It’s a rough time to be a deity.  It used to be all they had to do to get a little shine was cure a disease, but these days there’s always a douchebucket scientist ready to take the credit with their medicine or some such nonsense.  Way to fuck up omnibenevolence, Science. Worse, courtesy of alarmist zombie flicks, gods can’t even raise the dead without creating an uproar. 

 

Grandiose miracles have curiously had to take a back seat to more obscure ones to receive notice.  Subtle tactics like influencing the outcome of a sporting event worked pretty well, but there was never any guarantee that athletes would thank the right god.  Jesus has been coasting on Odin’s work in football for years. 

The reason this happens is simple – Jesus’ marketing staff OWNS.  They understand a miracle without a recognizable stamp is up for grabs.  They also pioneered the mantra "The quickest way to a believer’s heart is through their stomach".  For some reason our primal instincts seem to crave gods that are as powerful as they are delcious.  Lord Ganesha appearing in a flower is precious and all, but hardly very appetizing: 

Hey, L.G., nobody wants their miracle to be a garnish.

 

I don’t want to tell you celestial beings how to do your job (I so do), but allow me to trot out a few examples of miracles closer to the mark.

1. Marmite Messiah

 

If this looks like a baby-shit stain to you, the reality is you’re not far off.  This is marmite, a byproduct of beer brewing, that is used for a toast spread.  It is popular in the UK, presumably because their breads taste worse than yeast turds or the population have their tongues scalded with acid as part of a coming of age ceremony.

I don’t think this is Jesus’ best work.  Something about the eyebrows on this one gives me a bit more Charles Manson than son of God:

 

 

2. Kit-Kat Khrist

 

Maybe it’s more Bearded Bobby Deniro than Buddy Christ, but there’s no denying this is the most delectable miracle yet.  Still you’d think someone with omnipotence would know a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup would be the more sanctified choice.

 

3. Our Lady Of Limburger

 

The clarity of the image on the grilled cheese sandwich is undeniable, but I do have to question if it is a truly a miracle.  The creator looks as if she’s no stranger to a diet rich in carbs and molten cheese sauces.  it was probably just a matter of time before she made a series of sandwiches accidentally inscribed with the collective works of Shakespeare.

 

4. Allah Tags The Produce Aisle

Belief in Allah is not only a means to salvation, but it cures scurvy as well.

 

For some reason Allah only puts his name on fresh fruit and vegetables.  No wonder most Americans find him so foreign.

 

5.  Teach A Man To Fish Stick, He’ll Eat (Poorly) Forever
 

For those unfamiliar with the biblical account of Jesus, there is very little documentation about his teenage years.  This is because relgious leaders felt that the canon would be negatively impacted by revealing what this picture so clearly shows – Jesus was Batman’s archnemesis Two-Face.

6. Betcha Can’t Save Just One!

 

According to 55 year old Rosalie Dawson, this chip bears the image of Jesus Christ.  It’s a shame that God opted to bless her potato chip rather than cure her glaucoma, but if she’s convinced Drinky Crow is yahweh who am I to argue?

Pictured: Her Own Personal Jesus

 

7. Cinna-saint

 

It’s unusual for saints to make appearances like this, but after Mother Teresa’s death got upstaged by Princess Di she was desperate for some comeuppance.  The validity of this miracle was debated by The Vatican for some time until a cardinal noted these unusual markings inside one of the roll’s folds:

 

8.  Cheesus

Though this was uncovered years ago, it is still a controversial object.  Many theologens contend it is indisputably an extruded, deep-fried manifestation of the crucifiction.  Others contend it is "some dude just rockin’ the fuck OUT."

 

 

9. Mary + Jesus Jawbreaker

 

Caveat emptor: There is no guarantee this will actually taste like Jesus or his mother. 

I definitely can see Mary and her veil, but Jesus seems to be an oversized prada bag. 

