Loading ...A couple of weeks back I took an interest in writing about bizarre Japanese video games. They are the perfect fodder for blogging. Their manic imagery naturally inspires pithy commentary and they provide ample latitude to indulge my racism. However, rather than just taking swipes at cheap jokes, I also saw an opportunity to tackle the subject more academically.
I approached numerous experts in Japanese culture, seeking a rosetta stone that would contextualize the madness that passed for entertainment. I compiled the results of their survey responses and interview comments for brevity’s sake:
I think that pretty much sums it up.
Boon-ga Boon-ga
Everyone has at least one person in their life that is a persistent thorn in their side. Whether it be a domineering mother-in-law or a boss hellbent on micromanagement, someone always seems to have an agenda to chip away at your sanity. All of us yearn for the day when we’ll be finally able to get revenge by telling them off or viciously plunging our forefingers into their rectum. Wait, what?
It turns out this is actually reminiscent of something called kancho, the Japanese equivalent of a wedgie. Only in a country where an impromptu prostate check is considered a harmless prank would this sort of gameplay make sense:
Chulip
In Chulip you pilot a young man who meets the love of his life in a dream, but finds himself rebuked by her in real life. In order to demonstrate his worth, you must build his reputation by having him make out with anyone who will have him. This includes girls, the son of Godzilla, and some old guy with a 3-stage rocket growing out of his skull:
Though it is never specifically detailed, the reason his dream girl probably turns him away is that all who kiss him are mysteriously compelled to burrow into the subterranean depths and live among the Sewer People.
Bishōjo games, the heterosexual flavor of japanese “Dating Sims”, have been around some time, but most of them focus on learning how to spit game at various saucer-eyed ladies with the end goal of sleeping with one. This game sidesteps the sex payoff and opts to focus on getting to first base with any willing species.
Chou Aniki
Using the descriptor “gay” isn’t terribly politically correct. Making the blanket observation of a game being gay sounds like the vernacular of a douchey, insecure fratboy. But, seriously, this game is gayer than the lakeside fight scene in Roadhouse if George Lucas digitally inserted dildos into Dalton and Jimmy’s hands.
Yeah. THAT Gay.
This is a side-scrolling shooter in the classic tradition of Gradius, only this particular space ship has the option to upgrade its weaponry to include amply greased men. I’d recommend having at least two of them armed if you plan on passing through the “Skyscrapers With Remarkably Well Sculpted Abs” zone:
As shown in the video, one of the first boss battles takes place in some sort of futuristic Greek Bathhouse, where your cutting-edge technology and lightning reflexes are pitted against a balding japanese man in repose. If his lackadaisacal can-can doesn’t kick you straight to hell, he can still unleash the Mr. Fantastic clone that has taken residence in his crotch on you. It’s how I’ve always wanted to meet my maker.
The japanese embrace campy entertainment with a vigor that makes John Waters’ Pink Flamingos feel like Schindler’s List. However, I think the line for camp gets crossed somewhere around the time your “ship” is being attacked by a speedo-clad enemy using another man as a pogostick. I just don’t know where the hell it leaves you.
Super Galdelic Hour
This game was originally conceived as a vehicle to engage female gamers, an audience that is seldom pandered to. It was to be futuristic decathalon of sorts, but there was little concensus among the designers what the competitions should be. With the game’s development deadlocked, the deciding vote came in the form of “Well, which events make their tits jiggle the most?”
In addition to the Whack-off A Mole, Street Fighter styled pie warfare and sumo ass wrestling, the girls engage in similarly empowering contests like big glove boxing and shimmying. The tree chopping contest does seem a bit out of place until you note the detail with which the graphics desigers show the shock absorbsion capacities of the juggs on the yellow bearcub chick.
Hungry for more gay porn thinly veiled as video games? Sorry, I can’t help you. But reading is fun too:
3 Studies That Prove Knowledge Isn’t Power
If those are too convenient you can always visit iancheesman.wordpress.com for more.
