Loading ...We live in meaty times. Courtesy of the internet and, by extension, utter lunacy, we are in a bacon renaissance. That spirit of innovation has evolved into culinary oneupsmanship as bacon is finding its way in to every possible consumable. It’s become a spreadable topping and yet the trend still hasn’t jumped the (bacon-wrapped) shark. To prove there is still room to innovate, I have even created bacon-wrapped bacon-wrapped Bacon:
This would have made Footloose watchable
Clearly anyone can just eat bacon (and judging by the rising incidence of heart disease, we have), but what else can we do with this miracle substrate?
Bacon Blowtorch
Some of my most cherished childhood memories come from my family’s big Sunday breakfasts. No matter how much mom yelled and ashed her cigarettes on us, we’d tightly cluster underfoot to get a whiff of the heavenly aromas from the stovetop. I remember one particular morning mom was apologizing for spilling her tequila on me when trying to brush me back and offered me first lick of the bacon pan in consolation. It was then that I learned bacon can be really, really, scaldingly, disfigurlingly hot.
The reason bacon is so reviled by dieters is that it is chock-full of chemical energy in the form of fat. That energy can either be digested and stored on your muffintop or burned off. One enterprising scientist decided to cut metabolism out of the equation and go directly to 5,000°F of bacon-plasma-powered combustion :
And I’d still eat it after he was done, duct tape and all. A little fiber is good for you, right?
Bacon Beverage
I’m a man of simple pleasures. Give me the occasional clear view of a sunset, a hug from a good friend or a unneccessarily extensive proctological and I’m all good. That’s how I know any perfect day is necessarily bookended with bacon.
First I rise at the crack of 11:45 to the smell of my bacon alarm clock. I perform the yoga stretches requisite for auto-fellatio and then head to the kitchen for a smoothie. Unfortunately, I have somehow forgotten to pick up milk, protein powder and fresh berries from the market for the 98th consecutive month, so I opt for a bloody mary instead. It may sound a bit degenerate, but when you consider it’s made with celery, tomato juice and bacon vodka, it’s essentially breakfast in a pint glass.
(It’s surprisingly easy to make and I can verify that it it is quite tasty when applied correctly. If it should happen to find its way into a Lemon Drop I can’t be held liable for the spasmodic dryheaves that will follow.)
After breakfast I change into my workout gear and go for a jog. I reach the driveway 3 seconds later and hop into my car. I head into work, weep quietly at my desk for 6.5 hours, and then nab a german bacon bier out of the cooler on the passenger seat as I tweak the key in the ignition.
* Deep-fried bacon straw not included
The day doesn’t technically end for a few more hours, but I can seldom recall the details beyond that point. Another perfect day!
Bacon Blaster
I’m no fool. When Obama got elected into office I knew what all knee-jerk conserative alarmists speculated – it was just a matter of time before he came for our guns. Most ran out to their nearest Wal-Mart to pick up as much commie-shredding ammo as the law would allow, but I knew that was a waste of time. You can always run out of bullets, but pigs are are a renewable resource. That’s why I had this commisioned:
The BA-K-47 is 1:1 scaled with the assault rifle for which it was named. It was forged over 8 hours with a blowtorch and Guinness Record-worthy set of testicles. This model doesn’t presently have the capacity to fire ammunition, but all combatants faced with it thus far have spontaneously surrendered in favor of dropping to their knees in worship. I’ve also been doing some beta testing on a possible enhancement I call The Bayconet:
Bacon Breath
Don’t you hate it when you’ve just polished off a delicious handful of bacon gummis only to get some wedged between your teeth? This would have never happened if you’d just stick to those bacon breath mints, but hindsight is worthless. Now you’ve got no resourse but to sully the remnants of that smoky, salty flavor with some minty abomination of a dental floss….or do you?
Should your bacon stores run low this can also be used to choke a pig
Of course, if you’re out and about on some sort of bacon pilgrimage, whipping out some floss isn’t exactly the most dignified option. What if you savor good oral hygeine but seek something with more James Dean style?
This wood has been soaked in 100% pig!
Now further imagine you’ve made it home, preparing for bed. Tones of succulent pork are still joyfully resonating on your palate, but oral hygiene necessitates you purge them. If only someone made bacon toothpaste, right?
Well, they don’t. That would be fucking nasty. What is it with you and bacon, anyway?
Ian Cheesman invites you to enjoy the salty and fatty writers over at scenicanemia.com
