Loading ...From real life krakens to boiling-acid-firing caterpillars, nothing’s better at scaring the crap out of you like the gentle majesty of the animal kingdom. It seems like the extent of Mother Nature’s horror is only limited by her imagination, and apparently that bitch has been watching some Reading Rainbow, because her creepiness is off the charts these days. Here are five more examples of the most disturbing creatures on the face of the earth.
Human Face Fish
The aptly named Human Face Fish is, as you can see, not an inventive, charming descriptive term with an amusing backstory to explain it. It’s just a fish with a human face, there to look at you with its non-eyes and reflect the terrible frailty of your human identity with its frozen, corpse-like expression. Because carp frequently skim the surface to ‘breathe’ and collect food, watching the Human Face Fish in action creates the impression that the fish repeatedly swims to the surface to silently scream in terror every couple of minutes.
It’s not actually a recognized species yet, (it’s a hybrid between two different species of carp,) but it’s not a fluke either. The breeding of these two species has frequently produced the “human face” pattern in the fish. So, it’s not like finding one corn-flake that looks like Illinois in a batch of millions; it’s like finding several cases of corn flakes that look like the faces of your screaming children every time you visit the store. In a situation like this – finding something completely inhuman that is clearly trying to adapt to resemble a human face screaming in fear – there’s really only two reasonable responses: You can either assume that you’re insane and seek help, or buy a flamethrower and burn the world until it makes sense again. Here is a video of the fish screaming.
I am going to do both.
Vampire Squid
The Vampire Squid varies in color from pitch black to pale red, has a cloak of webbing connecting its eight arms (lined with spines, of course,) and the largest proportional eyes of any animal on earth. It possesses advanced cloaking techniques, fires bioluminescent ink that explodes in a dizzying laser light show when threatened, transforms into an orb-shape (to frighten inexplicably ball-fearing deep sea hunters, perhaps?) and can vary the size and shape of its numerous glowing photophores to either mimic giant, unearthly evil eyes to frighten larger fish, or to ‘hypnotize and transfix its prey’ with bizarre, intricate flashes of light.
It’s only about a foot long, so it doesn’t pose any real danger to humans, but watching this thing in motion isn’t exactly a warm snuggle either- as it constantly shape-shifts from nebulous cloud to flailing black spider forms, manifests enormous glowing eyes in the deep, and fires flashbang grenades from its spine-laden tentacle-cloak.
If you think I’m exaggerating how disturbing a Vampire Squid in action really is, consider its scientific name, Vampyroteuthis Infernalis, which literally translates to “vampire squid from hell.” Most scientific names are basic and descriptive, denoting location, description, or just the color of the animal. They’re not notorious for their exaggeration or hyperbole in animal identification, so when they preface a creature’s name with the word ‘vampire,’ and then append the term ‘from hell’ to it; that’s just the best way Science knows to say ‘that thing is fucking creepy and it makes me cry.’
Olm
The Olm is a blind, cave-dwelling, eel-like creature that swims mostly by contorting its body like a snake, only slightly assisted by those tiny, creepy feet. It eats crustaceans and insects, which it swallows whole, also like a snake. Oh, and one other fun fact: It looks exactly like a sperm, complete with milky coloring, sticky complexion, and wriggling movement. The difference, of course, is that the Olm would be a giant sperm – about a foot long – that comes equipped with those aforementioned tiny, blindly groping, horrible feet, and swallows crabs whole. It is frequently mistaken for the Ajolote, presumably by people who have never taken a Sex Ed class, because it looks like something that comes out of the Ajolote.
There’s a relationship there, to be sure, but they’re about as identical as apples and oranges. Or rather, about as identical as a clawed-snake penis and a clawed-snake sperm, if you want to be literal about it. Wow. What a god-awful sentence that was; the Olm is so gross that it ruins language.
Heteropoda Maxima
Spiders are notoriously freaky, and instill such an intense, nigh-universal phobia in humanity, that they’ve served as the inspiration for more fictional monsters than any other creature. Luckily, even the most deadly spiders are at least relatively small, giving us some solace in our relative sizes.
Well!
That lil’ fella up there is over a foot in diameter!
It was recently discovered in Laos, and it’s the largest spider in the world. It is a member of the Huntsman Spider family (all of which are frighteningly large,) which are found around the globe – from Japan to Africa, South America to Florida. They’re frequently housed in such exotic places as garages, woodsheds, or firewood piles.
When provoked, they will attack. And since they have a ‘clinging reflex’ when surprised, which causes them to seize onto the offending entity, (like your hands or face,) they’re pretty much always going to ‘be provoked,’ because once you see the world’s largest spider hugging your limbs, it’s a safe bet that said limb will soon be shaking, punching and flailing in desperation. They also travel with incredible speed, and can cling to walls or ceilings just like their smaller counterparts. Which is why sometimes people wake up to see this:
At which point they instantly die from shock, if there is any mercy in the world. In Africa, they’re also called Rain Spiders because, when it rains, they seek shelter inside houses and other dwellings. So please, donate to an African charity now. Because when it drizzles a bit in your hometown, you reach for an umbrella to keep your blouse from getting wet, but when it showers in Africa, you reach for a machete to fight off an impending invasion by the World’s Largest Nightmares. I think you can spare a few dollars to purchase extra blades for children facing the Spider Hordes, can’t you?
Loa Loa Worm
I am not starting this entry off with a picture. I am starting this entry with a disclaimer:
The following images and descriptions are to be considered NSFE, or Not Safe For Everything. Do you remember the first time you realized that the internet was a horrible place? Was it Goatse? 2 girls, 1 cup? Regardless of the particulars, at some point most of us have had a moment where we’ve understood that some things you cannot unsee, and that our lives will always be a little bit worse for witnessing them. This is one of those times.
This is the Loa Loa, also called the African Eyeworm.
Seriously, it’s not too late.
You can go! You can escape this!
Fine, here:
Are you happy now?
It lives in the rainforests of central Africa, and is frequently contracted through fly-bites. Humans are the only known natural incubators for the disease the worm causes, Loiasis, whose symptoms mostly consist of Red Spots, Itching, Soreness, Swelling, and Fantastic Ultra-Suicide when you first see a 2 ½ inch long worm swim through your fucking eyeball for an hour. If you think I’m exaggerating about the Ultra-Suicide, keep in mind that this is how they remove it:
I think I speak for every rational being on this planet when I say, with no reservations and complete authority: FUCK THAT. JUST…FUCKING FUCK THAT NOISE.
I just fired my eyeballs. They no longer work for me.
I hate this job.
I need a hug.
Read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, because now that you’ve learned how nature plans to kill you, you should really learn how science wants to do it.
