Loading ...Let’s not be pretentious here; these are just a bunch of unbelievably disturbing animals. Why? Because when it comes right down to the line, there are only two things that nature is really, really good at: Majestic landscapes, and unrelenting horror. In my experience, the internet could give a shit less about majestic landscapes, so…
Thylacine
The Thylacine, more commonly known as the Tasmanian Tiger, looks like a cross between a kangaroo and a dog because, ridiculously enough, it pretty much was. Though its behavior was more along the lines of the modern wolf, it was still technically a marsupial, and both sexes of the Thylacine had pouches just like their Kangaroo cousins. Unfortunately, it was hunted to extinction around the turn of the 20th century. Now, isn’t that a shame? Wasn’t it cute?
Now here it is possessed by the devil.
You see, the most unique trait of the Thylacine was the ability to open its jaws up to 120 degrees – like a snake. This didn’t really make it more dangerous to humans in any way, but it’s not like that news is really going to help you to stop crying now, is it?
Pistol Shrimp
This is the Pistol Shrimp and, well, it looks pretty much like every other shrimp. Call me a racist, but if we’re to be honest here, they all look the same to me – which is to say that they seem naked without cocktail sauce. I wouldn’t say that to its face, though, because the Pistol Shrimp takes its name literally:
They call it the Pistol Shrimp because it can snap its larger claw shut so fast that it causes an underwater shockwave to travel straight outward from the appendage. The resulting blast is powerful enough to kill small fish at a distance, and even stun much larger ones. In a nutshell, the Pistol Shrimp has evolved its hand into a god damn gun. It is one of only a few species capable of producing Sonoluminescence – which is a sound so loud that it actually produces light – because the bubble created by this claw-shot, upon collapsing, briefly creates temperatures hotter than the sun. So to sum up: There is a shrimp out there in the ocean – right now – that wields a power akin to that of the sun itself, and fires death-rays from its claws. I’d stay away from the Red Lobsters for a while, because when the revolution comes, they will not be spared.
Goblin Shark
The Goblin Shark, found mostly in the deep-sea waters around Japan, can grow up to 11 feet in length and weighs about 400 pounds. They are predominantly blind, and instead are forced to hunt using a primitive form of radar. When they sense prey, they can extend a special set of jaw muscles that pull the target into their waiting mouths. To put that another way, when this giant sea predator sees you with its shark equivalent of Spidey-sense, it will hurl its mouth at you, bite down, and then reel you back in. Like a frog. Like a 400 pound, underwater frog-monster that, in place of a sticky tongue, instead shoots out dozens of razor sharp teeth with crushing bite power. Here I would normally make a “in Japan, shark fish for you” joke, but I think I’ll just call my mom and cry a bit instead.
Listen: I know you may not feel like watching a video right now, but you seriously need to play that. It will wrong your soul in profound, and irreversible ways.
Chinese Giant Salamander
The Chinese Giant Salamander, also known as the Hellbender Salamander, is not only the largest species of Salamander on earth, but also has the most undeniably Metal name in the entire animal kingdom. They can reach lengths of up to six feet long, and live for fifty years or more. Like most salamanders, the Hellbender also has a harpoon instead of a tongue. What? You didn’t know that? Oh, okay: They have bone projectiles attached to lengths of stringy muscles that they fire out of their mouths and spear their prey with. Now you know! Isn’t learning fun?
Oh, it also looks like the Devil’s penis, so it’s got that going for it…
Chrysopelea
Chrysopelea is the scientific term for the Flying Snake. But don’t worry, that’s just a dramatic name – these snakes don’t actually fly. That would be ridiculous! They really just glide for great distances..
They are actually the most adept of the ‘gliding’ animals, even outpacing the famous Flying Squirrel. The chief difference here being that, when you see a flying squirrel, you’re likely to say something along the lines of “aww, Flying Squirrel! Cuuuute!” Whereas sightings of the Chrysopelea are usually accompanied by cries of “what the fuck?! Snakes can fly?! I quit life!”
On the plus side, if it’s not flying directly at your fucking head, the Chrysopelea looks like it’s having a hell of a good time in pictures.
In conclusion, what I really wanted to say was this: Isn’t living indoors nice? We really take that simple, beautiful fact for granted lately, and I hope I helped you to appreciate it just the littlest bit more. So hey, you’re welcome!
Read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, but be quick about it, because apparently its only a matter of time before chickens evolve Adamantium skeletons and Grizzly Bears learn to harness the power of flight.