 

10. Pious Pop-tart

Pop-tarts enjoyed the notoriety from this so much, they launched a whole new suite of flavors including Seraphic Strawberry, Chaste Chocolate Chip, and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Eucharist.

 

In our previous chapter we explored the lengths people will go to off themselves for a taste of the forbidden.  In this round we…just keep doing that.

Fugu
Of all the culinary timebombs out there, few are more celebrated than fugu.  Its mention in this category won’t surprise many, but seeming commonplace doesn’t lessen its lethality.  Until the day comes we see parents packing fugu for their kids’ lunches, you can still safely assume it is not to be trifled with.

The poison generated in the puffer fish is estimated at 1,200 times the strength of cyanide.  That makes it the second most poisonous vertebrate in the world, only slightly lagging behind the syringe-backed herpes frog:

It is easily identified by the telltale black/lime-green coloration, as well as the prominent cold sores around its mouth

The chefs that prepare it are specially licensed to do so, as even a drop of the toxin from the liver or ovaries contaminating the meat will be lethal.  Their training culminates in a final exam where they prepare the dish for themselves to consume, which brings new gravity to the notion of pass/fail.

The poison is called tetrodotoxin, which is a neurotoxin that paralyzes its victims while they are still conscious.  That means as your throat closes and your lungs deflate you won’t be able to remind your fellow diners not to tip the chef.  Still, you can hardly fault the chef for your decisions.  You’ve got no one to blame but yourself, unless of course you were unwittingly involved in Ashton Kutcher’s latest TV concept:

Dozens of people die every year from ill-prepared fugu.  The only way to be sure that you are safe is to eat farmed puffer fish, as that environment doesn’t allow them to take in the bacteria needed to create the toxin.  This option is very popular among people who enjoy semi-raw thrills like skydiving simulators or receiving half of a handjob.

BLOOD CLAMS

Blood clams are also known as blood ark clams.  The reference to blood is derived from their blood red color, not the fact that they are so hepatitis-ridden that your liver bleeds at their mere mention.  I don’t know where the “ark” comes from, but based on their reputation I have a theory:

Shellfish are Mother Nature’s little agents of retribution.  As filter feeders they basically accumulate and serve us back the foulness that we dump into their environment.  Worse, at times they can harbor toxins that no reasonable amount of cooking will destroy.  That’s why it is critical to heed health authorities and government officials when they urge you to avoid them.

Unless you live in Shanghai and you want blood clams.  Apparently then you can do whatever the fuck you want.

There has been a government ban on the sale of blood clams since 1988, due to an outbreak of hepatitis that affected 310,000 with an uncertain death toll.  The economic cost of that disaster was totaled at a staggering 1 billion yuan.  The citizens of Shanghai have since commemorated that dark period with their annual festival:

The preferred preparation of these clams is to dip them briefly in boiling water and eat them with sauce.  Even if the sauce was penicillin-based, it wouldn’t kill the viruses, let along typhoid and dysentery, that lurk within.  All the boiling water can realistically accomplish is piss the pathogens off enough to come at you with a case of violent superdiarrhea prior to destroying you.

False Morel

A quick perusal of any wilderness safety guide will tell you in no uncertain terms that mushrooms are very seldom your friends.  This has to be explicitly spelled out because humanity has an inexplicable love affair with these turd blossoms.

Nature hint #1: If it looks like a cerebrum glazed in fecal matter, don’t eat it

The Scandavian false morel mushroom represents the ultimate in culinary audacity.  In order to “safely” consume this delicacy, here are the instructions for preparation:

1. Boil and rinse under a ventilation hood.  Open all windows as well.  The fumes rising from the pot are toxic.
2. Cut the whole mushrooms after boiling into 2 or 4 pieces.  Handle while wearing gloves.  Wash your hands afterward regardless
3. Boil the mushrooms AGAIN.  Discard the cooking water, as it is also potentially lethal.
4. Rinse the mushrooms again and prepare for consumption
5. Shake your fist at the sky and taunt God for his feeble attempt to kill you

There are regulations for the disposal of nuclear waste that are less comprehensive than this.

