In between saying “sext” waaaay too many times this week, I’ve been playing this game a bunch, and I have to say, it’s fun, if incredibly difficult. And there are some messed up special moves. To help you get a handle on, you know, life, here’s a breakdown of the matchups.

David Letterman vs Sarah Palin
Back in June, when Sarah Palin was visiting New York, and David Letterman (boy, he was going to have a weird year, right?) straight up made fun of her! And she got pissed. When People Magazine calls something a war, it is definitely a war.

Perez Hilton vs Nadya Suleman (that is to say: Octomom)
Guys, Perez Hilton is mad mean, right guys? Do you remember in May when Perez said Octomom said something stupid? What nerve!

Jon Gosselin vs Kate Gosselin
It is probably unncessarily to explain this one, but Jon and Kate’s relationship has undergone the most entertaining public meltdown of 2009. From treacly reality show to public indignity after public indignity, these two have really earned their place in Celebrity Kung-Fu.

Kanye West vs Glenn Beck
Let’s be real. Lotta people are mad at Kanye. Not us. But other people. Including one Glennn Beck (the extra N is for Nice), sounding off on Kanye’s VMA indiscretion.

Barack Obama vs Lady Gaga
At the Human Rights Campaign Dinner this October, some dude called Barack Obama got to open for popular music superstar Lady GaGa. Which would be relatively cool, for a non-leader-of-the-free-world kind of guy, but for Obama, you know this has got to sting a little bit.

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So get ready to rumble! That is what they say before fights! You should probably go play Celebrity Kung-Fu!

Did you guys have a pleasant and normal Thanksgiving weekend? Mine was definitely regular. It was so regular I called it “Tiger,” because when I do normal, usual things I am being just like Tiger Woods.  You know what I mean? For example: I ate a bunch of turkey with the family, had some drinks, then got into an argument with my dad. You know how that can be, right? There’s just something about reuniting family combined with too many cooks in the kitchen (literally) and alcohol that tends to lead to little spats!

In fact, it got so crazy that my dad used his finger nails to slap and scratch the living shit out of my face. I wanted to let him cool off, because that is almost out of line, so I got in my car and proceeded to wrap it around a fucking tree four inches from my front door. I know what you’re saying! “You are a terrible driver, Max.” But it’s hard to pay attention to the road when my dad, who is a former model and nanny, is cracking the dick off the rear window with one of my thirty thousand dollar golf clubs! Anyway, just another Tiger holiday.

Oh wait, whoops, I was wearing my brain upside down! I meant the reverse. This is bananas. What happened here? A private matter between him, his family, and a fire hydrant? Tiger is usually so good at not being in the tabloids and just cashing his one billion dollar endorsement checks at the giant space bank on the dark side of the moon only rich people know about, but now there is talks of affairs and all sorts of other nonsense. Yikes, dawg. You should keep a tiny car in your house that you can drive into a wall when your wife is mad so cops don’t have to find out. Next time, I guess! Next time she chases after you with golf clubs to rescue your face from not getting hit with golf clubs or whatever.

Let’s check in and see what the Tubeheads had to say about this insane news story and what Tiger should do about it.

Pros and cons here, brotherhood302. On the hand, if you are referring to his wife as this white devil, you kind of have a point! Emphasis on the “kind of.” I bet she’s been fingering those golf clubs for years, plotting, just waiting for an excuse to cave in a window with them. Even though he gets the clubs for free and probably makes enough in one hour just sitting around collecting interest to buy a new car.

On the other hand, I don’t know if his only real mistakeswas not being white. That’s a pretty big mistake! His dad seemed like a really good coach and I feel like he would have worked with Tiger on that one if it was a big deal. But leave America?? (Babylon.)

Well look here, DiamondsnGold4p, no one is innocent in this situation. But I am not sure what Elin did is comparable to what Chris Brown did. I’m almost positive it’s not? Not to sound sexist, but she banged on her husband’s car with a golf club. Chris Brown literally pummeled his girlfriend with fists! Tiger was in and out of the hospital in a few hours, and we still aren’t sure what his injuries were.

