For the uninitiated, “Porky Piggin it” is when you hang around the house pants-less (bonus points for wearing a bow tie, but not required). No doubt, it was inspired by the bow tied, coat wearing, cartoon pig. The Selwyn Brothers were compelled to release a rollicking music video this week on that very topic. But it got us thinking… Porky Pig was a bit of a pervert, no? And if porky pig managed to pass his exhibitionism off as children’s entertainment, which other cartoon characters got away with disguising their perverse antics as entertainment? After an afternoon of re-examined childhood atrocities, we bring to you 10 beloved cartoon characters who, in retrospect, are total pervs.

Porky Pig…

The originator of the single worst style around. As noted by the Selwyn’s, kicking it in nothing but a dress shirt is obviously incredibly relaxing, but the combination of no pants, collared shirt, and a bowtie is seriously, seriously just disgusting as hell.

Eeyore

So here’s the thing. I know it’s unkind to make fun of the mentally ill, and a donkey suffering from a very public case of the Chronic Depression’s certainly qualifies. On the other hand, my man rolls around in public on all fours, with some kind of nail or safety pin or something sticking out of his ass. I suppose you could argue that that’s what he uses to keep his tail attached to his body, but honestly, if a body part requires that kind of rather unorthodox surgery, you’re keeping it on for pleasure, not medical necessity. It should also be noted that he’s constantly badgering people to nail it to him, including children.

Prince Eric

Prince Eric could have had virtually any woman in the world. He was a handsome, rich prince who lived in a palace over looking the ocean. And he falls in love with an unobtainable, fish lady. Prince Eric owes Ursula a solid, because only dark magic could combine his lust for aquatic females with someone he could bring home to his parents.

Bugs Bunny

Ok, fine. It’s 2010. Cross dressing shouldn’t be a big deal anymore. It’s really the joy he finds in sexually manipulating a sad, bald hunter with a speech impediment that makes Bugs Bunny a real perv. Not the cross dressing alone. I mean it.

Pepe Le Pew

Pepe’s story is a sad case of misunderstanding and mistaken identity. He thinks he’s in love with a comely young skunk, but alas, she’s actually a cat with a misleading streak of white paint on her back. To the human viewer, it’s an honest mistake. We aren’t skunks, nor cats, and therefore the nuances that differentiate the two species are lost on us. Who doesn’t sympathize for these two star crossed lovers?

But let me ask you this? Would you be convinced by a monkey in a dress? No. no you would not.

Why not? Because, as a human, we easily, and intuitively recognize our own species, JUST LIKE A SKUNK WOULD. Pepe, I’m calling you out. You always know you’re chasing a cat around, and you LIKE IT. Pepe Le Pew is aggressively cavorting with unwilling cats on a regular basis, with the same old, recycled excuse.  Lock up your pets when Pepe-the-cat-rapist-Le-Pew is in town. He’s a French, stinky, pervert.

The Muppet Babies

Muppet babies provided a plethora of confusing feelings, but the most confounding of all, was their relationship with Nanny. No, we never see her face, but more importantly, we only see her feet, and all the Muppets fucking love it. The show is totally subjective, shot entirely from the point of view of the Muppets, and they never even bother to look upwards. Because they love feet. Feet, and role playing.

Just close your eyes/ and make believe/ and you can be anywhere

He-Man

Look, fighting evil is tough work. That sword is probably pretty heavy, and you definitely need to make sure your arms and legs aren’t constricted to maximize mobility. Sure. But He-Man drops into battle straight up wearing tighty-furries, red boots and a seriously jacked up little sword harness. Maybe it’s a belly vest? Hard to say, but I’m definitely saddened that my parents thought for a minute this was an ok way for me to spend weekday afternoons.

Sheldon

Ok, so Sheldon is a chicken that has hatched, but refuses to come out of the egg, and thus, his legs stick out and he navigates, I guess, via sonar or something. But basically, Sheldon is the chicken version of a guy who wears diapers around. Or a kid who refuses to leave his mom’s vagina. Either way, honestly pretty sick.

Mr. Peabody

So Mr. Peabody is this genius dog who’s invented a time machine so that he can convince young boys to be his ward and take weekend trips back in time. They traipse across the time stream in Peabody’s Wayback machine/molestation wagon, fucking with history. Think about it, Peabody’s attempt to impress young boys could have disrupted the space-time-continuum as we know it. Or did it?

Launchpad McQuack

Here are the rules in Duckburg:

Ducks don’t wear pants

Beagles do

It seems that for 99% of the population, this social contract is upheld. If you’ve got a natural, downy, set of feather Underoos covering you duck-bits, then why bother with pants? Uncle Scrooge can afford pants, and even he doesn’t wear them. So what on earth is Launchpad hiding?

An embarrassingly giant duck dick, that’s what.

that’s all folks!

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