Sexy Rainbow Trout, anyone?

By my calculations this means the most popular costume this year should be Sexy Zombie Balloon-Boy. Unfortunately that composition is likely to intimidate even seasoned costume designers, so I’ve compiled a list of what the internet has determined will be the most popular costumes this year…at least for the girls who don’t want to be Miley Cyrus:

Miley touring in support of her new album “Your Love (Is Like Grinding On A Metal Shaft)”

1. Kanye West
Kanye has always been known for bringing street cred to bipolar disorder, but this year his antics managed to outshine his three previous outbursts. That’s really saying something.

It’s a simple enough costume to put together and it’s guaranteed to make for the BEST snapshots:

2. Kate Plus 8
It’s been a tumultuous year for America’s TLC’s favorite family. Charges of exploitation and infidelity have shaken the Gosselin family to the point that even the future of their television circus is uncertain. Without the show we will be left to blindly speculate on how traumatized their children will be instead of having the evidence delivered to us weekly. It’s tragic, really.

There are no good costume templates for this, so my suggestion is to buy an old Sonic the Hedgehog outfit and bleach the tips. The accessories will do the rest of the heavy lifting:

Kate’s organizational skills will be needed to balance so many therapy appointments

3. Obama
Without fail, the President of the United States Of America is a richly mined subject for Halloween costumes and Obama is certain to be no different. It’s also a golden opportunity for all the white people who feel robbed that performing in Blackface went out with the 1950s.

Anyone else think this resembles a photo negative of old Richard Nixon masks? Eerie…

Satire is key with this costume selection. Make sure the P.U.S.A. is at least carrying a Nobel Peace Prize if not an Emmy, Oscar or any other formally undeserved awards. Anything referencing communism is likewise suitable, though you may wish to refrain from carrying an actual hammer and sickle. It would be a shame to have your satire confused with a genre collision of “Bludgeoning & Slashing Obama”.

If your liberal sensibilities don’t embrace this, I’ve got you covered. Glenn Beck is a perfectly antithetical choice with room for satire as well. For example, I’ve obscured his face in a KKK hood, but he’s still readily recognizable by the mascara-thickened man tears soaking through his cloak during a trademarked patriotic jag:

“I just love my country so much…like MORE than a friend, y’know?”

4. Kim Kardashian
This one is pretty self-explanatory, really.

Sure, it’s creepy. But anything’s better than looking at “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”.

Dear Boozemaster,

Let me begin by saying I am a TREMENDOUS fan of your trade. I have a deep appreciation for anyone that has made it their life’s calling to decimate sobriety. Your Calico Amber Ale is an absolute requirement at every social gathering, if only because it allows me to summarily reject anyone who finds it “too bitter”.

This is the face of cowardice

When I heard you were getting into the business of distilling spirits I was definitely excited. Your devotion to fine brews is a good omen for any other intoxicants you produce. In fairness, I have no idea if your new gin is any good, but I figure this world can never have too much liquor.

Not Pictured: Too Much Liquor

I was most intrigued by the announcement that you were going to be producing your own whiskey, as that is my drink of choice. I love the way it warms my gullet and how it gives me the strength to endure every workday. However, if I may be so bold, your selected name fills me with consternation.

While “The Devil’s Share” is certainly clever, I can’t help but think you’re missing a tremendous marketing opportunity. Whiskey is the quintessential Man drink and no distiller to date has done it justice with an appropriate name. Whiskey deserves a name that acknowledges its abrasiveness and potency. A whiskey name should tell the world “The paragon of masculinity who drinks me also routinely eats cinderblocks for lunch.” And that’s why you need to rename it this:

Cap’n McLiverstabby’s Shark Venom

Atom.com will not replace any monitor that explodes with awesome if you click to enlarge this

To show you I am not alone in this request, I have started an online petition that reads as follows:

We live in desperate times. Hard times call for hard alcohol, and hard alcohol calls for a suitably robust name.

We yearn for a whiskey that communicates to the world that we wear our cirrhosis like a red badge of courage. One glance at its label should compel our lessers to drop their jaws to the floor (among the countless piles of ladies undergarments that have likewise dropped in response to the whiskey). The mere mention of this whiskey should spontaneously castrate all the unworthy who hear it.

We ask Ballast Point Spirits to please consider naming their forthcoming whiskey “Cap’n McLiverstabby’s Shark Venom”. For America.

If you opt to soldier on with your vastly inferior name because of misplaced sentimentality, I totally understand. In fact, I’ve prepared for that eventuality to ensure that your whiskey label can still be as awesome as possible:

Every bottle comes with a 50% Off coupon for an AT-AT

I DEFY you to come up with something more befitting a quality whiskey. I would sell my firstborn just to sniff the cork of a bottle that looked like that, but, in fairness, I don’t care for my child much.