Though to be fair, in the first few hours after this story broke, my friend Jenny’s grandmother told the whole family that she’d heard Tiger Woods was in critical condition and going to die. In that case, I agree that Elin should be treated the same as Chris Brown, and what I mean is that she should not be allowed to perform at the BET Awards.

Case closed!

Seriously, stay in school everyone.

Also, while you’re learning how to Get SChooled (see what I did there?), learn how to win a $1,000 scholarship for your viral video from the Department of Education’s I Am What I Learn Video Contest. That’s right, President Obama is asking for your viral videos. Just remember to keep it clean, unlike this classic video from Landline:

Lucid Films Presents – The Stimulus Package

The people’s thirst for more Obama-related news prior to the inauguration was unquenchable and the media dutifully delivered it.  They just weren’t letting the reality of him not doing dick get in the way.

Breaking News: Obama Eats Lunch!

In a dramatic move that has pundits abuzz, Obama has deemed it necessary to eat a meal in the middle of the day.  Fox News doesn’t know what this “lunch” business is about, but they’re pretty sure it has something to do with Obama’s ties to Al Qaeda.

“Inside sources suggest he will metabolize this meal and possibly defecate the remainder.  Updates to follow”

In fairness, this article was really about Obama eating in public, which certainly would be noteworthy to those in view.  It’s also news to his followers that previously believed he subsisted on the fanciful dreams of children while frolicking in Rainbow Land among the unicorns.

Breaking News: The Unofficial Cognac

Of The Inauguration Is Here!

Corporate America knows there is no better way to honor Obama’s message of hope and change than to co-opt it for profit.  That’s why Henessey is proud to announce the completely unsanctioned and probably unwelcomed “Official” cognac to celebrate the inauguration.

“Smooth, yet bold.  Just like a certain president-elect who won’t return our calls.”

My elite team of booze historians informed me that no cognac, Henessey or otherwise, has ever chosen a presidential candidate to associate themselves with.  I don’t know if that means Obama should be honored or if this is part of a clandestine conspiracy to have America equate Barack to SNL’s “Ladies Man”:

“Can I offer you some Courvoisier, Speaker Pelosi?”

Breaking News: Obama Has Opinion On Sports!
Until January 20th, 2009, Obama barely has the executive power to upgrade his cable tv service, let alone affect U.S. policy.  That hasn’t stopped him from sounding off on critical matters, such as better justifying college football rankings. In his words, “If I’m Utah, if I’m USC, or if I’m Texas, I may still have some quibbles. And you’ve heard my pitch. That’s why we need a playoff,” he said.

“What are you pussies in Florida afraid of anyway?”

In Obama’s defense, the college presidents’ best argument against a playoff system is “it would take the student-athletes away from their studies for an extended period.”  The time to be concerned with Mongo Slaughterson’s academics was probably before you lowered the SAT admission criteria for him and sent him off to the contusion factory.

Breaking News: Being President Is HARD!
As if a crumbling economy and fractured war efforts weren’t enough to haunt Obama, CNN has concerns that unsightly crows feet could likewise plague him in the near future.

Fearing Biden’s wandering eye, President Obama became the first leader of the free world to consider botox injections.

Rapid aging is commonplace with the stressful nature of this job.  To combat this phenomenon doctors prescribe adequate rest and regular exercise, but advise against a daily regiment of sloppy hummers from admiring junior staffers.   Despite blowjobs kicking the crap out of any multivitamin, that rejuvenation method hasn’t worked out well for Democrats historically.

Breaking News: A Black President Is Historically Relevant!
Vice President Cheney recently met with CNN news during a brief respite from taunting war orphans and choking endangered species.  In a show of graciousness that could only be described as offputting, Cheney begrudgingly acknowledged that a America’s first African-American president could be construed as history.

Don’t look directly into the smirk.  That’s how he steals your soul.

