Loading ...If there was one thing the ’90s were all about it was, inexplicably, anthropomorphized animals that were in some way “radical.” It all started with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but it quickly and rapidly devolved from there, until most children’s television was naught but horrifically mutated animals skateboarding on pizza. Here are the worst offenders:
Street Sharks
Street Sharks was a show about four idiots who went to meet their dad in an abandoned sewer because a man with an eyepatch who refers to people as “creatures” asked them to. Then he turned them into sharks, which came as a huge surprise to absolutely nobody. What was surprising, however, were the kickin’ abs he decided to mutate into them. But…why? Are sharks notorious for their washboard gut-muscles? Or better yet, how? My god, did he…did he isolate the gene for kickin’ abs?
I guess four idiots is a small price to pay for progress…
The intro to Street Sharks is notable for several reasons: First, its liberal use of the term “Jawsome!” which is either the best catchphrase ever, or the tragic result of a massively mutated shark face trying and tragically failing to speak like people. And second, please note the liberal use of the “exploding through walls” shot. Apparently contractors in the ‘90s were so extraordinarily shitty that drywall exploded like an old pinto everytime you bumped into a wall. Here’s how the marketing meeting for Street Sharks probably went:
Kirk: “We need a show to compete with Ninja Turtles.”
Alan: “Well, what’s scarier than ninjas and turtles?”
Bill: “Black dudes and sharks.”
Kirk: “…”
Bill: “No, seriously guys. It’ll work! Like, sharks combined with rough and tumble gang members!”
Alan: “Actually I think he’s got something there, but what will we call it?”
Kirk: “Ghetto Sharks?”
Alan: “Gang Sharks?”
Kirk: “Uh…Urban Sharks?”
Bill: “N*GGER SHARKS!”
Kirk: “Bill, honestly – do you need to see somebody? You’ve got some issues.”
Bill: “JAWSOME!”
Cowboys of Moo Mesa
The Cowboys of Moo Mesa dared to ask the question: What if cowboys were like…actual cows?
And the answer was: It’d be pretty much the same.
There was also a villainous bull, a “sexy” cow-damsel that the cowboys tussled over, and an adorable calf-boy sidekick for comic relief. So basically, it was Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom only…everybody was cows… and they were in the wild west and…okay, it’s not “basically” anything: It’s just a screwed up conglomeration of stolen ideas, laced with confused concepts, and swirled with a nauseating smidge of bestiality. But hey, if you learn anything from Cowboys of Moo Mesa, let it be this: The bad guy was a cow too. That means that some cows are sons of bitches, and it’s okay to eat them no matter what hippies say.
The Mighty Ducks
Do you remember America’s brief fascination with Emilio Estevez, skating based sports, and the virtues of a can-do attitude in the face of seemingly insurmountable difficulty? That all culminated in the feel-good hockey film, The Mighty Ducks, which was basically just a palette swap of The Bad News Bears starring the best Young Gun. The movie revolved around a jaded Emilio taking a team of misfit kids to the hockey championship, and it did so well they made a cartoon out of it!
Wait….what the fuck was that clip? What did that have to do with literally anything? The children are now genetically engineered duck-warriors… with cybersuits and laserswords? But…they still play hockey in between fighting aliens? This is what happens when you hand over script development to an insane foreigner whose only English words are “ducks” and “hockey,” then retranslate it back into English, and then shoehorn some aliens into there too for no particular reason.
But hey, as long as kids buy some thirty dollar Ducktrucks, it all works out, right?
Samurai Pizza Cats
Samurai Pizza Cats almost doesn’t belong here; the show was more of a parody of the ‘90s surge in television shows about surfing furries than a genuine effort. But still, there they are: Cybernetic Samurai cats who like pizza as much as they like wacky shenanigans. Much like the Power Rangers, this was originally a Japanese show that was given English voiceovers so terrible it was almost racist. However, unlike the Power Rangers, there is something very, very wrong with you if you find yourself wanting to fuck the pink one.
Extreme Dinosaurs
The Extreme Dinosaurs were both extreme and dinosaurs. There. You are now filled in on their epic backstory. Oh wait, they also fight the Reckless Raptors. You should probably know that too I suppose. Now, aside from beating up on Velociraptors with poor impulse control, the Extreme Dinosaurs also happened to have the best theme song in existence:
If you didn’t watch that video – out of concern for disrupting the work environment, a general lack of interest in cartoons, or just unbelievable laziness (you mean I have to click a whole separate button just to be passively shown images and sounds with no further effort required on my part? Fuck that!) – here’s what you missed out on: Anthropomorphic dinosaurs with god damn laser claws, a triceratops on a rocket surfboard, and the most passionate, heartfelt lyrics this side of Total Eclipse of the Heart.
Whoever performed the Extreme Dinosaurs themesong was not a bitter, jaded, failed musician phoning in commercial gigs just to pay the lease on his broken-down Saturn – no! This motherfucker believed that song. He believed in the Extreme Dinosaurs like they were the sons of God almighty risen from the grave just to ’shred the rad’ for our sins. Listen to the passion in his voice as he screams “Veloci-tossin’ to the max/They’ll fossilize ‘em in their tracks!” That shit ain’t even words, but one man out there believed in them so hard that he probably exploded his voicebox shouting them from the rooftops. If I had that kind of passion for literally anything I probably wouldn’t be making fun of cartoons on the internet, but then we can’t all be Extreme Dinosaurs balladeers.
…C-Can we?
Follow Robert on Twitter, on Facebook, or his own site, I Fight Robots. Or we can all just parasail with like some…fuckin…teenage pirahnas or something! Brilliant!
