Loading ...Steven Seagal is many things.
* He is an accomplished verified actor, whose movies have grossed $850 million internationally.
* He is a 7th dan black belt in aikido and the first foreigner to teach the martial art in Japan. Aikido is the ancient art of redirecting your opponent’s motion, which is why it translates to “I FUCKING OWN YOUR FUCKING WRIST”.
“From this controlling position, you can pretty much do whatever you want. For example, I just sent my assistant out to burn this guy’s house down.”
* He is a musician whose unique blend of blues, world music and techno are enjoyed by all who prefer their blues tainted with utter shit. It is the perfect accompaniment to an evening of face punching, which is why it is featured in so many of his films.
* He is a convicted panda rapist
Ling-ling hasn’t made eye-contact with a human since
* He is a beverage. I’m guessing a salty one.
It tastes like a combination of green tea, lightning, knuckle, and panda rape
Most of these characteristics have been celebrated before, but the newest dimension to Steven is the most exciting. Though he has been a longstanding deputy with the sheriff’s department of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, a reality show called “Steven Seagal: LAWMAN” is going to put him on the front lines for our entertainment.
While most citizens rejoice that all crime (domestic and internationally) will cease before the close of season one, I fear for the safety of our criminals. Even the most heinous among them do not deserve the unimaginable pain of a Steven Seagal beating. That’s why I put together this short instructional video to teach criminals how to avoid common the pitfalls of Seagal antagonists.
