We’re really excited to have a new video from hilarious author and comedian Julie Klausner, who’s book I Don’t Care About Your Band is being developed by Adam McKay and Will Ferrell’s team for a little cable channel known as HBO. Our friend Max Silvestri had a quick chat with Julie about books, cats, and her video, The Cat Whisperer

Did you know that Stephen Baldwin, star of Bio-Dome and Threesome, lost his career because of his Christianity? It’s true, apparently. Hollywood couldn’t handle it! They could definitely handle how talented and cool he was, but they couldn’t handle his faith. But no joke, there is a genuine movement to “restore Stephen Baldwin” by donating money to him. I know, it almost makes TOO much sense. Read about it on CBS News.

Comedian Gabe Delahaye and I have been interested in helping Stephen Baldwin for years with our OWN charity, one that collects children up to send Hollywood a very controversial message regarding its treatment of Steve B. We made this video to get the word out about our efforts.

Two other interested New York City comedians, Patrick Borelli (author of Holy Headshot!) and Jon Benjamin (Archer, Home Movies) also decided to do what they could to help Stephen by throwing a Benefit for Stephen Baldwin* at Brooklyn’s The Bell House. Except instead of giving the money to the Hollywood Baldwin, they donated it to Stephen C. Baldwin, a local gentleman they discovered who raises money for Brooklyn parrots and also performs in a Beatles cover band called the Meetles.

I sat down over email with Patrick and asked him some questions about how the event went this past Tuesday.

Q: After hearing the Meatles play, can you say for sure who is the more talented Baldwin?

Patrick Borelli: First, they’re called the MEEtles, not the MEAtles. They’re not a Beatles tribute band that’s also a tribute to various meats. Though that would be a good idea for a tribute band. Here’s what a typical Meatles set list would look like:

- Sopressata (Day In The Life)
- Finochietta (Love Me Do)
- Serrano (Hard Days Night)
- Roasted Heritage Berkshire Ham (Strawberry Fields)
- Pastrami (Help!)
- Roast Beef (Lady Madonna)
- Honey Glazed Roasted Turkey Breast
- Baloney (Don’t Let Me Down)
- Bresaola (All You Need Is Love)
- Schinkenspeck (Twist and Shout)
- Honey Glazed Roasted Turkey Breast (original, not a Beatles cover)

Who is more talented? That’s like asking, ‘Whose car has an engine?” They’re both have talent engines. Does that make sense? Probably not. I’m terrible at making analogies. How about this one: That’s like asking which side of Roger Federer’s face is more attractive? The left or the right. They’re both attractive. Each side of Federer’s face brings something to the attraction table.

Q: Have you been in touch at all with Hollywood’s Stephen Baldwin? If he reached out, what would you say?

PB: I have not spoken with Hollywood/Long Island’s Stephen Baldwin. If he reached out, it would probably be with his right fist to punch me in the face. If could say anything to him post punch (I’m definitely a one-and-done fighter. Even though my jaw’s never been tested in a fist fight, I’m pretty sure it’s made of glass) it would be, “Hey, dude, deal with it.” That would probably be a good opening. Then I would follow with, “Hey, you’ve had sixty-plus film and television roles. I’ve had four. You’re winning here.”

Q: Stephen C. Baldwin raises money for parrots in Brooklyn, who at times nest near power lines and cause outages, thereby threatening the lives of those on respirators and such. Should we really be donating to parrots?

PB: Yes, we should be. I’m a Darwinist but only when it comes to humans. If certain people need electricity to stay alive, maybe they don’t deserve to live. I say that now but really, when the time comes for me to live off of electricity I’ll probably want the parrots nesting on my power lines to be destroyed.

Q: What was your favorite moment of the evening?

PB: Revealing the 36 new social media sites that I think the Restore Stephen Baldwin site should have a presence on. Some of my favorites were rememberaboutit, a site for Italians who survived the holocaust and metuMEETME, a site for self-effacing folks who people never remember meeting, as in, “Yeah, I’ve met you a million times and you never remember me. Now it’s time for you to MEET ME.” OTFU was another one. It stands for Open The Fuck Up. It’s a site for quiet kids who need to learn speak up for themselves. That was another favorite.

Q: Any thoughts to take this show on the road?

PB: We thought about doing it in LA but I doubt that will happen. If a wealthy person in LA is reading this and they want us to put on our Benefit For Stephen Baldwin in LA and is willing to fly us out there and cover our expenses, then yes, we’ll do another show.

