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All right, team. We hardly ever ask you for anything real, but brace yourself. Get Schooled is a five-year education partnership between Viacom and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Tune in tonight at 8p / 7c to any MTV or BET channel in the United States to catch the documentary Get Schooled: You Have the Right, which features President Obama, Kelly Clarkson, and Lebron James.

Seriously, stay in school everyone.

Here’s why I want to be re-born as a black guy in Harlem some day…

Barack Obama, politician and occasional messiah, has finally graduated from Almost President But Not Quite.  Expectations of his arrival have not only been sky-high among liberals whining “But I want my Change NOOWWW!” but by the current administration as well.  Recently Bush, after being apprised on the tumult in Gaza, commented “Oh fuck me…what now?  Isn’t that other guy president yet?!”

The people’s thirst for more Obama-related news prior to the inauguration was unquenchable and the media dutifully delivered it.  They just weren’t letting the reality of him not doing dick get in the way.

Breaking News: Obama Eats Lunch!

In a dramatic move that has pundits abuzz, Obama has deemed it necessary to eat a meal in the middle of the day.  Fox News doesn’t know what this “lunch” business is about, but they’re pretty sure it has something to do with Obama’s ties to Al Qaeda.

“Inside sources suggest he will metabolize this meal and possibly defecate the remainder.  Updates to follow”

In fairness, this article was really about Obama eating in public, which certainly would be noteworthy to those in view.  It’s also news to his followers that previously believed he subsisted on the fanciful dreams of children while frolicking in Rainbow Land among the unicorns.

Breaking News: The Unofficial Cognac

Of The Inauguration Is Here!

Corporate America knows there is no better way to honor Obama’s message of hope and change than to co-opt it for profit.  That’s why Henessey is proud to announce the completely unsanctioned and probably unwelcomed “Official” cognac to celebrate the inauguration.

“Smooth, yet bold.  Just like a certain president-elect who won’t return our calls.”

My elite team of booze historians informed me that no cognac, Henessey or otherwise, has ever chosen a presidential candidate to associate themselves with.  I don’t know if that means Obama should be honored or if this is part of a clandestine conspiracy to have America equate Barack to SNL’s “Ladies Man”:

“Can I offer you some Courvoisier, Speaker Pelosi?”

Breaking News: Obama Has Opinion On Sports!
Until January 20th, 2009, Obama barely has the executive power to upgrade his cable tv service, let alone affect U.S. policy.  That hasn’t stopped him from sounding off on critical matters, such as better justifying college football rankings. In his words, “If I’m Utah, if I’m USC, or if I’m Texas, I may still have some quibbles. And you’ve heard my pitch. That’s why we need a playoff,” he said.

“What are you pussies in Florida afraid of anyway?”

In Obama’s defense, the college presidents’ best argument against a playoff system is “it would take the student-athletes away from their studies for an extended period.”  The time to be concerned with Mongo Slaughterson’s academics was probably before you lowered the SAT admission criteria for him and sent him off to the contusion factory.

Breaking News: Being President Is HARD!
As if a crumbling economy and fractured war efforts weren’t enough to haunt Obama, CNN has concerns that unsightly crows feet could likewise plague him in the near future.

Fearing Biden’s wandering eye, President Obama became the first leader of the free world to consider botox injections.

Rapid aging is commonplace with the stressful nature of this job.  To combat this phenomenon doctors prescribe adequate rest and regular exercise, but advise against a daily regiment of sloppy hummers from admiring junior staffers.   Despite blowjobs kicking the crap out of any multivitamin, that rejuvenation method hasn’t worked out well for Democrats historically.

Breaking News: A Black President Is Historically Relevant!
Vice President Cheney recently met with CNN news during a brief respite from taunting war orphans and choking endangered species.  In a show of graciousness that could only be described as offputting, Cheney begrudgingly acknowledged that a America’s first African-American president could be construed as history.

Don’t look directly into the smirk.  That’s how he steals your soul.

This unexpected praise, or restatement of the patently obvious, floored Blitzer.  At least that’s what Cheney told authorities later when found hunkering over the corpse, greedily devouring Blitzer’s heart.  He hates to see good meat go to waste, you see.

Ian Cheesman is astounded by how well Clinton-era BJ humor still works.  It’s a legacy all humorists cherish – thanks, Bill.  For more jokes about orally servicing world leaders, please visit internetsensation.com.

Krayon recaps the Golden Globes, talks about Obama’s pimp new ride, and explains how we can all enjoy younger looking armpits. Get into it!

