Loading ...True to my media roots, this week I vacilated between writing about sex or violence. Headlines highlighting either were in abundance. It was almost as if The Joker’s nefarious scheme to free all the inmates of Arkham Asylum was partially thwarted by Batman, allowing only the "bloodlust" and "pervert" wings to escape.
The deviants were off to an early lead. One inmate managed to trek all the way to Australia, rise in prominence as a litigator, and use the platform to motion the country’s Fair Trade Council to purchase a dildo for one of its ministers. He justified these government funds by suggesting she would "stop screwing with the people of Strathfield and screw herself instead".
Still, the carnage unleashed by the psychopaths was even more creative and ultimately won my affections. Don’t let that deflate you, sex offenders. Every day is a fresh opportunity to taint, degrade, and violate the world, as my mother used to say.
Did you clean your room, or does someone need another cockspanking?
Blood On The Ethernet
This week the streets of Florida got 0.03% little less bizarre when William "Srs Bzns" Cruz was sentenced to 30 years in jail. His eruption of violence could have been a scene right out of Boyz N Tha Hood, if Compton was just a chatroom on Latinchat.com.
Cruz frequented the Cuba1 chatroom, along with chatters "El Habanero” (Havana Man), ”La Gata Fiera” (The Raging Cat) and ”Pollos Muertos Bailan Sobre Mi Cabeza, Pero No Me Gusta” (Dead Chickens Dance On My Head, But I Don’t Like It). Cruz was known as "Cubano35" (which, if my 3 years of high school spanish serve me, translates to "I’m Probably Going To Shoot One Of You In The Face 35"). Cruz demonstrated general animosity towards the group, but was particularly enraged by Yanko Diaz. Diaz was known as "Latengoparada", a phrase indicating his sexual arousal, which should help frame the maturity of the chatroom’s discourse.
The in-fighting escalated to a challenge to meet at a dimly lit corner of a closed superstore parking lot. Diaz’s survival instincts clearly lacked the same level of arousal that his penis did. He was shot in the left thumb, right wrist and buttocks, indicating he was genuinely trying to cover his ass. Doughboy would have never gone out like that.
Two Sophomore Enter, One Sophomore Leave
A Dallas high school has instituted a bold new policy that will revolutionize disciplinary techniques. The new regime directs students to collaborate on creative solutions to their conflicts, with the provision that they do so inside the specified metal cage and honor standard tapout rules . They’re not savages, after all.
Pictured: Not savagery
Of course those pencil-pushers in the school district office didn’t appreciate using Thunderdome as homeroom. They uncovered it during an investigation on grade-tampering for student athletes, which is like a cop pulling over someone with a busted tail-light and realizing they’re trafficking illegal immigrant sex offenders with heroin balloons in their ass. Oddly enough, it was the school’s request to the district to update their school mascot that raised some suspicions of an expanding alpha-dog culture:
It’s furry humor without the furry joke. My humor has LEVELS.
A middle school counselor in the district said the culture at South Oak Cliff High, where many teachers are alums and have relatives in their classrooms, kept anyone from speaking out. For those not reading between the lines, he just basically accused an entire educational institution of inbreeding.
Fore By Fore
Golf is awesome. I used to think it was just a forum for doughy white men vying for promotions, using 18 holes to accomplish what a 3 minute blowjob under the CEO’s desk would achieve. Courtesy of Linda Pearce, I now know it is so much more.
Pearce told witnesses she was going to run over Verma Boylan while carousing outside the country club’s bar. Apparently Pearce was known for speaking in metaphor and this didn’t raise any red flags. She then hopped in her golf cart, ran down Boylan and dragged her underneath the cart about 15 feet, because Pearce valued integrity as much as retribution. Upon reflection, Pearce’s friends admitted that her choice of golf cart should have been cause for concern:
I’d like to think Pearce’s motviation was an elaborate tale of bitter lies and vicious betrayals, the kind of thing that Kill Bill character prologues are made of. However, since there’s little evidence that her 56 year old victim was ever a member of either the Crazy 88 or Deadly Vipers Assassination Squad, it’s more likely that Pearce was just batshit insane.
Fearing lawsuits, the country club took drastic preventative measures:
Ian Cheesman may have inadvertently photoshopped his dream vehicle above. The only thing it lacks is a hood large enough to support a bikini-clad slut and an airbrushed scenicanemia.com logo.
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