There are lots of things in the world that Max Silvestri does not understand. Or maybe he just doesn’t pay attention. Each week in this column, Max uses the Internet to figure them out.

Jay Leno is back at 11:30, everybody. Very exciting! The man’s an institution. More like he belongs in an institution, am I right? Or even MORE like America should institute a policy where he is automatically deported to a place that doesn’t have cameras and also killing Jay Lenos is a cultural thing. What an odd policy for the government to enact! Politics are crazy…

There are lots of things in the world that Max Silvestri does not understand. Or maybe he just doesn’t pay attention. Each week in this column, Max uses the Internet to figure them out.

Dear Toyota,

Oh boy. You’ve done gone and blown it GOOD. Remember not that long ago when Priuses were so piping hot that anybody rich with a hint of a whiff of a conscience or at least a desire to appear they had one hopped on waiting lists to get a chance to own one of your cars? You changed the game! Americans seemed finally ready to fully let go of American made cars.

But oops. All your cars are BROKEN…

There are lots of things in the world that Max Silvestri does not understand. Or maybe he just doesn’t pay attention. Each week in this column, Max uses the Internet to figure them out.

When I first heard someone mention “Google Buzz,” I thought they were telling me to try and find out what Kevin’s mean older brother in Home Alone looks like now. He’s still fat! But he seems nicer.

Go get em, kid! But I was wrong. Google has a new “thing” out. I don’t know what to call it. It is their best “thing” since Wave. Remember Wave? What a game changer. I miss that old game before it all got CHANGED. Everyone just started Waving. JK, that didn’t happen at all. I guess some people use it? Look, I am really smart. I went to school and I work with computers. But I never really figured out Wave. Will my grandkids make fun of me for that? Probably. Yes.

But this is what Buzz is, according to Google.

Perfect! Very good explanation. This definitely doesn’t confuse me at all. For those of you who didn’t watch the video, here’s a transcription:

“The first thing we all do when we find something interesting is share it. More and more this kind of sharing takes place online. Google Buzz is a new way to share photos, videos, updates, quotes, statuses, articles, dick pics, and other stuff. Because there is definitely no way to share information with your friends as it stands right now. That’s definitely something the Internet is missing.

“Boy, I sure wish there was a free platform to network, SOCIALLY network, with real life and internet acquaintances. Maybe there could be a profile picture of everyone’s face, so I could remember what they looked like. And all these things people want to share, arranged by their faces, would make a kind of constantly updating book about the world around me! I’ll call it BookFace.

“So you just post things you want to share with the people who follow you. Who follows you? Your friends, automatically, maybe. But also strangers. Have you ever sold tickets to someone on Craigslist and then had two emails with them? Yeah, you are probably automatically following them. Oh, cool, there’s your landlord. He can now read about what you are doing with your day. I bet him seeing your name in his Google Buzz feed reminded him he needs to change the memory card on the camera in that “smoke detector” in your bedroom. When we said “follow” you probably thought of Twitter, but Google Buzz is very different than Twitter. Because we own it, not Twitter, who we tried and failed to buy.”

This is actually what Google Buzz is good for.

There are lots of things in the world that Max Silvestri does not understand. Or maybe he just doesn’t pay attention. Each week in this column, Max tries to figure a new mystery out by reading the work of the greatest democracy on Earth, Internet commenters.

This Sunday is of course the biggest day of the year for sports fans, snack fans, party fans, commercial critics, advertising agencies, and guys who own t-shirt stores. It is Super Bowl 44, the Colts facing off against the New Orleans Saints in Miami, which is also where a CSI television program is set. That should give us hope that if anyone is found murdered during the game, the police force will have a very good chance of catching the criminals using forensics. It is also extra special because the Who are playing the half-time show, and as we all know the Who do the theme song for CSI. Now I kind of hope somebody gets murdered? Here’s an image I made:

So yeah, I know a lot about snacks, CSI, and the Who, but very little about the two teams playing. On the one hand, the Colts have Eli Manning, who was is good at football and very charismatic in DirecTV commercials or whatever. He’s got a strong looking head, like he was born at the bottom of a a mine shaft then dug his own way out as a baby or something. But on the other hand we’ve got the Saints. They are America’s team this year! Because of Katrina. They are also clearly Val Kilmer’s team, who was the King of last year’s Mardi Gras parade.

Which squad will win the match?! Is there any way to accurately predict the outcome? Yes. The Internet. I went to the home of the most neutral and objective sports analysis on the Internet: WhoDatZone.com. Let’s see what their computers predicted!

