(It’s funny because turkeys can’t read so they don’t know I want to messily devour their tender flesh until my belly is swollen.  I’m what you might call a “trypto-fan”, which is a hilarious joke if you like amino acid humor.)

For many the Thanksgiving celebration begins a few days early with a festive anxiety attack.  For me, Thanksgiving is the impending promise of being cornered by obnoxious relatives for awkward conversation and drunken knife fights.  Granted, most of the knife fights are instigated by me as a method to avoid conversations, but I contend anyone who insists on telling back to back stories about their cat effectively threw the first punch.  And on one occasion it was clearly self-defense when Grandma neglected her meds and came at me with the business end of a gravy boat:

Still, even for families not quite as stab-inclined as mine, there are innumerable ways for the affair to take ugly turns.  This guide should help you avoid some of the common mistakes.

1) Opinions Are Harmony-Killing Viruses
One should approach a holiday dinner with family like a first date – keep your expectations low and the conversation benign.  The latter can be particularly difficult when Thanksgiving follows an election season, especially one featuring a heated presidential race.  Even if you see Obama’s ascension to power as fulfilling a centuries-old liberal prophecy this is no time to gloat.

“Then, on Christmas Eve, Barack will fly over each house delivering toys to all children that are mindful of their carbon footprint and tax credits to their middle class parents”

Another common example is the token family vegetarian.  While many holidays feature a central meat dish, Thanksgiving is the only one that makes carnivorous lust the centerpiece (at least until California ratifies my petition to have August 1st be “‘Fuck Yeah, Bacon!’ Day”).

My stomach and penis are still debating on who likes this most

Pressed for explanation a responsible vegetarian will have no shortage for information pointing at the toxicity of modern meat preparation and gross corruption within the industry.  Worse, those dicks are 100% correct about it.  Fortunately holidays are designed to be an escapist affair and truth doesn’t count for much.  It is only the undeniable fact that tofurky sucks that allows Thanksgiving to remain unscathed.

There are infinite examples of personal opinions and ideals potentially turning the family meal into an emotional cage-match.  The key is to weigh your satisfaction of being right against enjoying cholesterol-laden mashed potatoes in peace.  As always in life, let the mashed potatoes be your guide.

2) Embrace The Kitchen

The burden of creating a comprehensive Thanksgiving meal is worrisome.  Stepping up with a dish is your opportunity to lighten the load as well as assure there will be at least one plate that won’t elicit dry-heaves.  Allow me to offer a recipe that has historically served me very well:

Yes, I’m aware that Jack Daniels is a Tennessee Whiskey and not a bourbon.  What kind of alcoholic do you take me for?

3)  Repression Is Love

Many of us don’t get to see our families all that often, making holidays one of the few avenues for face-time.  That can make it a seductive moment to finally break the silence on admissions that are too intimate for a phone conversation.  I politely sugest you take that idea, put its mouth on the curb, and don’t quit stomping until it stops twitching.

They may not know the specifics, but rest assured your parents know what a freak you are.  They also know that while they’ll have to deal with it someday, they’d appreciate it if they don’t have to recall your scrotal piercing every time they bite into a mouthful of stuffing.

“Lord, thank you for keeping everyone safe and shutting Kyle the fuck up about his new coked-out polyamory Furry friends.”

Ian Cheesman sincerely hopes that you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, but he’s also quietly hoping that his will be better than yours.

You know what else goes well with cranberry sauce? http://internetsensation.com