How they were able to move silently through the forest floor dragging this is anyone’s guess

The velociraptor was celebrated as a lightning-quick homicide machine, capable of eviscerating us with a mere swipe of their foot.  And those killjoy Paleontologists can’t wait to take that away from us.

Paleontologists are a bitter brood.  By the time they realize they are going to spend 85% of their professional life dusting, they’re come too far to turn back.  Their only joy is in tearing down the research of others, demonstrating their relative superiority to their fellow bone custodians.  That’s the only reason why anyone would publish an article asserting blaspemy like velociraptor talons weren’t actually used for gutting prey.

The theory is that the hooked talons, while menacing looking, were really just a larger version of a claw that similar species had adapted for climbing.  It’s an interesting idea, but let me pose a question.  Would you say this:

…looks more like the object on the left or the right?

Completely indistinguishable

Exactly.  I call bullshit.  The velociraptor was clearly the fossilized progenitor of Freddy Krueger.  Don’t let this filthy liberal revisionist paleohistory infect your mind.  It’s bad enough that they’re wrong, but worse it’s EXACTLY what the velociraptors want you to think.

We must stop this madness.  How can we know the paleontologists aren’t already picking through our children’s textbooks, trying to find new lies to propagate?

It’s only a matter of time before more of our most cherished dinosaurs are reconceptualized:

The Stegosaurus’ tail was a defensive adaptation the first plow, ushering forth agrarian tribes of dinosaurs

The Triceratop’s horns could gore any similarly sized predator made drying wet clothes a snap!

The bony crest of the Lambeosaurus served social functions of noisemaking and recognition was a very effective beer opener

Okay, that last one can stay.  But that’s where I draw the line.

Can I… can I say gangbang on the internet?

Mechanical Tiger

This is Sheva, a walking mechanical tiger built by Kezanti, a Belgian artist.

What it’s used for:

Like most of these robots, it’s an art project. However, unlike most of these robots, Kezanti is at least awesome enough to ride it around town, albeit very, very slowly. Although, honestly, what’s the hurry? You already have a robot tiger mount; you ain’t got shit else that needs doing.

What I Would Use It For:

Confusing the fuck out of real tigers. If we have to live in irrational fear of Terminators, I don’t see why tigers get a free pass.

Giant Twin Robot Spiders

This is one of a pair of giant robot spiders built by a French group called La Machine, for display at Expo Y150, a celebration in Yokohama on the 150th anniversary of the port.

What it’s used for:

The Expo Y150 festival was a showcase of both technology and art. And, seeing as how it was in Japan, these concepts were expressed with a giant horrifying robot.,The expo also serves as a kind of “terror reservoir” for anybody afraid of:

A. Spiders

B. Robots

C. Giants or

D. All of the above.

Ensuring that, over the next 150 years, no child will go untraumatized with such a vast pool of fear having been collected.

What I Would Use It For:

Exactly – and I mean EXACTLY – the same thing. I would run it into an unsuspecting town and use it to terrorize the population. The only difference between La Machine’s approach and mine, is that I would be perched atop a nearby water tower cackling maniacally and wearing a top hat while shouting spider-based puns at the victims.

40 Foot Tall Mechanical Elephant

This is the Sultan’s Elephant, the flagship exhibit of a show by the same name. It’s put on by the Royal De Luxe Theatre Company, and is mostly based on the more innocuous and endearing Arabic folklore – as opposed to the non-endearing folklore where women get raped by whirlwinds and such. That would not make for nearly as nice a parade.

What it’s used for:

It’s the centerpiece to a gigantic spectacle that tours the world and ignites the imaginations of children. Or it’s just compensating for the penis of whoever’s driving it. Because let’s face it, if we assume the guy in the black Hummer has size issues, the guy in the 40 foot tall robot elephant must be anatomically irrelevant.

What I would use it for:

Fucking killing Legolas. LET’S SEE YOU BRING IT DOWN NOW THAT IT IS ALSO A ROBOT, YOU HANDSOME, BASTARD ELF-WOMAN .

Robo-Snake

This is “snake,” a robot built by SINTEF.

What it’s used for:

It’s actually a rescue robot, designed to slip between the rubble to reach earthquake survivors, which it will then locate and relay footage of to rescuers. Sure, it might save a great deal of survivors from collapsed buildings, but it will kill just as many victims with heart conditions who, even assuming they survive the stress of the earthquake and subsequent trapping, will immediately stroke out and die when a fucking robot snake comes slithering out from the darkness, shining its one malevolent eye and twisting its creepy transparent carapace about their legs.

What I would use if for:

Probably to scare girls, like a fifth grader. A fifth grader with a robot arsenal at his disposal.

Animatronic Dinosaurs

These are but a few of the animatronic dinosaurs featured at the London Natural History Museum.

What it’s used for:

A spectacle for the kids who, while possibly bored to tears looking at rocks and bones, would probably instantly reconsider a potential career in archaeology after one short field trip to visit the Dino-Bots.

What I would use it for:

Transport. Nobody’s going to give you a ticket if you accidentally leave your solid-steel T-Rex double-parked.

Fire Horse

This is the Fire Horse: A mechanical, fire-breathing horse built by Paka.

What it’s used for:

It was an exhibition featured in Burning Man which, for those of you unaware, is like Mad Max with hippies.

What I would Use it for:

Making horse racing interesting again. Throw a tiny man on top of that thing, then show me it pounding into the final stretch while shooting fire at its competitors, and you can just have my money – straight up. Everybody’s already a winner in that scenario.

Follow Robert on Twitter, on Facebook, or his own site, I Fight Robots.