There you have it. No need to watch on Sunday now.

There are lots of things in the world that Max Silvestri does not understand. Or maybe he just doesn’t pay attention. Each week in this column, Max tries to figure a new mystery out by reading the work of the greatest democracy on Earth, Internet commenters.

Finally, the Apple tablet computer/giant iPhone thing is here: the iPad. Good name! Super good name. I think all of the Internet agrees how strong that name is. “Beyond reproach” is absolutely something I’ve heard a lot of experts throw around.

Apparently, lots of people are saying Mad TV predicted the iPAD with a sketch a few years ago about a feminine care product that goes in your (not my) feminine area and also has Bluetooth and headphones and other hacky jokes. Does this mean MadTV now owns Apple, because they beat them at their own game? I am assuming we all use Mighty Ducks 2 rules, wherein the Junior Varsity team switches places with the Varsity team if they beat them. Also, in case you didn’t know, MadTV is just like the computer company Apple, only not quite as good at making computers and peripherals.

I am a little confused about the iPad. It looks like a giant iPhone, and it has no camera, and will probably break easily. The videos on Apple’s website seem to indicate it’s a 500 dollar machine for watching Star Trek or Up, but nothing else. Let’s have commenters explain it to me…

There are lots of things in the world that Max Silvestri does not understand. Or maybe he just doesn’t pay attention. Each week in this column, Max tries to figure a new mystery out by reading the work of the greatest democracy on Earth, Internet commenters.

I do not understand all this talk about Team Conan and Team Jay! (Let’s be honest, mostly talk about Team Conan. The Team Jay talk is probably more shaking-fist-at-confounded-moon-picture-box-while-farting-and-waiting-for-meals-to-be-delivered than talk, but still.) I mean, I understand why people are talking about the future of a venerable broadcasting institution. That’s not my problem. My problem is why no one is talking about where Lopez Tonight fits into this.

There are lots of things in the world that Max Silvestri does not understand. Or maybe he just doesn’t pay attention. Each week in this column, Max tries to figure a new mystery out by reading the work of the greatest democracy on Earth, Internet commenters.

“Fly me to CES!” That is what I said to Editor Andrew a few weeks ago. “I will get all the latest scroops on hot new gadgets.” And then he said, “Do you mean scoops?” And I said, “This is exactly why you need to fly me to Vegas.” (I had found out on WikiPedia that CES is in Vegas.)

But Atom did not fly me to Vegas, so instead I had to learn about Google’s new phone, the Nexus One, through the Internet. This is a phone we should be very excited about! Apparently? I don’t know; I try and just do what people tell me to do. Frankly, I’m a little conflicted. People seem to really want this guy, but I already have an iPhone. Am I supposed to carry both? The last thing I want is to not fit or in or for anyone to think I’m not cool. I would jump out of a moving car if that happened! (I imagine those two things would only happen while I am driving, because on the road is when most people judge you.)

What do I do! Doy, I’ll let the Internet decide for me. It is the Great Democracy! (That’s what Teddy Roosevelt said about the Internet. ) Here are some people commenting on a video from Attack of the Show.

OK, this makes total sense now. Because at first I didn’t understand ktlocalbus: get all three? That is so many phones to have! Are you a drug dealer or a movie star or a shithead or all three? Then AllyKaht (good name, btw) cleared it up: Apple fucking suck. Which I guess I never considered because I like my iPhone and my Macbook, but when you think about it, Apple DO fucking suck.  Especially when you realize that iPhones are always raping stuff, like Blackberries. But to be fair, the Google phone rapes that Motorola phone. Why are phones always raping? Isn’t that really bad? Why would I want so many rapey phones? But jennliz832, who I imagine is also a phone, explains it: us girls (phones) are tired of wimpy thrusts. Ground and pound!

So I am buying all three and having them rape each other, I guess. Guys need to take charge.

There are lots of things in the world that Max Silvestri does not understand. Or maybe he just doesn’t pay attention. Each week in this column, Max tries to figure a new mystery out by reading the work of the greatest democracy on Earth, Internet commenters.

I thought Senators were really lazy. Isn’t that a thing? I am almost sure it is. They work ten weeks a year and spend the rest of the time drinking expensive Scotch bought for them by lobbyists and getting their aides to “handle” mistresses. It is very similar to what goes in the House, except in the House everyone is gay but is constantly telling people not to be gay. Am I totally off on Congress? Maybe. Either way, it is very surprising that the Senate got its act together enough to meet on Christmas Eve to cast the final vote on healthcare reform.