In celebration of, let’s face it, an exhaustingly eventful 2010, we at Atom are giving up our usual letters to Santa in favor of helping some of our favorite people of 2010 with their holiday wish lists. For the next twelve days we’ll have a brand new gift guide to help you shop for your favorite celebrity or pop culture phenomenon.

So there are these two guys. They’re in this band called the Insane Clown Posse. They wear face paint to look like said clowns and they sing about bitches and ejaculation, but they secretly love Jesus. Their followers are called “Juggalos” or “Jugallettes,” and sometimes “Down-Ass Ninjas.”

How to accurately describe a Juggalo? The true nature of a Ninja can only be felt with the heart, sensed with the soul, dreamed about in a haze of Mad Dog and weed resin smoked out of a rusted-out Mountain Dew can fished out of that sluggish creek behind PJ’s house. Let Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, the masterminds behind ICP, explain to you:

In celebration of, let’s face it, an exhaustingly eventful 2010, we at Atom are giving up our usual letters to Santa in favor of helping some of our favorite people of 2010 with their holiday wish lists. For twelve days leading up to Christmas, we’ll have a brand new gift guide to help you shop for your favorite celebrity or pop culture phenomenon.

Shopping for that gal in your life with an affinity for cosmetic surgery, a glut of sycophantic hangers on, and delusions of grandeur? You must be in the market for the perfect gift for one of the vapid stars of the Real Housewives franchise.

I’m not going to address your debatable choice in associates; I’m here to help. Let’s face it, these dames are (read: really want to appear) richer than Guam, so scoring them just the right gift might be a little challenging, unless you happen to be a psychiatrist with an itchy prescription finger.

While what they really need is a healthy dose of validation, and maybe a hug, those are a bit too intangible (and cheap–yeesh!) for their hearts as black as their AmEx cards.

Try these, instead:

Imagine standing on the side of some brutal December-time street, your round little kid cheeks chapped from the stinging wind, balling your little kid fingers in little fists of delight inside your little furry mittens, in awe at the sheer joy of seeing Santa at the annual Christmas parade. Maybe he got my letter! Maybe he’ll let me pet the reindeer! Here he comes! Oooh!

Oh, but–Mama, why’s he yelling? Why’s he saying that bad, bad word? Why’s he hitting that big kid?? The policeman, Mama, he’s…taking Santa away! Is…is Santa going to…jail?

And BOOM, just like that, your wish list goes up in flames, your childhood wonder evaporates, the innocence in your eyes extinguishes forever, and Santa joins the ranks of mere mortals, just another “bad man” that you see on TV.

In celebration of, let’s face it, an exhaustingly eventful 2010, we at Atom are giving up our usual letters to Santa in favor of helping some of our favorite people of 2010 with their holiday wish lists. For twelve days leading up to Christmas, we’ll have a brand new gift guide to help you shop for your favorite celebrity or pop culture phenomenon.

Dude, I understand. Sometimes you just like to get drunk. Sometimes, though, you are a drunk. Now, now, I’m not here to point fingers or to pass judgment. That’s the gift-giver’s role! Show the luscious lushes in your life that you’ve got their number with:

So you think you’ve got the holidays all figured out? Joy, thanks, celebration, charity – throw in a little rum and some gravy – maybe take a swing at your step-dad, and call it a year. No surprises here, right? Wrong. Because the Messiah is finally back! It’s just not our messiah. The upside is that somebody’s experiencing the second coming of Jesus this year, the downside? It’s the sharks.

Scientists at a Virginia aquarium have confirmed that a female Blacktip shark has given birth to a pup with absolutely no male genetic material present. The female had not encountered a male in over eight years when the sweet baby Shark Jesus was born, making it truly and verifiably a “virgin birth.” And, though this kind of thing has been reported once before, this is the first time we’ve actually been able to confirm it…because the first one was promptly eaten by other Sharks mere moments after being born. So it’s safe to assume that Shark Jesus isn’t here to fuck around, because as rough as the human Christ had it in his short time here on earth, at least the three wise men didn’t follow the Christmas star for two months just to eat him the second he emerged from the womb.
 

A good chunk of the soon-to-be-written Shark Gospels can pretty much stay the same as in our bible, but this new, more terrifying savior doesn’t exactly seem the forgiving type, so the Sermon on the Mount, at least, is going to need some revising. Here are some suggestions:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of my guts. Blessed are those who mourn, for there will be a shit-ton of them pretty quick. Blessed are the meek, for they are really easy to catch. Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account, for I will leap up to 25 vertical feet out of the water and eat them if they are within 25 vertical feet of the water.

You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, ‘You shall not murder’; and ‘whoever murders shall be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, eat them. Everything is food.

Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way to court with him, or your accuser may turn out to be Roy Scheider, and he may throw an oxygen tank into your mouth, and may shoot that oxygen tank, and your head may explode.  That guy is a dick.

If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. Your leg is also incredibly sinful, especially that thick part of your thigh right towards the top. Get rid of that shit. Throw it in the water.

You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, “so what? I have protective film over my eyes and like seven hundred teeth. They’ll grow back in a day.

Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or you can say to your neighbor, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and then while he’s looking up and waiting for you to do it, you can bite him in the chest and then thrash around.

Everyone then who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who actually brought a bigger boat, and when the rain fell, and the floods came, and I bumped against it, it would not fall, because it was a reasonably sized vessel. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not act on them will be like a foolish man who stands right next to the mirror pool, and makes a really long speech about how he’s going to kick some ass, but then I eat him about halfway through and it is hilarious.

So, aside from those few quick edits (and maybe changing the seventh commandment to read “thou shalt not be Richard Dreyfuss,”) everything should be pretty much the same for you, Shark Jesus. Expect your time here to be much like your human analogue: Short, filled with strife, and relatively bloody. But if you don’t want to get overshadowed, I’d get a move on; I hear the reincarnation of Buddha is going to the Grizzlies, and there’s been some rather disturbing talk of an “emerging Snake Pope.”
 

You can read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots