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Loading ...There are lots of things in the world that Max Silvestri does not understand. Or maybe he just doesn’t pay attention. Each week in this column, Max tries to figure a new mystery out by reading the work of the greatest democracy on Earth, Internet commenters.
What, exactly, is a Twilight? I do not know, but according to professional money estimators it’s going to make somebody a hundred million dollars this weekend. Good for them! Whoever made this movie’s parents should be proud. “Here’s a gold star, shaped like a noose. Wear it like a neck hat!” As I am neither a teenager girl or a teenage girl’s mom (YET) I am confused as to what New Moon is all about. Confused but aroused!
I checked in on the trailer and read what the YouTube commenters had to say. Did you know that YouTube commenters are some of the smartest writers on the planet? Each week they throw their copies of the New Yorker in the trash and are all, “I don’t read things meant for babies.” That’s how smart they are! Apparently, given an infinite amount of time and an infinite amount of keyboards, YouTube commenters would write the complete works of Shakespeare then call them all gay? That is a true math theorem I just made up. But anyway, this is what I figured out:
New Moon is a sports movie, it seems. It’s about two really different teams, one is Team Edward and one is Team Jacob. These teams are really different! One of them is tall and muscled and pale and loves Bella and has hair on its belly, and the other is tall and muscled and dark and loves Bella and has a waxed chest. Could not be more different, am I right?
And I am not sure entirely what sport they play, but it seems that one of the rules is that you have to make grown women cry, constantly and embarrassingly. Bella apparently is really selfish and bets on the wrong team. Or the right team? I don’t want to give away the ending. There are also vampires, somehow, but honestly it seems like people would be very excited a bout this even if there weren’t vampires. Do you guys want to see the movie I wrote called Eclipse about two super fucking gorgeous guys whose shirts always fall off who really selflessly offer themselves up to a homely every-girl? Oh also one is an alien named Henry Spaceman and the other is a mummy robot called Didlo and who gives a shit somebody write me a check for a million dollars.
I guess at some point a character gets covered in vampire baby crap so this movie is also kind of a baby comedy. It’d be great if Edward had to improvise a crib really last minute and when the other characters aren’t looking uses his super strength to make one out of a telephone pole. That’d be a great scene full of laughs! New Moon should be called Three Men and a Bella.
There you go. You now know all the facts about The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Don’t bother seeing it, and you can still be comfortable chatting about it at cocktail parties, and when I say cocktail parties I mean overnight lock-in soda dances at the rec center, because this is for children. Also, I am a total children expert what with knowing about their soda dances.