Yours in inebriation,
Ian Cheesman

As it turns out, their head brewer understands genius when he hears it. This was his reply:

If any of you readers dare to share this dream with me, please sign the online petition. Together, we can change the world for our children’s whiskey.

While seldom clocking in at precisely 5 seconds of content, these fan films accomplish much in little time. Some manage to boil an entire series down to their essence, like All Rocky Movies (In 5 Seconds):

Others are a bit more editorial, like Spiderman 3 (In 5 Seconds):

For my money, it’s almost funniest when whole affair is bastardized, especially at the expense of children in The Lion King (In 5 Seconds):

In a show of solidarity with my fellow smart-asses, I had to take a stab at it myself. Welcome to the world premier of Boogie Nights (In 5 Seconds):

And since a (likely regretable) sequel will be coming out soon, I thought a quick reminder of what The Boondock Saints (In 5 Seconds) had to offer:

Or the first heart transplant?

Or primitive birth control?

That’s why we must always celebrate our pioneering spirit, even when it is as stupefying as the inventions that follow.

Rodeo Boy

Leave it to the Japanese to invent a mechanism for dry-humping your way to slimmer abdominals. Given the host’s reaction to this apparatus I’m a little surprised they didn’t upsell this device with some kleenex.

This is the face of physical fitness

Pedi-Mouse
What is the number one concern of all modern-day gamers? Other than crippling ADD. And obesity. That’s right – finding spare moments for proper exfoliation!

With the Pedi-Egg Mouse you need not miss a single exquisite headshot while filing your epidermis down to a raw pulp.

Because every social recluse deserves soft skin

Pudding “Cups”
Sometimes a man wants pudding. Sometimes a (hetero) man wants boobs. But who has the time for both?!

Let’s pretend unmistakably thin quandary somehow justifies this Japanese skeeviness:

The censoring Japanese flags paradoxically make the nipples more prominent

Handerpants
People may tell you these make you look ridiculous, but you’ll laugh last in 20 years when your handballs aren’t sagging down to your elbows like everyone else.

Respect the handballs

Beer Can Simulator
Just when you thought there was nothing on this god forsaken planet that was more insubstantial than light beer, the good folks at Bandai delivered. This beer can simulates the delightful *sshhhhkttt* of opening a cold one, without burdening you with all that superfluous refreshment.

FINALLY technology has distilled all the joy out of beer!

Yeah, I’m talking to you Jenny Langenfeld

Nowadays most treat it like a portal into their (generally dull) lives. Finally, you can say goodbye to the sleepless nights you spent wondering what people you met in passing 6 years back are having for breakfast! It’s also a hub for online entertainment with games like Mafia Wars, which distills the criminal underworld down to a series of scavenger hunts:

Despite all of my bitching, I must confess that I’ve had a uniquely awesome week on Facebook. This is the kind of week where I start to remember the raw power of the internet to share ideas and, more importantly, make me giggle uncontrollably during misspent work hours.

First, I was introduced to this beer:

Made with real shuriken!

Then I discovered what an artist friend of mine works on in between masterpieces…

I like to believe THIS is how the last unicorn died

I found out another friend was doing a poetry reading, which I admit is curiously unawesome compared to the previous two items. At least until the Kool Aid Man busts in and turns it into a real party:

POOOOEEETRRYYY OOOHHH YEEAAAAHHHH!!!!

Inspired by Megabot, we put together a list of some of our favorite robotic advocates for interstellar justice.

 
 

Worse, I am beginning to think part of Voltron’s core mission was ethnic cleansing. Outfits aside, his pilots showed about as much diversity as a Klan rally.

“We must rid the universe of evil King Zarkon! And Blacks!”


 
 

These indiscriminate Voltron knock-offs only had one salvation in live-action Kimberly. Zordon may not have had much of an eye for talent, but he knew how to find fit jailbait.

I just summoned a Megazord in my pants.

 
 

Affirmative Action was sadly a hot-button topic among the Teens…

When called to action by tattoos in their arms, they transformed into specific signs of the zodiac to do battle (unless one of their moons was in Sagittarius, in which case they should focus their energies on new career opportunities right around the corner!) If they couldn’t individually defeat a foe, they formed a giant medieval knight powerful enough to overcome even the most internally inconsistent plot themes.

 
 

They are adorable though. That should count for something.

 
 

So that’s the list. Pretty complete, huh? Let us know in comments if we missed anyone, or just drop us a line to tell us how smart we are.

How they were able to move silently through the forest floor dragging this is anyone’s guess

The velociraptor was celebrated as a lightning-quick homicide machine, capable of eviscerating us with a mere swipe of their foot.  And those killjoy Paleontologists can’t wait to take that away from us.

Paleontologists are a bitter brood.  By the time they realize they are going to spend 85% of their professional life dusting, they’re come too far to turn back.  Their only joy is in tearing down the research of others, demonstrating their relative superiority to their fellow bone custodians.  That’s the only reason why anyone would publish an article asserting blaspemy like velociraptor talons weren’t actually used for gutting prey.

