2: The chimp was up late the previous night watching Project X on basic cable
Scenario #3: The chimp received a specially encoded communique from Monkey HQ, signaling the rebellion was at hand
Since the circumstances of the first two have been eliminated, this leaves only one possible answer – Planet of the Apes is now a fucking documentary:
Somewhere along the line we decided to reward our closest genetic relatives with being our hapless playthings. We were so intrigued by their sophisticated social structure and demonstrations of human-like emotion that we decided it would be a good idea to put them in funny clothes and make them pantomime for our amusement. If only we had taught them sign language for “I’m tired of being humanity’s clownshoes” we might have had some warning. Now it’s too late.
“Go ahead, motherfucker! Call me Bonzo again and see what happens!”
So how worried should we be? I put the Howfuckedometer reading at “Completely Buggered”. Chimpanzees have five times our strength and demonstrate sophisticated cooperative hunting strategies. Does that description sound familiar? If you remember the unique horrors of Jurassic Park it should:
Velociraptors can smell fear, but when you piss yourself they don’t need to
It gets worse. Chimpanzees possess much richer faculties for language than their reptilian counterparts and the ability to use tools, so it would probably be more akin to this:
“sshhskktt….Team Bravo, be advised that the meatsack is now entering Massacre Zone 3, over..sshhsskktt“
I don’t have much advice to protect you in the dark days ahead. Only move under cover of night. Don’t carry any bananas or plantains on your person. If captured, for the love of God don’t provide coordinates of the sewer dwellings mankind has retreated to, no matter how fiercely they bludgeon you with your own femur.
* Ian Cheesman is fully aware that a chimpanzee is technically an ape and not a monkey. It’s called creative license, you armchair anthropologist. For further lessons on primates, check the academic stronghold that is internetsensation.com.