History was made today, as America inaugurated her very first non-Morgan-Freeman black president, and the sense of optimism in the air is palpable. But it is that same optimistic air that could well poison this presidency before it even gets off the ground. It’s a classic pitfall: In order to win the race, Obama had to create a hype machine so powerful that it could overcome not only political bias, but inherent prejudice as well, (his advertising team literally had to out-market racism, and racism was an already established household brand, like the Sara Lee of hating minorities.)

First, don’t shy away from repeating campaign promises in your speeches, but do repeat them in a sarcastic tone. This will let you be in on the joke that is the ridiculously high bar set for you. Try saying something like:

“I have promised that we will end the war in Iraq post-haste, and we will… we’ll just bring those troops right home on the magical rainbow puppy bridge!”

Second, always offer up a high five to your introducer, making absolutely sure that he or she does not reciprocate. Nobody will hold the attempted five against you, but the mixture of pity and awkwardness that pervades being ‘left hanging,’ will work strongly in your favor when you fail to turn the national deficit into a flock of beautiful doves that fly away into the pollution-free sunset.

Third, be sure to pepper all speeches with blame-shifting reminders. Refresh everybody’s memory about how all of the trials currently facing your presidency were set up by the previous administration. This shouldn’t be too hard, seeing as how the last administration stopped just shy of accidentally killing a unicorn and bringing on eternal night in their progressively epic fuck-ups.

Finally, always wear sunglasses. You know you look damn good in sunglasses, Mr. President. You look like Black Neo from the Political Matrix – use it. People will forgive virtually any mistake made by a good-lookin’ man in power. Just look at the last guy: If Bush didn’t have that “aw, shucks,” smile and those Clint-Eastwood-haggard good looks, well, you wouldn’t be so fucked coming into your own presidency, would you? I mean, look at Nixon – that guy looked like a cross between The Penguin and some buttcheeks, and he got called out on everything.

You?

You’re like the black Don Draper. You keep lookin’ good, and when some of your promises fall short despite your best efforts, the American public will shrug and say “Universal Health what now? I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention; I was too busy watching President Dimples woo the Press Corps by shredding the rad.”

Read more from Robert at his own website, I Fight Robots, where you can puzzle over more hopeleslly outdated slang like “gleaming the cube,” and “bodacious.”

Being a high profile member of the elite internet press has its advantages. While most will have to wait January 2009 to hear Obama’s inaugural speech, I have received an advance copy from an anonymous source calling themselves "Arl-Kay Ove-Ray". It’s becoming clear to me that maybe we should have listened a bit closer to McCain while we had the chance…

My Friends and Comrades, let me begin by thanking the people who brought us here today. First and foremost, the many campaign volunteers who so diligently carried our message of change and provided offerings to our regional campaign altars.

"He will bring you tax cuts. And allow you to finally hit that elusive curveball"

Speaking of volunteers, our work would never have been possible without the contributions of ACORN. Their tireless canvassing encouraged all citizens, legal or not, to vote early and often. The energy and positivity they exhibited motivated voters that other parties would ordinarily dismiss.

Most importantly, I want to thank the millions of voters who came out and supported our platform of unilateral, unquestioned change. And let me tell you – change is COMING.

When I was out on the campaign trail I felt such a sense of community while socializing with Americans. You could tell that everyone desired to commune with one another. There was so much excitement for communing around common hopes and sharing ourselves socially. It became clear to me that Americans wanted nothing more than to share social ideals communally, if you catch my drift. If not, the newest addition to our staff, "Joe The Proletariat", will be available to the press to explain some of my new policies shortly.

Tax cuts would soon be the least of Joe’s worries

Sometimes to affect sweeping change we must begin with basic, even cosmetic, changes.  That’s why I am proud to announce my redesign of the American flag. My inspiration was that we were no longer an assembly of 13 colonies or 50 states, but a unified people. As such, I changed the stripes to be red and red and consolidated all of those stars down to one. I even added a smile off to the side just like I’ve seen while Instant Messaging with Bill Ayers:

Many of you may note its uncanny resemblance to the Nation Of Islam’s flag, but it’s vastly different.  It is a little known fact that the cells that compose the eye have a heavy conservative bias and they are resisting change with all their might.  Don’t trouble yourself with the aesthetic – this is change and change is good, right? Speaking of "change", the latest run of coinage from the U.S. mint all had the same bizarre typo of "In Allah We Trust" on it. We’re looking into it. 

I don’t wish to ruin ALL of the surprises my presidency has planned, so let me conclude by saying that I thank all of my supporters across Mother America. Your compliance has been noted and appreciated.

Ian Cheesman would like to take this moment to urge all of you to go out and exercise your right to vote yesterday.  Allowing trivialities like time travel to come between you and your civic responsibilities is nothing but COMMIE talk.