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The World’s Greatest Beer Names (Part 2)

Ian Cheesman — Mon, 04 May 2009 22:44:31 +0000

(Enjoy a tall, frosty mug of Part 1 here)

What started out as a quick inventory of amusing beer names unexpectedly took the tone of an award show for beers. All it’s missing is hackneyed banter between presenters and excrutiating, tearful acceptance speeches:

“Seriously, you guys, this pils is sofa king good!”

We still have more Sloshies™ to get through, so lets keep the show rolling.

Krunkest

People enjoy beer for lots of reasons. Some are fans of its propensity to bloat and cause torrential urination. Many relish the pungent farts that follow an aggressive IPA. But did you know a less celebrated side-effect of beer drinking is intoxication? It’s true!

Rather than focus on worthless dimensions like taste, these breweries embraced the desire to drag your sobriety into a dark alley and give it a lead pipe massage.

Old Horizontal Barley Wine – This image of a slumbering moon is strangely endearing for something as potent as a barley wine:

….until you realize it’s in a fucking coma.

Cold Cock Winter Porter – I’ll award it +5 points for the witty placement of “cold cock” on a winter beer. -4 points for not having the courage to put a chill-shrunken penis on the label.
La Fin Du Monde – You might think a beer that translates to “The End of the World” wouldn’t be able to back up such a bold claim. In truth, the beer isn’t that strong. But the brewers do assasinate all those who drink it.
Tripel Vision – A tripel is a belgian classification for the strongest ale they make. It is also referred to as a “superbier”, if that helps add some color. In short, consider yourself lucky you don’t go blind.
McQuire’s I’ll Have What The Gentleman On The Floor Is Having Barley Wine – McQuire’s secret ingredient? Love. (Just kidding. It’s Rohypnol).
Ruination IPA - This is supposed to be a reference to the toll it takes on your sobriety, but it’s really a warning about how the hop profile of this beer will rape your palatte with a rake.
THE WINNER: DUIPA

Playing on driving under the influence isn’t the classiest thing in the world, but it’s certainly more PC than their last version of the label:

Most Mysogynistic

Beer, for all of its richness and complexity, isn’t really seen as a sophisticated beverage in most circles. If only more abusive drunks chose to get tore up on champagne rather than Pabst Blue Ribbon, it might improve its reputation a bit.

“You know how he gets if his Dom isn’t chilled to 46°F precisely!”

The fact is that beer is the gatorade of wife beaters, a tradition that these microbrews happily support.

Mad Bitch – You can tell the brewer was actually somewhat gentlemanly, since they chose to focus on the bitch’s instability rather than just being fugly. That’s class.

Palimony Bitter – This is the beer of choice in the Maury green room.

Alimony Ale – If you pay special attention to the aromatics in this brew, you’ll catch hints of citrus and shattered dreams.

THE WINNER: Polygamy Porter
I think the label says it all quite succinctly:

Most Bravado

Not all beers are created equal. Some are content to hint at their superiority with subtle descriptions of exotic hops and robust flavor. These prefer to don their letterman jacket, hoist up lesser beers by their tighty-whiteys and hurl them into the recycling bin.

Skull Splitter – This beer is so metal that it not only has an axe-wielding viking on the label, but it actually tastes like umlauts.

Skull Splitter – It’s Nordic For Hangöver

Arrogant Bastard Ale – No matter how many times your tongue gets mistreated by this beer, it will always come back for more. This speaks to how tasty it is and how abysmal your tongue’s self-esteem is.
Old Viscosity Ale – You know a stout isn’t fucking around when it uses 10-30W motor oil as a standard of comparison.

THE WINNER: None.

All of these pale in comparison to my own personal microbrew:

It’s not just marketing hype either. Using recombinant DNA from my liver I have developed miniature sharks which live in each bottle. We’re still working on the pitchfork nose, drinkability be damned:

Honorable Mention

Old Leghumper – Unless this is referring to my Gramps when he’s off his meds, this is very funny to me.
Monkey Knife Fight - I don’t know what this beer looks or tastes like, but I’ve decided it’s my favorite. The name just commands that kind of respect.
Not Tonight Honey Porter – I’m glad Heartland Brewery no longer offers this. Beer may not be the hottest date, but at least you know it will always say yes.
Happy Ending – You might think this is a play on the rich, lingering finish this stout provides, but there’s actually a coupon for a free handjob on every bottle.
Fancy Lawnmower – The Texas brewer’s lovesong to Hank Hill and shriners everywhere.

Ian Cheesman thanks beerlabels.com again for all of their support in researching this article. You guys are like the Bartles & Jaymes of beer, except you’re not all gay for each other like those old dudes were. I think.

The World’s Greatest Beer Names (Part 1)

Ian Cheesman — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 22:46:30 +0000

Somewhere around 8000 years ago the Sumerians brewed the first beer. They also inadvertently invented beer-goggles, unleashing a flood of indiscriminate sex that quickly justified the region’s moniker of The Fertile Crescent. Beer likewise impressed the Egyptians, who even captured it in their written history. Some contend Egyptians actually created the beer closest to our contemporary version, but there is no disputing they invented civilization’s first keg stand:

Hit that shit, Pharaoh!

