Loading ...The problem with science is that it is too damn hard. It’s technically daunting and the questions tend to infinitely regress. You can assert that your dog shows a statistical predilction for humping your sofa cushions over your slippers, but if someone asks “Why?” you’ve got to start all over.
“Per the non-parametric correlation coefficients, he should be banging Charmander right now…”
It only gets hairier if you’re taking a stab at the bigger questions of the universe, like the folks working with the Hadron Collider. When the dust finally settles on its reconstruction, we can only hope they’ll come up with answers that make some sense…
This is why many scientists have chosen to swipe that the low-lying academic fruit. If you only pursue knowledge in the known, you can get published without the peer-review gangbang. Better yet, courtesy of the endless taxpayer generosity, the money is just as good. So if you have the stones to put on a lab coat and boldly assert truisms like “Gasping laughter may induce asthma attacks” or “Puppies make people feel good” you may already be a scientist on par with the ones in these actual studies.
Hypothesis: Drunken Gay Men Enjoy Sex
Abstract: Science has recently uncovered a phenomenon wherein young, attractive people with ample access to intoxicants have a tendency to enjoy themselves. This has toppled the previous paradigm that pubescent youth yearn for nothing more than quiet evenings of bible study at home with plutonic associates. In order to understand this exponential rise in debauchery, we must get in front of the slut curve and observe a far sluttier country for context. We selected Argentina as a worthwhile candidate via the 2003 paper from Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University:
Materials: Morally bankrupt people, preferably men that are gay or extremely bicurious. An Argentinian bar, preferably with poor lighting and that trance-inducing music that goes BOOOMP-sheh-BOOOMP-sheh-BOOOMP-sheh (note: music that goes UMP-UMP-UMP-UMP-UMP-scheeeet-UMP-scheeeeet will also be acceptable). All subjects must be screened for condoms as any safe sex may skew prefered results.
Conclusions: This 2 year National Institutes Of Health (NIH) study began in 2008 and has yet to conclude, though initial results suggest that acting as inebriated disease vectors isn’t a primary motivation:
Cost To Taxpayer: $400,000
Hypothesis: Ducks Like Water
Abstract: A set population of farmed ducks are given equal access to a pond, a trough and a shower. The duck language has over 54 different words to describe water, so it shouldn’t prove difficult for them to adapt. We will track where the majority of their duck activities take place.
Materials: Pond, trough, shower, ducks, duck transponders. Note: As detailed below, the transponders MUST be waterproof.
Conclusions: The ducks indicated a strong liking for the shower over the trough and pond. This indidcates either a preference for simulated rainfall or non-stagnant water. The latter is supported by a principle discussed in my previous paper, “Why Do All Ponds Smell Like Wet Ox Taint?”
Duck farms may be able to institute better duck hygeine by installing showers. Since very few farmers can readily absorb the cost of installing multiple showering facilities, they may find it more cost effective to offer the occasional duck blood sacrifice to Aquatron, Rain God Of The Essex Region.
Cost To Taxpayers: £300,000
Hypothesis: Prostitutes May Be At Risk For AIDS
Abstract: For the purposes of this study, a “prostitute” is defined as “your mom” (lol! j/k).
For the purposes of this study, a “prostitute” is defined as “Anyone who accepts cash as a deposit for receiving further deposits in a seedy motel 25 minutes later. It will focus specifically on female sex-workers in Thailand, which essentially means at least 40% of them will be transgendered because that’s just how they roll. Transgendering so commonplace that incentives like this now exist:
The AIDS virus is 3 times as common per percent population in Thailand as in the United States, so there is some interest in uncovering modalities that foster its explosive spread. Our businessmen deserve cleaner whores, by God!
Materials: 60 prostitutes. 1 digital camera and tripod to capture all interactions for later review with my wife. 1 round trip ticket to Thailand. 2 adult prescriptions for Cipro or the strongest experimental antibiotic available on the market.
Conclusions: Nearly 100% of the prostitutes allow men to insert their penises in them, which may have some bearing on the AIDS transmission rate. Though, in fairness, most of the prostitutes were not conscientious about washing their hands nor using a ass-gasket when using public bathrooms, so it is probably a toss up. My team is going to need a good deal more tranny sex to make a definitive finding on this.
Cost To The Taxpayer: $178,000 (but considering the NIH has spent $2.6M teaching Chinese prostitutes to drink less while working, this is essentially a bargain).
Ian Cheesman is aware these studies sound wasteful, but when you consider New Zealand spent $12M to discover their wine tastes like cat pee it really puts it in perspective. Thanks to Fark for being invaluable in my research and thanks to me for making all of this come together so beautifully.