This unexpected praise, or restatement of the patently obvious, floored Blitzer.  At least that’s what Cheney told authorities later when found hunkering over the corpse, greedily devouring Blitzer’s heart.  He hates to see good meat go to waste, you see.

Ian Cheesman is astounded by how well Clinton-era BJ humor still works.  It’s a legacy all humorists cherish – thanks, Bill.  For more jokes about orally servicing world leaders, please visit internetsensation.com.

First, don’t shy away from repeating campaign promises in your speeches, but do repeat them in a sarcastic tone. This will let you be in on the joke that is the ridiculously high bar set for you. Try saying something like:

“I have promised that we will end the war in Iraq post-haste, and we will… we’ll just bring those troops right home on the magical rainbow puppy bridge!”

Second, always offer up a high five to your introducer, making absolutely sure that he or she does not reciprocate. Nobody will hold the attempted five against you, but the mixture of pity and awkwardness that pervades being ‘left hanging,’ will work strongly in your favor when you fail to turn the national deficit into a flock of beautiful doves that fly away into the pollution-free sunset.

Third, be sure to pepper all speeches with blame-shifting reminders. Refresh everybody’s memory about how all of the trials currently facing your presidency were set up by the previous administration. This shouldn’t be too hard, seeing as how the last administration stopped just shy of accidentally killing a unicorn and bringing on eternal night in their progressively epic fuck-ups.

Finally, always wear sunglasses. You know you look damn good in sunglasses, Mr. President. You look like Black Neo from the Political Matrix – use it. People will forgive virtually any mistake made by a good-lookin’ man in power. Just look at the last guy: If Bush didn’t have that “aw, shucks,” smile and those Clint-Eastwood-haggard good looks, well, you wouldn’t be so fucked coming into your own presidency, would you? I mean, look at Nixon – that guy looked like a cross between The Penguin and some buttcheeks, and he got called out on everything.

You?

You’re like the black Don Draper. You keep lookin’ good, and when some of your promises fall short despite your best efforts, the American public will shrug and say “Universal Health what now? I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention; I was too busy watching President Dimples woo the Press Corps by shredding the rad.”

Read more from Robert at his own website, I Fight Robots, where you can puzzle over more hopeleslly outdated slang like “gleaming the cube,” and “bodacious.”

My Friends and Comrades, let me begin by thanking the people who brought us here today. First and foremost, the many campaign volunteers who so diligently carried our message of change and provided offerings to our regional campaign altars.

"He will bring you tax cuts. And allow you to finally hit that elusive curveball"

Speaking of volunteers, our work would never have been possible without the contributions of ACORN. Their tireless canvassing encouraged all citizens, legal or not, to vote early and often. The energy and positivity they exhibited motivated voters that other parties would ordinarily dismiss.

Most importantly, I want to thank the millions of voters who came out and supported our platform of unilateral, unquestioned change. And let me tell you – change is COMING.

When I was out on the campaign trail I felt such a sense of community while socializing with Americans. You could tell that everyone desired to commune with one another. There was so much excitement for communing around common hopes and sharing ourselves socially. It became clear to me that Americans wanted nothing more than to share social ideals communally, if you catch my drift. If not, the newest addition to our staff, "Joe The Proletariat", will be available to the press to explain some of my new policies shortly.

Tax cuts would soon be the least of Joe’s worries

Sometimes to affect sweeping change we must begin with basic, even cosmetic, changes.  That’s why I am proud to announce my redesign of the American flag. My inspiration was that we were no longer an assembly of 13 colonies or 50 states, but a unified people. As such, I changed the stripes to be red and red and consolidated all of those stars down to one. I even added a smile off to the side just like I’ve seen while Instant Messaging with Bill Ayers:

Many of you may note its uncanny resemblance to the Nation Of Islam’s flag, but it’s vastly different.  It is a little known fact that the cells that compose the eye have a heavy conservative bias and they are resisting change with all their might.  Don’t trouble yourself with the aesthetic – this is change and change is good, right? Speaking of "change", the latest run of coinage from the U.S. mint all had the same bizarre typo of "In Allah We Trust" on it. We’re looking into it. 

