I sent this email to the head brewer/distiller at Ballast Point, who recently announced they were going to release their first whiskey.

Dear Boozemaster,

Let me begin by saying I am a TREMENDOUS fan of your trade. I have a deep appreciation for anyone that has made it their life’s calling to decimate sobriety. Your Calico Amber Ale is an absolute requirement at every social gathering, if only because it allows me to summarily reject anyone who finds it “too bitter”.

This is the face of cowardice

When I heard you were getting into the business of distilling spirits I was definitely excited. Your devotion to fine brews is a good omen for any other intoxicants you produce. In fairness, I have no idea if your new gin is any good, but I figure this world can never have too much liquor.

Not Pictured: Too Much Liquor

I was most intrigued by the announcement that you were going to be producing your own whiskey, as that is my drink of choice. I love the way it warms my gullet and how it gives me the strength to endure every workday. However, if I may be so bold, your selected name fills me with consternation.

While “The Devil’s Share” is certainly clever, I can’t help but think you’re missing a tremendous marketing opportunity. Whiskey is the quintessential Man drink and no distiller to date has done it justice with an appropriate name. Whiskey deserves a name that acknowledges its abrasiveness and potency. A whiskey name should tell the world “The paragon of masculinity who drinks me also routinely eats cinderblocks for lunch.” And that’s why you need to rename it this:

Cap’n McLiverstabby’s Shark Venom

Atom.com will not replace any monitor that explodes with awesome if you click to enlarge this

To show you I am not alone in this request, I have started an online petition that reads as follows:

We live in desperate times. Hard times call for hard alcohol, and hard alcohol calls for a suitably robust name.

We yearn for a whiskey that communicates to the world that we wear our cirrhosis like a red badge of courage. One glance at its label should compel our lessers to drop their jaws to the floor (among the countless piles of ladies undergarments that have likewise dropped in response to the whiskey). The mere mention of this whiskey should spontaneously castrate all the unworthy who hear it.

We ask Ballast Point Spirits to please consider naming their forthcoming whiskey “Cap’n McLiverstabby’s Shark Venom”. For America.

If you opt to soldier on with your vastly inferior name because of misplaced sentimentality, I totally understand. In fact, I’ve prepared for that eventuality to ensure that your whiskey label can still be as awesome as possible:

Every bottle comes with a 50% Off coupon for an AT-AT

I DEFY you to come up with something more befitting a quality whiskey. I would sell my firstborn just to sniff the cork of a bottle that looked like that, but, in fairness, I don’t care for my child much.

Yours in inebriation,
Ian Cheesman

As it turns out, their head brewer understands genius when he hears it. This was his reply:

If any of you readers dare to share this dream with me, please sign the online petition. Together, we can change the world for our children’s whiskey.

Got something we should feature on the blog? Send a link to tips@atom.com.