Apparently some Android named “Nexus One” wants to kill my iPhone. JK, you guys, Androids can’t kill anything, it’s not in their programming. Actually, Google is announcing their new phone, Nexus One, which is supposed to be great (and murder iPhones). Besides, announcing that you’re going to actually kill something at a giant, industry, tech conference in Las Vegas (CES)  would be pretttttty incriminating. Amirite?

Anyway. The Nexus One is going to do some cool techy stuff, or whatever, but it still doesn’t touch the Pi Phone. The Nexus One wasn’t made by God, after all.

The world’s largest consumer electronics tradeshow,

CES

, has drawn to close. All that is left in its wake are the hopes that Windows 7 won’t suck (it will) and the tattered bodies of exhausted gadget bloggers. It was the usual mix of edge technologies like pico projectors and pre-obsoleted

mp3 playing caps

and

hands-free cellphones

(for those somehow allergic to the bluetooth protocol):

Cell-Mate – Slightly More Dignified Than Duct-Taping It To Your Head

Despite CES’ reputation for trotting out important new technologies, precious little notice was shown to the single greatest piece of gadgetry since the onset of teledildonics.  It embodies a power so profound and mythic the mere mention of it convinced Hollywood to shit out three more George Lucas abortions in its name (the latest Indiana Jones flick not included, despite qualifying). The power of The Force is finally yours for the buying:

"The Force flows through me, like urine through my bedsheets."

In the Jedi tradition of training Padawan from youth, Uncle Milton Industries is paving the path for the next generation of wedgie recipients.  The Force Trainer uses a modified EEG technology to feedback brain signals to the base station allowing the wearer to manipulate the motion of a physical target.  Just by thinking "Natalie Portman is so hot.  I’d totally hit tha…did anyone else hear me fart?" your mind can harness the awesome power to move a ping pong ball and pretend to be hardwired to the cosmos.

There is no legitimate context for putting this here, other than unbridled heterosexuality.

It’s good to see the science has finally realized the full potential of EEG as a sci-fi plaything.  Should these ship with a complimentary vial of Midi-Chlorians, however, we could be dealing with an epidemic of Force-charged youth.  Imagine an entire generation of kids hopped up on high fructose corn syrup tapping into the all encompassing life-energy, only their sense of moderation wasn’t tenderly honed by Obi-Wan so much as GTA IV.  I’ve done the math and it isn’t pretty…:

  Note: This would only work if your parent isn’t Watto.  Somebody shoot me for knowing that.

That’s a Force push, not a Force shrink.  A Force shrink doesn’t even exist.  No, YOU suck at Photoshop!

Ian Cheesman has no Force powers to speak of, but don’t tell Natalie that.  You can read further proclamations of his love to her over at internet sensation dot com.