For the uninitiated, “Porky Piggin it” is when you hang around the house pants-less (bonus points for wearing a bow tie, but not required). No doubt, it was inspired by the bow tied, coat wearing, cartoon pig. The Selwyn Brothers were compelled to release a rollicking music video this week on that very topic. But it got us thinking… Porky Pig was a bit of a pervert, no? And if porky pig managed to pass his exhibitionism off as children’s entertainment, which other cartoon characters got away with disguising their perverse antics as entertainment? After an afternoon of re-examined childhood atrocities, we bring to you 10 beloved cartoon characters who, in retrospect, are total pervs.

Porky Pig…

The originator of the single worst style around. As noted by the Selwyn’s, kicking it in nothing but a dress shirt is obviously incredibly relaxing, but the combination of no pants, collared shirt, and a bowtie is seriously, seriously just disgusting as hell.

Eeyore

So here’s the thing. I know it’s unkind to make fun of the mentally ill, and a donkey suffering from a very public case of the Chronic Depression’s certainly qualifies. On the other hand, my man rolls around in public on all fours, with some kind of nail or safety pin or something sticking out of his ass. I suppose you could argue that that’s what he uses to keep his tail attached to his body, but honestly, if a body part requires that kind of rather unorthodox surgery, you’re keeping it on for pleasure, not medical necessity. It should also be noted that he’s constantly badgering people to nail it to him, including children.

Prince Eric

Prince Eric could have had virtually any woman in the world. He was a handsome, rich prince who lived in a palace over looking the ocean. And he falls in love with an unobtainable, fish lady. Prince Eric owes Ursula a solid, because only dark magic could combine his lust for aquatic females with someone he could bring home to his parents.

Bugs Bunny

Ok, fine. It’s 2010. Cross dressing shouldn’t be a big deal anymore. It’s really the joy he finds in sexually manipulating a sad, bald hunter with a speech impediment that makes Bugs Bunny a real perv. Not the cross dressing alone. I mean it.

Pepe Le Pew

Pepe’s story is a sad case of misunderstanding and mistaken identity. He thinks he’s in love with a comely young skunk, but alas, she’s actually a cat with a misleading streak of white paint on her back. To the human viewer, it’s an honest mistake. We aren’t skunks, nor cats, and therefore the nuances that differentiate the two species are lost on us. Who doesn’t sympathize for these two star crossed lovers?

But let me ask you this? Would you be convinced by a monkey in a dress? No. no you would not.

Why not? Because, as a human, we easily, and intuitively recognize our own species, JUST LIKE A SKUNK WOULD. Pepe, I’m calling you out. You always know you’re chasing a cat around, and you LIKE IT. Pepe Le Pew is aggressively cavorting with unwilling cats on a regular basis, with the same old, recycled excuse.  Lock up your pets when Pepe-the-cat-rapist-Le-Pew is in town. He’s a French, stinky, pervert.

The Muppet Babies

Muppet babies provided a plethora of confusing feelings, but the most confounding of all, was their relationship with Nanny. No, we never see her face, but more importantly, we only see her feet, and all the Muppets fucking love it. The show is totally subjective, shot entirely from the point of view of the Muppets, and they never even bother to look upwards. Because they love feet. Feet, and role playing.

Just close your eyes/ and make believe/ and you can be anywhere

He-Man

Look, fighting evil is tough work. That sword is probably pretty heavy, and you definitely need to make sure your arms and legs aren’t constricted to maximize mobility. Sure. But He-Man drops into battle straight up wearing tighty-furries, red boots and a seriously jacked up little sword harness. Maybe it’s a belly vest? Hard to say, but I’m definitely saddened that my parents thought for a minute this was an ok way for me to spend weekday afternoons.

Sheldon

Ok, so Sheldon is a chicken that has hatched, but refuses to come out of the egg, and thus, his legs stick out and he navigates, I guess, via sonar or something. But basically, Sheldon is the chicken version of a guy who wears diapers around. Or a kid who refuses to leave his mom’s vagina. Either way, honestly pretty sick.

Mr. Peabody

So Mr. Peabody is this genius dog who’s invented a time machine so that he can convince young boys to be his ward and take weekend trips back in time. They traipse across the time stream in Peabody’s Wayback machine/molestation wagon, fucking with history. Think about it, Peabody’s attempt to impress young boys could have disrupted the space-time-continuum as we know it. Or did it?

