Obama’s superfans are now living the dream. The electorate (or at least the 12 individuals of it that answered the pollster’s questions) has been electrified by the democratic presidential nominee. Whether it’s the raw power of his shimmering smile (now energizing all solar panels in reach of his latest stump speech) or simply not being McCain, Obama could have this one in the bag. There’s absolutely no reason he shouldn’t just cruise on his superior numbers right into office, just like his fellow democrats Gore and Kerry did. Oops.
Like it not, Obama if wishes to take this election he’ll need to ride this campaign hard and put it away wet. HIs biggest liability is what he launched his bid for president with - the agenda of change. It turns out that McCain’s advisors have been tracking surveys that suggest the American public are somehow intrigued by fresh ideas like not having the economy implode and evading intractable war and, accordingly, Team Maverick has likewise latched on to the platform of change. They’ve been illustrating themselves as vastly change-ier than Obama at every opportunity:
Obama needs to neutralize McCain’s strengths and propose reform so bold he can win the arms race for change. For his convenience, I have developed a 3 point plan to accomplish just that.
STEP 1: Pimp My Economy
For
the unfamiliar, economics is the study of how we trade ornate pieces of paper for jacuzzis, Cheez-Its, hookers, and…well, that generally covers what I need. Somewhere along the line it got more complicated with debit hooker spending, leaving America with a Cheez-It deficit. If that’s confusing don’t fret - absolutely no one understands it. In fact, it took our greatest financial geniuses to create this clusterfuck. Therefore it is perfectly logical that Obama needs to introduce someone profoundly retarded to fix it (insert your own cheap shot on Sarah Palin here).
Given the gravity of the situation, we couldn’t settle for anything less than a Village Idiot born as the lovechild of Cletus The Slack Jawed Yokel and Sherri “A+ In Dark Ages Geography“ Shepherd from The View. After a few years of it being exclusively fed lead-based paint chips, it would be primed to take charge. Someone like that wouldn’t be afraid to make bold policy changes like abandoning the gold standard for a currency backed by vintage He-Man characters and cat turds:
With a plan like this, you’re not “cleaning the litterbox”, you’re “prospecting”!
STEP 2: Baracky, Get Your Gun
McCain has long been waving the banner of experience over his campaign. The man has a legitimate point - his colon has polyps older than Obama (as well as fragments of a hoagie that dates back to Pangea). However, political experience can be dismissed with a political response. Obama is only one charming grin and witticism away from taking most of the steam out of that:
“Remember, my fellow Americans, with great experience comes truly funky Old Man Balls.”
There is a silver bullet in the “experience” arsenal, though. McCain served his country with military distinction, both in action and his capture. McCain endured 6 years living in a septic asshole of a Vietnamese P.O.W. camp, surviving on a diet of bugs, rainwater, and unbridled gumption.
Science later attributed his fortitude to a pituitary growth that caused over-production of the Fuckyoutropin hormone (now being synthesized by Pfizer Pharmaceuticals for their new drug Rambocil:
Obama can’t touch that. At least, not yet.
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Obama may not have time to whip up a military career before election day, but that isn’t necessary. All he needs is one good story, a chance to prove he’s all the patriot that McCain is. That’s why we’re deploying him to Vietnam.
When he’s done, they’ll be calling it Ovietnama, bitches
It’s the ultimate win/win. The odds of them being prepared for his one-man minigun assault is slim to none. He’ll maximize carnage and minimize personal danger, provided his assault doesn’t span more than 2 to 3 minutes. Sure, it would be more relevant to send him to the Middle East, but if he has ever voted against anything for the war it could be spun as the most violent flip-flop in congressional history. Most importantly, he could go on the record as doing it to AVENGE McCain. Just imagine how awkard the next debate would be when McCain is forced to acknowledge it with “Thank you for blowing up Vietnam, Obama.”
STEP 3: “Call me Barry”
Once Obama has negated McCain’s claims to reform and experience, the only liability left is being himself. There’s a large segment of the population who hear his Middle East derived name and naturally associate it with their prejudices. With that kind of marketing drain he might as well be named Jihad Kaboom Obama. But how can he change something that fundamental this late in the game? With a shitload of white-out and a few stickers for his campaign materials, that’s how:
I’m tinkin we got a winner here, begorah!
Ian Cheesman is from San Diego, California and is the the kind of blogger who would introduce his own name in bold. He will continue doing so until Rich Formatting provides an option for Soooo Bold.
His work can also be found at internetsensation.com.
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