LEGAL NOTICE: I am not a certified financial advisor.   None of my analysis below should be taken as guidance for adjusting fiscal decisions.  In the event something I’ve written inspires you whatsoever, please immediately watch More To Love.  This will immediately purge you of all semblance of thought.

I don’t want to be alarmist, but the U.S. Economy is going to implode, raining shards of financial ruination upon all.  By my calculations, we are only about 15 days away from living in a post-apocalyptic dustbowl where gasoline is the only currency valued by bartertown warlords. In fairness, I think we ALL saw that coming. However, my figures also clearly demonstrate it will copycat both the Mad Max trilogy and Waterworld end times, meaning we’ll have to drink our own pee.  Scared yet?

The only chance any of us have is find innovative ways to stay “in the black”.  Luckily there are no shortage on shrewd financial minds out there whose examples we can learn from.

1. Reduce Your Cost Of Living

The pride of ownership may feel invaluable, but courtesy of mortgage payments and property taxes it’s actually pretty easy to quantify how much it costs.  This is known in the real estate world as the “How Fucked Am I?” Index. Luckily Detroit councilwoman JoAnn Watson has shown us the way to relieve some of that burden by the simple application of an outrageous, easily falsifiable lie.

When a tornado tore down the property prior to her purchase, it was declared a vacant lot by the city.  JoAnn, being a civil servant herself, had so much faith in her local government that she didn’t think to challenge the finding despite living in a fully functional house.  This meant she was paying $68 in property tax annually, about 40 times less than her neighbors.

Above: A dilapidated hovel.  The horror…

When questioned by tax officials, she posited that since she lived alone and had no relationship prospects, the home was very much vacant emotionally. Not wishing to contest her victimhood legally, their only recourse was to officially declare her a spinster of the state and require that she adopt at least 17 cats.

If this kind of subterfuge isn’t your style, you can save even more by simply renting a place, or, better, 1/10th of one.  Sergio Santos saves untold income every month by renting a closet at $150/month.  Bear in mind this option isn’t ideal for the claustrophobic or those averse to enduring gay innuendo.

It’s a dick savvy investor in a box

2. Seek Additional Revenue Streams

Everyone has a unique set of talents that can potentially be leveraged for profit.  5 residents of a California retirement home realized they had an excess of both time and pharmaceuticals, the hallmarks of any successful drug dealer.  Further, no one would dare question why they routinely stocked syringes without fearing an extended story about their “diabeetus”.  Not to mention senility would prevent any of them from selling out their suppliers in court.

“Is there where I buy the bus pass?  Can you help me, young man?”

Often the key is to simply find a niche that few others have capitalized on.  The Left Behind series has shown us that the Day of Reckoning is a profit juggernaut, but Joshua Witter is the first to make some coin on the actual end times.  (Unless you count the $20 I’ve got riding on the year 2012 with my bookie.  My Mayan buddy has an inside tip.  It’s a LOCK. )

When the Rapture hits, most sinners will be too busy evading suddenly driverless cars to think about their finances, but that’s Joshua’s call to action.  His website, postrapturepost.com, is presently collecting paid orders by those confident in their salvation to hand-deliver messages to their loved ones after they’re spirited away.  His site offers multiple options, but this postcard is the most popular:

3. Trim Luxury Costs

Just because we’re in a recession doesn’t mean that you should give up living life to the fullest.  If you’re willing to make some small sacrifices and do a little planning even a dream vacation can be yours.  You can save countless dollars by booking hotels during the off-season, packing lunches rather than eating out, and trim airline charges by ditching your confused, urine-soaked 96-year-old Aunt at a Salvation Army shelter before you sprint off to Disneyworld.

Oh, you’ll also have to sacrifice your humanity, but who misses that when you’re riding Space Mountain?

In defense of this woman, it’s not as if Disneyland has ever had the most progressive policies towards the elderly…

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