The Atom Blog

Courtesy of the Jurassic Park series, the velociraptor was plucked from paleontological obscurity to become synonymous with awesome.  For what they lacked in stature, they compensated for in cunning, viciousness, and  their seldom mentioned velocidong.

How they were able to move silently through the forest floor dragging this is anyone’s guess

The velociraptor was celebrated as a lightning-quick homicide machine, capable of eviscerating us with a mere swipe of their foot.  And those killjoy Paleontologists can’t wait to take that away from us.

Paleontologists are a bitter brood.  By the time they realize they are going to spend 85% of their professional life dusting, they’re come too far to turn back.  Their only joy is in tearing down the research of others, demonstrating their relative superiority to their fellow bone custodians.  That’s the only reason why anyone would publish an article asserting blaspemy like velociraptor talons weren’t actually used for gutting prey.

The theory is that the hooked talons, while menacing looking, were really just a larger version of a claw that similar species had adapted for climbing.  It’s an interesting idea, but let me pose a question.  Would you say this:

…looks more like the object on the left or the right?

Completely indistinguishable

Exactly.  I call bullshit.  The velociraptor was clearly the fossilized progenitor of Freddy Krueger.  Don’t let this filthy liberal revisionist paleohistory infect your mind.  It’s bad enough that they’re wrong, but worse it’s EXACTLY what the velociraptors want you to think.

We must stop this madness.  How can we know the paleontologists aren’t already picking through our children’s textbooks, trying to find new lies to propagate?

It’s only a matter of time before more of our most cherished dinosaurs are reconceptualized:

The Stegosaurus’ tail was a defensive adaptation the first plow, ushering forth agrarian tribes of dinosaurs

The Triceratop’s horns could gore any similarly sized predator made drying wet clothes a snap!

The bony crest of the Lambeosaurus served social functions of noisemaking and recognition was a very effective beer opener

Okay, that last one can stay.  But that’s where I draw the line.