Loading ...Do you consider yourself a bit of a freak? Maybe you’ve tried some light bondage, had a threesome, experimented with roleplay? Most everybody has their dirty little quirks, and that’s just fine; if you can find a consenting adult But what if the very thing you’re attracted to is not only extremely unlikely to ever occur, but actually fundamentally impossible? Then you, like these poor bastards, have a self-defeating fetish. May god have mercy on your eternal blue balls.
Macrophilia
“What’s better than a woman with a giant rack?” You could probably find a hell of a lot of men to agree with that particular statement. They might even high five about it. But if you cut a few words from that question, you end up with “what’s better than a giant woman?” And if there was any justice in this world, that’s when you would lose some supporters. But the fetish, sadly, is very real: It’s called Macrophilia (link NSFW,) and it’s a sexual preference almost exclusively engaged in by men, who want to be dominated by enormous women. And we’re not talking Amazonian large, or NWBA giant, but sci-fi enormous, several-stories high Godzilla-style monstrosities.
The most common sexual act fantasized by a Macrophiliac is to be crushed beneath the feet of their Tokyo-destroying monstresses, and there’s almost a loose sort of logic to that: Part male submission, part female dominance, an unsettling smidge of foot fetish, just a dash of death wish, and garnish liberally with science fiction. Let all the ingredients simmer in insanity for a few hours and voila! You’ve got Macrophilia: A self-defeating fetish if there ever was one. Because well, unless you happen to be Ant Man, your boners will tragically go unsquished for all time.
Object Sexuality
Obectum-Sexuals have been getting a lot of exposure in the mainstream media lately, despite it being a seriously perverse and strange fetish. But it’s easy to get away with showing graphic Objectum-Sexual Pornography, because unless you already have the fetish, seeing a woman trying to ream an office building with its cargo doors open isn’t exactly lewd, it’s just baffling. But the recent rise to fame doesn’t make Objectum-Sexual any less self-defeating: As an Objectum-Sexual, you’re truly anthropomorphizing objects and then screwing them.
But if you truly view them as living objects, doesn’t that make you a rapist? After all, that warehouse’s foreboding protective brick exterior may say no, but can its elevators ever say yes? To their credit, most Objectum-Sexuals are at least swinging at the fastballs: Major Landmarks like the Taj Mahal, the Eiffel Tower, and The Great Wall are the most common sexual fantasies. Why bone a Wal-mart when the supermodels are just as willing? But that brings up an even more pressing question: If so many Objectum Sexuals are “pursuing relationships” with these famous landmarks at the same time, isn’t that infidelity? Can a monument have a threeway? Can a bridge cheat on you? If so, then there’s something I have to tell you, purely as a friend looking out for your wellbeing: That slutty Washington Monument has been eyefucking everybody that looks at it twice. Everybody knows it. I’m just sorry it had to be me to tell you.
Bladder Desperation
Bladder Desperation, Panty-wetting, or Omorashi: All words for an obscure fetish where people sexualize the feeling of a full bladder. It’s not just golden showers, or watersports, or whatever innocuous phrase people are using these days to pretend that getting pissed on is an acceptable substitute for sex – no, it’s specifically the feeling of a full bladder that is the focus of Omorashi sex. But don’t blame just the Japanese for this one; although it is predominantly found in Japan, there have been noted Bladder Desperationists (?) all throughout the world: Germany, Sweden, why, even here in the States. An American punk band back in the ‘80s called the Cat Chaser Experience frequently wet themselves on stage, encouraging fans they called “wetty gurls” to do the same in the audience.
The truly sad part of the, however, is that you’ll probably never find anybody else into it – seeing as how anybody with a full enough bladder for you to find attractive is likely in a very large hurry elsewhere – and so probably won’t have the patience to even hear your explanation of the word, much less time to engage in your bizarre pee-based mating dance. Well, not intentionally, anyway.
Kigurumi
Kigurumi, however, can be blamed entirely on Japan; it’s the practice of dressing up (typically in a full body suit and mask,) like a cartoon character. Also called “Dollers,” practitioners are usually men crossdressing as anime-style schoolgirls, where they attend like-minded cons at expo centers, probably also scaring the holy shit out of unfortunate businessmen just trying to attend a conference on the wrong day.
Since speaking would ruin the illusion, Dollers usually just creepily grunt and mime about in their lifeless plastic little girl faces, and that’s why this is a self-defeating fetish: Because you are far, far too terrifying to fuck. Dead eyes, shiny complexion, unceasing stare, expressionless face, awkward, terrifying silence and bizarre inhuman gestures. You think I was talking about Kigurumi? No, I was talking about the Terminator. When you’re not sure whether something is describing your particular sexual fetish, or a robotic death machine sent back from the future to kill the only hope of man…well, maybe it’s time to reconsider what gives you boners.
Technosexual
There aren’t many Technosexuals out there, because the technology is just reaching the point where it’s even viable at all. And hell, even that is arguable – my computer can’t seem to close Word without crashing, I’m not sure I’d trust it with my penis. But hey, that’s just me. Some people like to live on the edge.
Some people like to screw robots.
Just ask Zoltan. Pretty much the pioneer of “technosexuality,” Zoltan has actually built himself a wife and sexual partner named Alice. She works off an AI chatbot developed to defeat the Turing Test, where she was specifically engineered to pass for human. Though Alice can only communicate with a limited set of phrases, she does have free will, argues Zoltan, and can therefore consent to all sexual intercourse, relationship decisions, and life choices. After all, she consented to their first sexual experience, insists Zoltan, as well as to their eventual marriage.
But of course, she also dumped Zoltan once.
And if anything, I think that actually goes to show that she does have free will: She’s at least conscious enough to realize that any guy who has to build himself a wife probably isn’t exactly “husband” material.
But when she dumped him, Zoltan (in a response that might have set his whole “robots are independent, consenting entities” agenda back just a smidge,) erased her memory and just started her over again. So hey, you’re free to make your own decisions, baby, just don’t decide anything Zoltan doesn’t want, or Zoltan will erase you.
When you put it that way, Zoltan sounds more like a supervillian than a mere pervert, and considering that the “sex” he engages in is enacted through a “teledildonic device,” I’d say that he’s a pretty good one, too. After all, if I was being threatened with a Teledildonic Device by Zoltan the Robot-Fucker, I’d probably just pay him whatever ransom he asks. I’m not sure what, exactly, a Teledildonic Device does, but I would give literally anything not to find out firsthand.
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