So there are these two guys. They’re in this band called the Insane Clown Posse. They wear face paint to look like said clowns and they sing about bitches and ejaculation, but they secretly love Jesus. Their followers are called “Juggalos” or “Jugallettes,” and sometimes “Down-Ass Ninjas.”

How to accurately describe a Juggalo? The true nature of a Ninja can only be felt with the heart, sensed with the soul, dreamed about in a haze of Mad Dog and weed resin smoked out of a rusted-out Mountain Dew can fished out of that sluggish creek behind PJ’s house. Let Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, the masterminds behind ICP, explain to you:

..and from “Blaaam!”:

It may look as though the true Juggalo has everything he needs, but fear not, intrepid gift giver; with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of heart, you too can give a Ninja a gift that will show you “give a fuck” this holiday season.

May we suggest:

- Crystal Faygo snifter

- Hand-crocheted hatchet cozy

- Another fat b*tch named Bridgett (you’re on your own on this one)

- This, Framed:

- A loving father

Need some more ‘Lo in your life? Check out the Juggalo News:

Merry Christmas to all and to all MMFWCL!

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Shopping for that gal in your life with an affinity for cosmetic surgery, a glut of sycophantic hangers on, and delusions of grandeur? You must be in the market for the perfect gift for one of the vapid stars of the Real Housewives franchise.

I’m not going to address your debatable choice in associates; I’m here to help. Let’s face it, these dames are (read: really want to appear) richer than Guam, so scoring them just the right gift might be a little challenging, unless you happen to be a psychiatrist with an itchy prescription finger.

While what they really need is a healthy dose of validation, and maybe a hug, those are a bit too intangible (and cheap–yeesh!) for their hearts as black as their AmEx cards.

Try these, instead:

Dog Sauna

Lip slug terrarium

Quaalude q-tips

Albino-tear toothpaste

Ipecac whoopie pies

Oh, but–Mama, why’s he yelling? Why’s he saying that bad, bad word? Why’s he hitting that big kid?? The policeman, Mama, he’s…taking Santa away! Is…is Santa going to…jail?

And BOOM, just like that, your wish list goes up in flames, your childhood wonder evaporates, the innocence in your eyes extinguishes forever, and Santa joins the ranks of mere mortals, just another “bad man” that you see on TV.

This is a true story. It happened in England. Witness: “Children Cry As Fake Santa Arrested.”

Many other horrible Santas have done horrible things, too. Many candycanes have melted in the feverish grasp of children struggling to hold on to the belief in the sanctity of Santa in the the face of terrible, damning evidence to the contrary.

Evidence like this:

- Shin-Kicking Santa

Jolly police brutality:

“Adam Klimek, who entered the Brown Elephant shop in a Santa hat and fake fur coat, was reportedly ‘using profanity to the customers and appeared intoxicated,’ according to WLS AM…The ill-tempered Santa was charged with felony aggravated battery to police, as well as two smaller misdemeanors.”

- Stranger-Danger Santa

Fresh out of sketchy white vans? Try a unicycle:

“Police say a man dressed as Santa Claus tried to kidnap a 12-year-old girl walking to a US school…Anthony Russo was later arrested in Cleveland wearing the Santa suit, complete with pillow and beard, and carrying a sack, a large box of candy canes and a unicycle with Christmas decorations.”

- Sauced Santa

The jolly old elf has been hitting the Christmas spirit pretty hard:

Image via

“Police in Wisconsin said a man in a Santa Claus outfit was cited after stumbling out of a vehicle and hugging children playing in a yard….The witnesses said ‘Santa’ hugged the children and asked them if they knew the whereabouts of his reindeer.”

- Similar to Santa

Technically not Santa, but close enough to do some damage:

- Spirit-Crushing Santa

Had enough of real-life scry Santas? Escape into an equally-terrifying animated tale, from our friends Team Tiger Awesome:

Dude, I understand. Sometimes you just like to get drunk. Sometimes, though, you are a drunk. Now, now, I’m not here to point fingers or to pass judgment. That’s the gift-giver’s role! Show the luscious lushes in your life that you’ve got their number with:

- Beer Belt

- Can of tuna (to eat over sink)

- Pepto Bismol Christmas Classics Collection©

- Mr Roger’s “What Do You Do With The Mad That You Feel?”

Come back tomorrow for Day 7, when we’ll be helping you shop for a certain blushing bride-to-be. See all our 2010 gift guides right here.

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Scientists at a Virginia aquarium have confirmed that a female Blacktip shark has given birth to a pup with absolutely no male genetic material present. The female had not encountered a male in over eight years when the sweet baby Shark Jesus was born, making it truly and verifiably a “virgin birth.” And, though this kind of thing has been reported once before, this is the first time we’ve actually been able to confirm it…because the first one was promptly eaten by other Sharks mere moments after being born. So it’s safe to assume that Shark Jesus isn’t here to fuck around, because as rough as the human Christ had it in his short time here on earth, at least the three wise men didn’t follow the Christmas star for two months just to eat him the second he emerged from the womb.
 

A good chunk of the soon-to-be-written Shark Gospels can pretty much stay the same as in our bible, but this new, more terrifying savior doesn’t exactly seem the forgiving type, so the Sermon on the Mount, at least, is going to need some revising. Here are some suggestions:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of my guts. Blessed are those who mourn, for there will be a shit-ton of them pretty quick. Blessed are the meek, for they are really easy to catch. Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account, for I will leap up to 25 vertical feet out of the water and eat them if they are within 25 vertical feet of the water.

You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, ‘You shall not murder’; and ‘whoever murders shall be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, eat them. Everything is food.

Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way to court with him, or your accuser may turn out to be Roy Scheider, and he may throw an oxygen tank into your mouth, and may shoot that oxygen tank, and your head may explode.  That guy is a dick.

If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. Your leg is also incredibly sinful, especially that thick part of your thigh right towards the top. Get rid of that shit. Throw it in the water.

You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, “so what? I have protective film over my eyes and like seven hundred teeth. They’ll grow back in a day.

Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or you can say to your neighbor, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and then while he’s looking up and waiting for you to do it, you can bite him in the chest and then thrash around.

Everyone then who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who actually brought a bigger boat, and when the rain fell, and the floods came, and I bumped against it, it would not fall, because it was a reasonably sized vessel. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not act on them will be like a foolish man who stands right next to the mirror pool, and makes a really long speech about how he’s going to kick some ass, but then I eat him about halfway through and it is hilarious.

So, aside from those few quick edits (and maybe changing the seventh commandment to read “thou shalt not be Richard Dreyfuss,”) everything should be pretty much the same for you, Shark Jesus. Expect your time here to be much like your human analogue: Short, filled with strife, and relatively bloody. But if you don’t want to get overshadowed, I’d get a move on; I hear the reincarnation of Buddha is going to the Grizzlies, and there’s been some rather disturbing talk of an “emerging Snake Pope.”
 

You can read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots

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