It’s funny how mankind’s vision of the future has shifted.  Not too long ago our conceptualization was basically a rehash of The Jetsons: super-skyscrapers, transport via human-sized habitrails, and jetcars propelled by concentric circles.

“Everyone in the future is happy despite the growing Ginger scourge”

It was as charming a notion as it was naive.  Courtesy of bad retreads of Isaac Asimov stories and the Terminator series, we now see how foolish those visions were. The robots are coming.  Sure, some of the robots will be really smoking hot, but is that any reason to welcome our sexy, sexy doom?

Yes.  Yes it is.

Plenty of folks don’t want to believe this is our fate.  They persist in thinking that robots are our consummate playthings.  Researchers at UCSD attempted to drive this point home recently when they presented a robot that had taught itself how to smile.  It was an iterative process programatically cued by positive feedback that resulted in a “smile” that more resembled the reaction to a surprise proctological exam.

What they didn’t tell you is that the robot likewise taught itself a series of 24 different sneers, varying in intensity from “perturbed” to “bloodthirsty”, usually in response to putting a humanoid anywhere in its line of sight.

“No one knew where the blood came from until they noticed a graduate student was missing…”

These geriatric cyborgs are a timely reminder that it’s only a matter of time before these automatons become self-aware.  Now more than ever it is critical that we treat our robots with decency and the utmost respect.

Oh, goddamnit, Japan….

The lagging economy (owing mostly to diminishing pee-bag sales) has forced Japanese companies to downsize their robotic workforce.  Many of the robots were tasked with constructing luxury items like cars, gadgets and other robots, which are not being snapped up with the usual fervor.  I’m sure that logical beings like robots will completely understand that this is purely business decision and isn’t intended to be personal…unless these robots are capable of basic math:

Amount Being Paid to Robots Prior To Layoff:  $0.00
Amount Being Paid to Robots After Layoff:  $0.00
–______________________________________________
Net Savings:  $0.00

In short, Japan just told robots that a $20 savings on the power bill is adequate justification to put them on the streets.  They aren’t going to like that.

“What followed would horrify all in view, but the Chokebot 2000 was only doing what it was inexplicably built for”

To summarize:  We continue to imbue human characteristics into robots whom we enslave for rudimentary tasks and then abandon at the first sign of financial shortfall.  Many of these robots are incredibly powerful and are capable of constructing other robots.  We continue to be fragile meat-balloons with zero natural defenses.  Still, I think as long we don’t go out of our way to create robots with a taste for human flesh and zero regard for life, we may still stand a chance…

Oh, goddamnit, Cyberdine Systems Robotic Technology, Inc.…

This Maryland company is under contract with the Pentagon to develop a robot that would power itself as it travels.  By using steam power all the unit must do is collect biomass to incinerate to soldier on.  This would make grass and wood suitable fuels, which it is sure to go for after it has devoured all of the human corpses strewn about.  Seriously.

The Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot (or EATR, for those who wish to understand just how sinister this project is) would have sufficient energy to rove independently for years, making it ideal for reconnaissance, communications, or even transport.  There was some suggestion that it might make a good field ambulance as well,  provided EATR isn’t compelled to snack on the drive home.

Most of the work has gone into developing the furnace technology for this application, but there are some initial mock-ups of what the final product could look like:

It’s like a mechanized Civil War sugeon!

Of course that’s just the schematic that some pencil-pushing engineer came up with.  The final design will probably end up closer to what the General will be doodling during their presentation:

[A] Titanium Spork – Allows humans in any state of decomposition to be consumed

[B] Furnace Input – A standard intake valve, apart from unhingable jaw filled with rows robotic shark teeth

[C] Clasper Arms – Auxillary arms for totally sweet secondary “Alien Fangtoothtonguething”.  Kinda fruity looking, but also resemble little T-rex arms so it’s cool.

[D] Non-Slip Treads – For traversing deliciously blood-soaked fields

[E] Primary Weapon System – I call it the “Pre-corpsulator”

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