We all know that food inherently carries some risks.  We know this because many of our forebears showed great diligence in getting killed by it.  Sometimes it was a toxin lurking in an untested mushroom cap, but more often our food came equipped with giant fucking teeth and refused to acknowledge how hungry we were.

Thankfully time and technology advanced.  We passed along which plants to avoid and developed weaponry that could shoot through kevlar-armored bears.  Not a minute too soon, actually:

We no longer worried about our food killing us, leaving plenty of time to fret about terrorism, global warming and erectile dysfunction.  In short, we missed worrying about food.

Despite the risk, some folks just can’t get over the thrill of a given meal possibly being their last.  If you too are a fan of your sustenance potentially destroying you, these foods may be right up your alley.  I recommend you try them with the Irony Dipping Sauce.

San Nak Ji

We’re modern people in a fast-paced world.  If we’re lucky enough to find time to eat, we don’t have time for luxuries like cooking or waiting for the animal to die.  In fact, we believe no meal is complete without catching that last flicker of resentment in its eye that lets you know you’re asshole royalty.  The Korean dish san nak ji covers all that ground and goes the extra mile to tempt homicide. 

San nak ji is a healthy helping of delicately hacked up live octopus.

Allow me to present my cultural insensitivity when I say "Oh hell no."

Even after getting the Texas Chainsaw Massacre treatment, the octopus’ nervous system is able to maintain frenzied twitching and a vague sense that it has been wronged.  The tentacle cuttings to quickly organize a coup d’etat, mobilizing forces to choke the diner internally.  The only way to prevent suction cups latching inside the throat is to thoroughly pulverize while chewing, but purists/sadists maintain the squirming sensation is part of the draw. 

There are an average of 6 deaths due to choking courtesy of san nak ji annually in South Korea.  That number rises appreciably if any of the octopi happen to watch Braveheart prior to being served.

Yes, that is the same Braveheart gag in consecutive weeks.  Goddamn, I love that movie.

Ackee

The ackee fruit is a staple in Jamaica, best known for its inclusion in the national delicacy ackee and salted fish.  It is secondarily known for causing a vomiting sickness so godawful medical science has named it after the country itself.  Considering the number of tourists in England presented with blood sausage annually, it really says something that Jamaica’s hurling earned special nomenclature.

I don’t mind the taste, I just hate getting scabs stuck in my teeth

The ackee fruit is only dangerous if you happen to consume it when it is underripe.  Or overripe.  Or if you happen to eat any flesh not immediately surrounding seeds prepared properly.  Other than that, feel free to tear right into it with abandon.

The Ackee Extraction Team Is understandably well funded

The predominate number of ackee poisoning fatalities are in children. They are less prone to shun the immature fruit, either due to inexperience or the ackee’s strangely alluring appearance when underripe:

The statistics show approximately 1 in 1,000 people in the Caribbean develop ackee poisoning every year and it is linked with the deaths of multiple groups of children internationally.  Government officials were ready to declare this fruit a scourge, right up until someone pointed out its export makes $13 million annually.  They opted instead to redirect their efforts into PR:

Ian Cheesman will bring you part 2 after part 1, occasionally after part 4, but never after part 3.  That would be ludicrous.  You can find more writing that induces vomiting at scenicanemia.com.

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