I don’t wish to ruin ALL of the surprises my presidency has planned, so let me conclude by saying that I thank all of my supporters across Mother America. Your compliance has been noted and appreciated.

Ian Cheesman would like to take this moment to urge all of you to go out and exercise your right to vote yesterday.  Allowing trivialities like time travel to come between you and your civic responsibilities is nothing but COMMIE talk.

Obama’s superfans are now living the dream.  The electorate (or at least the 12 individuals of it that answered the pollster’s questions) has been electrified by the democratic presidential nominee.  Whether it’s the raw power of his shimmering smile (now energizing all solar panels in reach of his latest stump speech) or simply not being McCain, Obama could have this one in the bag.  There’s absolutely no reason he shouldn’t just cruise on his superior numbers right into office, just like his fellow democrats Gore and Kerry did.  Oops.

Like it not, Obama if wishes to take this election he’ll need to ride this campaign hard and put it away wet.  HIs biggest liability is what he launched his bid for president with - the agenda of change.  It turns out that McCain’s advisors have been tracking surveys that suggest the American public are somehow intrigued by fresh ideas like not having the economy implode and evading intractable war and, accordingly, Team Maverick has likewise latched on to the platform of change.  They’ve been illustrating themselves as vastly change-ier than Obama at every opportunity:

Obama needs to neutralize McCain’s strengths and propose reform so bold he can win the arms race for change. For his convenience, I have developed a 3 point plan to accomplish just that.

STEP 1: Pimp My Economy

With a plan like this, you’re not “cleaning the litterbox”, you’re “prospecting”!

STEP 2: Baracky, Get Your Gun

McCain has long been waving the banner of experience over his campaign.  The man has a legitimate point - his colon has polyps older than Obama (as well as fragments of a hoagie that dates back to Pangea).  However, political experience can be dismissed with a political response.  Obama is only one charming grin and witticism away from taking most of the steam out of that:

“Remember, my fellow Americans, with great experience comes truly funky Old Man Balls.”

There is a silver bullet in the “experience” arsenal, though.  McCain served his country with military distinction, both in action and his capture.  McCain endured 6 years living in a septic asshole of a Vietnamese P.O.W. camp, surviving on a diet of bugs, rainwater, and unbridled gumption.

Science later attributed his fortitude to a pituitary growth that caused over-production of the Fuckyoutropin hormone (now being synthesized by Pfizer Pharmaceuticals for their new drug Rambocil:

Obama can’t touch that.  At least, not yet.
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Obama may not have time to whip up a military career before election day, but that isn’t necessary.  All he needs is one good story, a chance to prove he’s all the patriot that McCain is.  That’s why we’re deploying him to Vietnam.

When he’s done, they’ll be calling it Ovietnama, bitches

It’s the ultimate win/win.  The odds of them being prepared for his one-man minigun assault is slim to none.  He’ll maximize carnage and minimize personal danger, provided his assault doesn’t span more than 2 to 3 minutes.  Sure, it would be more relevant to send him to the Middle East, but if he has ever voted against anything for the war it could be spun as the most violent flip-flop in congressional history.  Most importantly, he could go on the record as doing it to AVENGE McCain.  Just imagine how awkard the next debate would be when McCain is forced to acknowledge it with “Thank you for blowing up Vietnam, Obama.”

STEP 3: “Call me Barry”

Once Obama has negated McCain’s claims to reform and experience, the only liability left is being himself.  There’s a large segment of the population who hear his Middle East derived name and naturally associate it with their prejudices.  With that kind of marketing drain he might as well be named Jihad Kaboom Obama.  But how can he change something that fundamental this late in the game?  With a shitload of white-out and a few stickers for his campaign materials, that’s how:

I’m tinkin we got a winner here, begorah!

Ian Cheesman is from San Diego, California and is the the kind of blogger who would introduce his own name in bold.  He will continue doing so until Rich Formatting provides an option for Soooo Bold.

His work can also be found at internetsensation.com.