Loading ...In the world of multiplayer first person shooters there are few more reviled than the “campers”. These wretches are like an opportunistic infection, laying in wait for players at their most vulnerable before pouncing. Typically this happens at locations where resurrected characters respawn, from largely unreachable sniping positions or shadowing the most emotionally unstable person in team chat.
And just like that, Maya knew she had a new bitch for the night
You’re not alone in your distaste for campers. Nothing cheeses off the military more than combatants who insist on pussy strategies like not marching straight toward them. It was a problem they struggled with for years until Obama found a pamplet that piqued his interest:
What Alliant Techsystems brought to the table is nothing short of a death knell for the camper scourge. The XM25 rifle is sophisticated, powerful, and looks fantastic in earth tones.
I know you can’t see it, but I assure you the rifle is there. And 15 ninjas.
The XM25 uses a laser to calculate the exact distance to whatever obstruction is housing the combatant. Though the laser isn’t dangerous itself, the gun does provide an external speaker to make the “pew! pew!” sound while firing (it and can also be color-coded to red or blue, depending on whether you’re a good or bad-guy). The rifle doesn’t just determine this information for score-keeping purposes – the distance is required so the gun can tell these 25 mm bullets how far to travel before they explode.
Think about the implications here. The typical options in this scenario have been a grenade launcher, which are limited in range and accuracy, or a $70k javelin missle. With these bullets we can deliver pinpoint accurate fragging but still have budget left over to fund my Terminator Puppy initiative.
Admit it. You’d never see it coming.
The bullets have their own microchip to store how far to travel before exploding. Once fired, the bullet’s magnetic transducer creates an alternating current as it spins, which it uses to count rotations and calculate how far it has traveled. We have officially entered an era where we are firing bullets better at math than we are. Frankly, I thought it would come sooner.
It gets better. As if having a rifle clip filled with tiny suicide bombers wasn’t enough, the operator can fine tune the point of explosion a couple of meters in front or behind the target. This will defeat seeking cover behind a car, kneeling in a trench or even huddling inside a building. This is a game-changer In terms of combat strategy, explaining the tone of the XM25’s new advertising campaign:
A weapon this sophisticated borders on the fantastic. You can now pilot bullets with the type of control you’d only expect to get with some kind of telekenesis. You’re firing MINDBULLETS. Suck on that, Professor X.
No one could say that Michael Moore didn’t deserve what he got
Ian Chesman isn’t going to feel safe ever again, but with terminal cowardice that’s to be expected. He often hides in his bunker at iancheesman.wordpress.com.
