Loading ...In our previous chapter we explored the lengths people will go to off themselves for a taste of the forbidden. In this round we…just keep doing that.
Fugu
Of all the culinary timebombs out there, few are more celebrated than fugu. Its mention in this category won’t surprise many, but seeming commonplace doesn’t lessen its lethality. Until the day comes we see parents packing fugu for their kids’ lunches, you can still safely assume it is not to be trifled with.
The poison generated in the puffer fish is estimated at 1,200 times the strength of cyanide. That makes it the second most poisonous vertebrate in the world, only slightly lagging behind the syringe-backed herpes frog:
It is easily identified by the telltale black/lime-green coloration, as well as the prominent cold sores around its mouth
The chefs that prepare it are specially licensed to do so, as even a drop of the toxin from the liver or ovaries contaminating the meat will be lethal. Their training culminates in a final exam where they prepare the dish for themselves to consume, which brings new gravity to the notion of pass/fail.
The poison is called tetrodotoxin, which is a neurotoxin that paralyzes its victims while they are still conscious. That means as your throat closes and your lungs deflate you won’t be able to remind your fellow diners not to tip the chef. Still, you can hardly fault the chef for your decisions. You’ve got no one to blame but yourself, unless of course you were unwittingly involved in Ashton Kutcher’s latest TV concept:
Dozens of people die every year from ill-prepared fugu. The only way to be sure that you are safe is to eat farmed puffer fish, as that environment doesn’t allow them to take in the bacteria needed to create the toxin. This option is very popular among people who enjoy semi-raw thrills like skydiving simulators or receiving half of a handjob.
BLOOD CLAMS
Blood clams are also known as blood ark clams. The reference to blood is derived from their blood red color, not the fact that they are so hepatitis-ridden that your liver bleeds at their mere mention. I don’t know where the “ark” comes from, but based on their reputation I have a theory:
Shellfish are Mother Nature’s little agents of retribution. As filter feeders they basically accumulate and serve us back the foulness that we dump into their environment. Worse, at times they can harbor toxins that no reasonable amount of cooking will destroy. That’s why it is critical to heed health authorities and government officials when they urge you to avoid them.
Unless you live in Shanghai and you want blood clams. Apparently then you can do whatever the fuck you want.
There has been a government ban on the sale of blood clams since 1988, due to an outbreak of hepatitis that affected 310,000 with an uncertain death toll. The economic cost of that disaster was totaled at a staggering 1 billion yuan. The citizens of Shanghai have since commemorated that dark period with their annual festival:
The preferred preparation of these clams is to dip them briefly in boiling water and eat them with sauce. Even if the sauce was penicillin-based, it wouldn’t kill the viruses, let along typhoid and dysentery, that lurk within. All the boiling water can realistically accomplish is piss the pathogens off enough to come at you with a case of violent superdiarrhea prior to destroying you.
False Morel
A quick perusal of any wilderness safety guide will tell you in no uncertain terms that mushrooms are very seldom your friends. This has to be explicitly spelled out because humanity has an inexplicable love affair with these turd blossoms.
Nature hint #1: If it looks like a cerebrum glazed in fecal matter, don’t eat it
The Scandavian false morel mushroom represents the ultimate in culinary audacity. In order to “safely” consume this delicacy, here are the instructions for preparation:
- Boil and rinse under a ventilation hood. Open all windows as well. The fumes rising from the pot are toxic.
- Cut the whole mushrooms after boiling into 2 or 4 pieces. Handle while wearing gloves. Wash your hands afterward regardless
- Boil the mushrooms AGAIN. Discard the cooking water, as it is also potentially lethal.
- Rinse the mushrooms again and prepare for consumption
- Shake your fist at the sky and taunt God for his feeble attempt to kill you
There are regulations for the disposal of nuclear waste that are less comprehensive than this.
The false morel is prepared with wilted greens in an arsenic vinaigrette
Even after all of these extensive measures are in place, not all of the toxin, gyromitrin, is removed. Worse, it is considered a cumulative carcinogen, which means even after it fails to kill you, it remains in your system WAITING to kill you. Does that sort of tenacity sound familar?
On second thought, I’m not really all that hungry…
Ian Cheesman is beginning to understand the appeal of wholy unnatural foods like velveeta. For more humor and/or cheese product, check out scenicanemia.com.