The theory is that the hooked talons, while menacing looking, were really just a larger version of a claw that similar species had adapted for climbing.  It’s an interesting idea, but let me pose a question.  Would you say this:

…looks more like the object on the left or the right?

Completely indistinguishable

Exactly.  I call bullshit.  The velociraptor was clearly the fossilized progenitor of Freddy Krueger.  Don’t let this filthy liberal revisionist paleohistory infect your mind.  It’s bad enough that they’re wrong, but worse it’s EXACTLY what the velociraptors want you to think.

We must stop this madness.  How can we know the paleontologists aren’t already picking through our children’s textbooks, trying to find new lies to propagate?

It’s only a matter of time before more of our most cherished dinosaurs are reconceptualized:

The Stegosaurus’ tail was a defensive adaptation the first plow, ushering forth agrarian tribes of dinosaurs

The Triceratop’s horns could gore any similarly sized predator made drying wet clothes a snap!

The bony crest of the Lambeosaurus served social functions of noisemaking and recognition was a very effective beer opener

Okay, that last one can stay.  But that’s where I draw the line.

Here’s a quick test to gauge your assassin quotient.

Imagine after a hard day at work you’ve just cashed your paycheck and are headed home.  Suddenly you’re faced with a man weidling a bat, demanding you hand over your earnings.  What do you do?

A) Run for help

B) Defecate, then run for help.  Probably a bit slower than you’d like.

C) Paint the walls red with his innards

If you answered (C), congratulations!:

Unfortunately this quiz was plucked from reality a couple of days ago when a homeowner was faced with exactly this situation.  However, it probably turned out to be the best day of this guy’s life.  He actually was a big fan of ninjas and had swords situated around his apartment the way some people might scatter air fresheners.  You don’t stock a home with ninja cutlery and then hope you AREN’T attacked by a vastly inferior blunt instrument.

Some of the details of what happened are sketchy, but we’ve reconstructed the incident based on the attacker’s statement to the police:

Though this is just a reenactment, it could have happened just like this

* He is an accomplished verified actor, whose movies have grossed $850 million internationally.

* He is a 7th dan black belt in aikido and the first foreigner to teach the martial art in Japan.  Aikido is the ancient art of redirecting your opponent’s motion, which is why it translates to “I FUCKING OWN YOUR FUCKING WRIST”.

“From this controlling position, you can pretty much do whatever you want.  For example, I just sent my assistant out to burn this guy’s house down.”

* He is a musician whose unique blend of blues, world music and techno are enjoyed by all who prefer their blues tainted with utter shit.  It is the perfect accompaniment to an evening of face punching, which is why it is featured in so many of his films.

Did the shirt beget the ponytail or vice versa?  We may never know.

* He is a convicted panda rapist

Ling-ling hasn’t made eye-contact with a human since

* He is a beverage.  I’m guessing a salty one.

It tastes like a combination of green tea, lightning, knuckle, and panda rape

Most of these characteristics have been celebrated before, but the newest dimension to Steven is the most exciting.  Though he has been a longstanding deputy with the sheriff’s department of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, a reality show called “Steven Seagal: LAWMAN” is going to put him on the front lines for our entertainment.

While most citizens rejoice that all crime (domestic and internationally) will cease before the close of season one, I fear for the safety of our criminals.  Even the most heinous among them do not deserve the unimaginable pain of a Steven Seagal beating.  That’s why I put together this short instructional video to teach criminals how to avoid common the pitfalls of Seagal antagonists.

The chalk outlline coincidentally looked like a giant porterhouse

Scientists speculate the herds are being spooked by strings of thunderstorms, but we think there are any number of other more likely hypotheses for the cows’ dramatic demise:

* Inability to endure the strain of waiting for McDonalds to re-release the McRib

* Demonstrating their solidarity with the marginalized nomads of Borneo, now on the verge of extinction due to logging industry excesses.  Don’t let cows’ placid nature fool you – they’re revolutionaries to the core.

* Lacking the opposable thumbs to write bad poetry after a miserable breakup, this was their only escape

* A spirited, drunken celebration of the anniversary of Jonestown that took a turn for the worse

* One particularly sinister cow told the others that Disney was filming a nature documentary and this was their big chance at immortality.

* Lax science standards in Switzerland gave the cows’ a deficient understanding of evolution, leading to this poorly executed attempt to gain their species flight.

* One cool cow did it, and now everybody else has to for fear of being called “chicken”.

Though any of those could be the culprit, Atom’s surveilance tapes did manage to catch this footage prior to the incident:

Yes, the Alps are coastal.  No, YOU suck at Geography.

Luckily our CSI team was able to enhance that image without any degradation whatsoever, because that’s how science works:

It’s suddenly all too clear…