Not only is beer present in every emergent culture, beer historians (my most coveted career next to stuntcock) argue it is the midwife of civilization itself. Beer is accordingly entitled to some bravado, a sentiment echoed by modern brewers when naming their creations. Here are some of the names that remind us that beer is the anchor of society and not just another breakfast drink.

If you’re out of cereal, a second beer will suffice

Most Clever

The best part of any brewmaster’s job would have to be quality assurance. On tasting days I’d be lucky to have the wherewithal to change my dribble bib, let alone harness the remaining sober brain cells to conjure up names like these:

Hoptical Illusion – A play on the intoxicant’s liberal application of hops as a flavor agent. If that wasn’t apparent to you, perhaps you should go check out the Top Ten Juicy Juice Flavors For Stupid Farty Little Babies.
Raisin d’etre – Named for the raisins used in the brewing of this Belgian Strong Ale. You’re right to dry-heave reflexively, but the Dogfish Head brewery could make a delicious stout out of chicory and turds if so inclined.
Immort Ale – Best when served at room temperature from the Holy Grail.
Erin Go Braless – For the non-Irish out there (read: jagoffs), this is a play on the anglicized Gaelic assertion of “Ireland Forever”, only wishing said eternity for boobs. It’s properly pronounced ɛrɪn ɡə ˈbrɔless, if that helps.

THE WINNER: Reeb Beer
For the few of you that haven’t solved this cryptex, the name comes from “beer” spelled backwards. It may not seem all that creative on the surface, but the difficulty on that puzzle is precision-tuned to be just barely within the grasp of someone who is completely trashed (not unlike the rebuses under Lucky Lager caps).

Reeb Beer – So Brilliant It’s Moronic

Least Appetizing

Given the alpha male demographic that beer caters to, it’s not surprising standard rules of propriety don’t apply to its marketing. That said, most advertising firms probably assume they’re being fucked with when tasked with launching a campaign for these:

Old Pecker – Someone finally found a way to trump the foulness of “Brand new, shiny pecker beer”.

Moose Drool – In fairness, of the many fluids that can originate from moose, drool is probably the most palatable

Brise Bon-Bons! (Ball-Breakers) – Men should put an embargo on this out of principle. After all that testosterone has done for developing beer commericals over the years this is simply uncalled for.

THE WINNER: Yellow Snow IPA

If this actually originated from yellow snow, it would be a profound execution of recycling in practice.

The ale may be pale, but your kidneys will make it look plenty vibrant

Most Religious

I tried to make sure all major religions were covered here, but for some reason muslim breweries weren’t very popular. Maybe they just don’t have web presences yet.

Note: despite what some liberal idolators say, the Obamanator is not a valid entry in this section.

My God…he DOES taste like change!

Ale Mary Full of Taste – A Denver Rock Bottom restaurant created this in honor of a papal visit many years back. The pope was so amused that he only condemned half of the employees to languish in purgatory.
ReJEWvinator – The He’brew brewery, makers of The Chosen Beer, parody themselves much more artfully than I could. They take all the fun out of being anti-semetic.
Back Hand of God Stout – It’s patterned after that taste you get in your mouth when God catches you watching tentacle-rape porn. He never expressly forbade it, but a quick pop in the mouth is a good reminder that he shouldn’t have to.

THE WINNER: Dark Lord Imperial Stout

Like there was ever any doubt I’d bat for my hometeam!

You can roast malts and coffee for beer, why not souls?

Cultural Reference-iest

These are near and dear to my heart. When a brewery uses a beer to make an homage it’s like being greeted with a secret joke among good friends (like my alcoholism).

Foothills Sexual Chocolate – A perfectly apropos selection for a beer as rich and potent as my black love. The reference is from the feature Coming To America, back when Eddie Murphy playing multiple roles in a movie was both novel and entertaining.
Hoptimus Prime – The kind and benevolent leader of all freedom-loving beers. Unlike his robotic cousin, however, he would kill Shia LeBouf the instant an opportunity was presented.
Golden Shower – If more beer names had names that had to be looked up at urbandictionary.com, I’d be a happier man. That’s why I’ve decided to start a brewery and bring my Hot Carl Hefeweizen to the people.

THE WINNER: Smooth Hoperator

This combines two of the most potent aphrodisiacs – alcohol and Sade. She may not rank among the glitterati of contemporary sex symbols, but an ad like this would have me buying it by the bushel:

I’ll show you the Sweetest Taboo. Hint: It’s my penis.

Ian Cheesman is excited to bring you the exciting conclusion of this excitingly excited entry next week. It’ll probably talk about beer. Many thanks to beerlabels.com for assisting my research and saving untold millions from drinking shitty beer.