Launchpad McQuack

Here are the rules in Duckburg:

Ducks don’t wear pants

Beagles do

It seems that for 99% of the population, this social contract is upheld. If you’ve got a natural, downy, set of feather Underoos covering you duck-bits, then why bother with pants? Uncle Scrooge can afford pants, and even he doesn’t wear them. So what on earth is Launchpad hiding?

An embarrassingly giant duck dick, that’s what.

that’s all folks!

Street Sharks

Street Sharks was a show about four idiots who went to meet their dad in an abandoned sewer because a man with an eyepatch who refers to people as “creatures” asked them to. Then he turned them into sharks, which came as a huge surprise to absolutely nobody. What was surprising, however, were the kickin’ abs he decided to mutate into them. But…why? Are sharks notorious for their washboard gut-muscles? Or better yet, how? My god, did he…did he isolate the gene for kickin’ abs?

I guess four idiots is a small price to pay for progress…

The intro to Street Sharks is notable for several reasons: First, its liberal use of the term “Jawsome!” which is either the best catchphrase ever, or the tragic result of a massively mutated shark face trying and tragically failing to speak like people. And second, please note the liberal use of the “exploding through walls” shot. Apparently contractors in the ‘90s were so extraordinarily shitty that drywall exploded like an old pinto everytime you bumped into a wall. Here’s how the marketing meeting for Street Sharks probably went:

Kirk: “We need a show to compete with Ninja Turtles.”

Alan: “Well, what’s scarier than ninjas and turtles?”

Bill: “Black dudes and sharks.”

Kirk: “…”

Bill: “No, seriously guys. It’ll work! Like, sharks combined with rough and tumble gang members!”

Alan: “Actually I think he’s got something there, but what will we call it?”

Kirk: “Ghetto Sharks?”

Alan: “Gang Sharks?”

Kirk: “Uh…Urban Sharks?”

Bill: “N*GGER SHARKS!”

Kirk: “Bill, honestly – do you need to see somebody? You’ve got some issues.”

Bill: “JAWSOME!”

Cowboys of Moo Mesa

The Cowboys of Moo Mesa dared to ask the question: What if cowboys were like…actual cows?

And the answer was: It’d be pretty much the same.

There was also a villainous bull, a “sexy” cow-damsel that the cowboys tussled over, and an adorable calf-boy sidekick for comic relief. So basically, it was Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom only…everybody was cows… and they were in the wild west and…okay, it’s not “basically” anything: It’s just a screwed up conglomeration of stolen ideas, laced with confused concepts, and swirled with a nauseating smidge of bestiality. But hey, if you learn anything from Cowboys of Moo Mesa, let it be this: The bad guy was a cow too. That means that some cows are sons of bitches, and it’s okay to eat them no matter what hippies say.

The Mighty Ducks

Do you remember America’s brief fascination with Emilio Estevez, skating based sports, and the virtues of a can-do attitude in the face of seemingly insurmountable difficulty? That all culminated in the feel-good hockey film, The Mighty Ducks, which was basically just a palette swap of The Bad News Bears starring the best Young Gun. The movie revolved around a jaded Emilio taking a team of misfit kids to the hockey championship, and it did so well they made a cartoon out of it!

Wait….what the fuck was that clip? What did that have to do with literally anything? The children are now genetically engineered duck-warriors… with cybersuits and laserswords? But…they still play hockey in between fighting aliens? This is what happens when you hand over script development to an insane foreigner whose only English words are “ducks” and “hockey,” then retranslate it back into English, and then shoehorn some aliens into there too for no particular reason.

But hey, as long as kids buy some thirty dollar Ducktrucks, it all works out, right?

Samurai Pizza Cats

Samurai Pizza Cats almost doesn’t belong here; the show was more of a parody of the ‘90s surge in television shows about surfing furries than a genuine effort. But still, there they are: Cybernetic Samurai cats who like pizza as much as they like wacky shenanigans. Much like the Power Rangers, this was originally a Japanese show that was given English voiceovers so terrible it was almost racist. However, unlike the Power Rangers, there is something very, very wrong with you if you find yourself wanting to fuck the pink one.

Extreme Dinosaurs

The Extreme Dinosaurs were both extreme and dinosaurs. There. You are now filled in on their epic backstory. Oh wait, they also fight the Reckless Raptors. You should probably know that too I suppose. Now, aside from beating up on Velociraptors with poor impulse control, the Extreme Dinosaurs also happened to have the best theme song in existence: