In recent days reports have come out of the Alps, detailing a series of multiple unexplained cow suicides. This is very upsetting.  Atom.com abhors senseless violence toward any creature, almost as much as anything that deprives us of further steak.

The chalk outlline coincidentally looked like a giant porterhouse

Scientists speculate the herds are being spooked by strings of thunderstorms, but we think there are any number of other more likely hypotheses for the cows’ dramatic demise:

* Inability to endure the strain of waiting for McDonalds to re-release the McRib

* Demonstrating their solidarity with the marginalized nomads of Borneo, now on the verge of extinction due to logging industry excesses.  Don’t let cows’ placid nature fool you – they’re revolutionaries to the core.

* Lacking the opposable thumbs to write bad poetry after a miserable breakup, this was their only escape

* A spirited, drunken celebration of the anniversary of Jonestown that took a turn for the worse

* One particularly sinister cow told the others that Disney was filming a nature documentary and this was their big chance at immortality.

* Lax science standards in Switzerland gave the cows’ a deficient understanding of evolution, leading to this poorly executed attempt to gain their species flight.

* One cool cow did it, and now everybody else has to for fear of being called “chicken”.

Though any of those could be the culprit, Atom’s surveilance tapes did manage to catch this footage prior to the incident:

Yes, the Alps are coastal.  No, YOU suck at Geography.

Luckily our CSI team was able to enhance that image without any degradation whatsoever, because that’s how science works:

It’s suddenly all too clear…

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