The false morel is prepared with wilted greens in an arsenic vinaigrette

Even after all of these extensive measures are in place, not all of the toxin, gyromitrin, is removed.  Worse, it is considered a cumulative carcinogen, which means even after it fails to kill you, it remains in your system WAITING to kill you.  Does that sort of tenacity sound familar?

On second thought, I’m not really all that hungry…

Ian Cheesman is beginning to understand the appeal of wholy unnatural foods like velveeta.  For more humor and/or cheese product, check out scenicanemia.com.

We all know that food inherently carries some risks.  We know this because many of our forebears showed great diligence in getting killed by it.  Sometimes it was a toxin lurking in an untested mushroom cap, but more often our food came equipped with giant fucking teeth and refused to acknowledge how hungry we were.

Thankfully time and technology advanced.  We passed along which plants to avoid and developed weaponry that could shoot through kevlar-armored bears.  Not a minute too soon, actually:

 

We no longer worried about our food killing us, leaving plenty of time to fret about terrorism, global warming and erectile dysfunction.  In short, we missed worrying about food.

Despite the risk, some folks just can’t get over the thrill of a given meal possibly being their last.  If you too are a fan of your sustenance potentially destroying you, these foods may be right up your alley.  I recommend you try them with the Irony Dipping Sauce.

 

San Nak Ji

We’re modern people in a fast-paced world.  If we’re lucky enough to find time to eat, we don’t have time for luxuries like cooking or waiting for the animal to die.  In fact, we believe no meal is complete without catching that last flicker of resentment in its eye that lets you know you’re asshole royalty.  The Korean dish san nak ji covers all that ground and goes the extra mile to tempt homicide. 

San nak ji is a healthy helping of delicately hacked up live octopus.

 

Allow me to present my cultural insensitivity when I say "Oh hell no."

 

Even after getting the Texas Chainsaw Massacre treatment, the octopus’ nervous system is able to maintain frenzied twitching and a vague sense that it has been wronged.  The tentacle cuttings to quickly organize a coup d’etat, mobilizing forces to choke the diner internally.  The only way to prevent suction cups latching inside the throat is to thoroughly pulverize while chewing, but purists/sadists maintain the squirming sensation is part of the draw. 

There are an average of 6 deaths due to choking courtesy of san nak ji annually in South Korea.  That number rises appreciably if any of the octopi happen to watch Braveheart prior to being served.

Yes, that is the same Braveheart gag in consecutive weeks.  Goddamn, I love that movie.

 

Ackee

The ackee fruit is a staple in Jamaica, best known for its inclusion in the national delicacy ackee and salted fish.  It is secondarily known for causing a vomiting sickness so godawful medical science has named it after the country itself.  Considering the number of tourists in England presented with blood sausage annually, it really says something that Jamaica’s hurling earned special nomenclature.

I don’t mind the taste, I just hate getting scabs stuck in my teeth

 

The ackee fruit is only dangerous if you happen to consume it when it is underripe.  Or overripe.  Or if you happen to eat any flesh not immediately surrounding seeds prepared properly.  Other than that, feel free to tear right into it with abandon.

The Ackee Extraction Team Is understandably well funded

 

The predominate number of ackee poisoning fatalities are in children. They are less prone to shun the immature fruit, either due to inexperience or the ackee’s strangely alluring appearance when underripe:

 

The statistics show approximately 1 in 1,000 people in the Caribbean develop ackee poisoning every year and it is linked with the deaths of multiple groups of children internationally.  Government officials were ready to declare this fruit a scourge, right up until someone pointed out its export makes $13 million annually.  They opted instead to redirect their efforts into PR:

 

Ian Cheesman will bring you part 2 after part 1, occasionally after part 4, but never after part 3.  That would be ludicrous.  You can find more writing that induces vomiting at scenicanemia.com.