Loading ...When I heard that Robert was leaving atom.com to further some alleged career, I was as shocked as the other 8 people who read his blog. He was like the father-figure of our little family, a role he took so earnestly that he slept with my mother on multiple occasions. I’m going to miss you here, Mathematically Improbable Dad.
I can think of no finer way to honor his legacy here than to take his beloved Disturbing Animal series and plunder it for my own present an encore. This will be a very special edition as it will indeed be the very last time you see this feature, barring the possibility I stumble over more animals or am just feeling unmotivated next week.
Dracula Fish
Hey, Poseidon, we get it. You want us land-dwellers to keep the fuck off your lawn and not mingle with the merpeople. You don’t need to keep plucking fresh horrors out of Satan’s asshole like this to remind us we’re not welcome:
It may appear as if Danionella dracula is sporting fangs, but that is actually not the case. None of the 3700 members of the Cypriniformes group have had teeth for nearly 50 million years. Nope, those aren’t fangs, but rather bony spikes that have erupted through its jaw. This fish has a bloodlust so profound that its bones are literally drilling their way out just hoping to get a piece of the action.
The Dracula fish’s evolution isn’t that surprising. After the group lost its teeth and became broadly known for giving the best head of the briny deep, there was incredible selective pressure to get their mojo back.
“Go on, motherfucker! Call me a ‘Cock-Puffer Fish’ again!”
Since they are not true vampiric fangs, they are mostly used to defend their territory and haunt the darkest corners of my nightmares.
Phasmatid
I am not particularly squeamish. Creepy-crawlies insects don’t generally freak me out, even the shady ones that represent natural predators:
My nemesis
Still, there’s a threshold to what any reasonable man should be asked to accept without shrieking like a little girl and I believe this one crosses the line:
Stick insects are no mystery to most so this may seem an odd selection. While they are peculiar, they generally don’t seem too threatening. Of course, that’s because you really don’t get a good sense of perspective from the prior photo. Try this on for size:
Pictured: A women with approximately 300 times my composure
The phasmatid’s body is approximately 14 inches long and close to 2 feet long with its legs and antennae extended. This is unacceptable. There’s a certain order to this universe that I expect to be observed and this is totally out of bounds. In my world, insects, no matter how horrifying, should fit neatly underneath my size 12 shoes, but Borneo doesn’t see it that way. In fact Phobaeticus chani only recently overtook the record of the longest insect from another insect in that region. Borneo is like a greenhouse for cultivating 6-legged demons.
Looks like it is time to make another update to the Places I’d Like To Travel Map:
These stick bugs are known for using their slender profile to sneak under doors so that they can quietly lay their eggs in the nostrils of the residents. Disgusting, right? Thankfully I just made it up so no one needs to worry, but how long do you think it will be before THEY think of it?
Flesh Eating Ghost Slug
For all of the horrors nature spews out, we can take some solace in the few creations that are 100% underbelly. For example, slugs are basically walking glands that are outpaced by the average glacier and don’t even possess the rice-paper armor of a garden snail. Unfortunately, courtesy of this albino mucous plug, we can’t even write slugs off.
It sure doesn’t look like much. it seems sickly and anemic. Hell, it’s blind. Of course, you don’t need vision when you can smell souls. Once you can do that, all that’s left is to harvest them with this drawer of serrated knifes it calls a mouth:
This slug follows earthworms through their own tunnels in the soil, smells its prey and latches on by stabbing its rows of spiny teeth into it. It then proceeds to devour its prey by sucking the earthworm – alive – into its mouth.
If you’re concerned about encountering these, you shouldn’t sweat it. As long as you never walk on the ground again you’ll be perfectly safe.
Ian Cheesman knows it is impertinent of him to usurp Robert’s feature, but this is the sort of acting out that is bound to happen when you’re robbed of your paternal influence. Please make sure to go track his newest exploits at I Fight Robots and follow his twitters at I Am Robort.
