Loading ...Somewhere around 8000 years ago the Sumerians brewed the first beer. They also inadvertently invented beer-goggles, unleashing a flood of indiscriminate sex that quickly justified the region’s moniker of The Fertile Crescent. Beer likewise impressed the Egyptians, who even captured it in their written history. Some contend Egyptians actually created the beer closest to our contemporary version, but there is no disputing they invented civilization’s first keg stand:
Hit that shit, Pharaoh!
Not only is beer present in every emergent culture, beer historians (my most coveted career next to stuntcock) argue it is the midwife of civilization itself. Beer is accordingly entitled to some bravado, a sentiment echoed by modern brewers when naming their creations. Here are some of the names that remind us that beer is the anchor of society and not just another breakfast drink.
If you’re out of cereal, a second beer will suffice
Most Clever
The best part of any brewmaster’s job would have to be quality assurance. On tasting days I’d be lucky to have the wherewithal to change my dribble bib, let alone harness the remaining sober brain cells to conjure up names like these:
Hoptical Illusion – A play on the intoxicant’s liberal application of hops as a flavor agent. If that wasn’t apparent to you, perhaps you should go check out the Top Ten Juicy Juice Flavors For Stupid Farty Little Babies.
Raisin d’etre – Named for the raisins used in the brewing of this Belgian Strong Ale. You’re right to dry-heave reflexively, but the Dogfish Head brewery could make a delicious stout out of chicory and turds if so inclined.
Immort Ale – Best when served at room temperature from the Holy Grail.
Erin Go Braless – For the non-Irish out there (read: jagoffs), this is a play on the anglicized Gaelic assertion of “Ireland Forever”, only wishing said eternity for boobs. It’s properly pronounced ɛrɪn ɡə ˈbrɔless, if that helps.
THE WINNER: Reeb Beer
For the few of you that haven’t solved this cryptex, the name comes from “beer” spelled backwards. It may not seem all that creative on the surface, but the difficulty on that puzzle is precision-tuned to be just barely within the grasp of someone who is completely trashed (not unlike the rebuses under Lucky Lager caps).
Reeb Beer – So Brilliant It’s Moronic
Least Appetizing
Given the alpha male demographic that beer caters to, it’s not surprising standard rules of propriety don’t apply to its marketing. That said, most advertising firms probably assume they’re being fucked with when tasked with launching a campaign for these:
Old Pecker – Someone finally found a way to trump the foulness of “Brand new, shiny pecker beer”.
Moose Drool – In fairness, of the many fluids that can originate from moose, drool is probably the most palatable
Brise Bon-Bons! (Ball-Breakers) – Men should put an embargo on this out of principle. After all that testosterone has done for developing beer commericals over the years this is simply uncalled for.
THE WINNER: Yellow Snow IPA
If this actually originated from yellow snow, it would be a profound execution of recycling in practice.
The ale may be pale, but your kidneys will make it look plenty vibrant
Most Religious
I tried to make sure all major religions were covered here, but for some reason muslim breweries weren’t very popular. Maybe they just don’t have web presences yet.
Note: despite what some liberal idolators say, the Obamanator is not a valid entry in this section.
My God…he DOES taste like change!
Ale Mary Full of Taste – A Denver Rock Bottom restaurant created this in honor of a papal visit many years back. The pope was so amused that he only condemned half of the employees to languish in purgatory.
ReJEWvinator – The He’brew brewery, makers of The Chosen Beer, parody themselves much more artfully than I could. They take all the fun out of being anti-semetic.
Back Hand of God Stout – It’s patterned after that taste you get in your mouth when God catches you watching tentacle-rape porn. He never expressly forbade it, but a quick pop in the mouth is a good reminder that he shouldn’t have to.
THE WINNER: Dark Lord Imperial Stout
Like there was ever any doubt I’d bat for my hometeam!
You can roast malts and coffee for beer, why not souls?
Cultural Reference-iest
These are near and dear to my heart. When a brewery uses a beer to make an homage it’s like being greeted with a secret joke among good friends (like my alcoholism).
Foothills Sexual Chocolate – A perfectly apropos selection for a beer as rich and potent as my black love. The reference is from the feature Coming To America, back when Eddie Murphy playing multiple roles in a movie was both novel and entertaining.
Hoptimus Prime – The kind and benevolent leader of all freedom-loving beers. Unlike his robotic cousin, however, he would kill Shia LeBouf the instant an opportunity was presented.
Golden Shower – If more beer names had names that had to be looked up at urbandictionary.com, I’d be a happier man. That’s why I’ve decided to start a brewery and bring my Hot Carl Hefeweizen to the people.
THE WINNER: Smooth Hoperator
This combines two of the most potent aphrodisiacs – alcohol and Sade. She may not rank among the glitterati of contemporary sex symbols, but an ad like this would have me buying it by the bushel:
I’ll show you the Sweetest Taboo. Hint: It’s my penis.
Ian Cheesman is excited to bring you the exciting conclusion of this excitingly excited entry next week. It’ll probably talk about beer. Many thanks to beerlabels.com for assisting my research and saving untold millions from drinking shitty beer.
