An Open Letter To Hayden Panettiere From The Internet

Ian Cheesman — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 00:28:20 +0000

Dear Hayden,

We are so proud of you. In the short time you’ve graced this planet you have filled it with a body of work that other actors couldn’t approach in a career. We’ve eagerly followed your acting since you were just a child (some of us more than others) and sincerely hope that continued success follows you. Still, we can’t help but think you’re presently squandering the greatest opportunity of your life. Allow us to explain.

Heroes has gotten abysmal by most accounts and that’s being kind. Most of the individuals we polled asserted the show is "making wrongful". English obviously isn’t everyone’s first language, but the tone is clear. It’s not really your fault, but that won’t matter if the show is canceled and you’re cast to the street like a common Lohan. If you want to preserve rest of your career, we believe you are long overdue for your first sex tape.

If you don’t film it, we’ll photoshop it.

The power of the "unauthorized" sex tape is undeniable. Paris Hilton got rogered in grainy night-vision and has since erected an industry around herself. She couldn’t even make slamming ham interesting and it was still an overnight sensation. Imagine what someone with your acting pedigree could accomplish, masturbatorially speaking. It goes without saying that you’d be infinitely more convincing than her, even during particularly savage fish-hooking scenes. But lets not get bogged down with our directorial notes just yet, we can revisit that later.

Like this, but with more latex and less bronze

We’ve deduced by your pop singles (and discarded lyric sheets we rummaged from your trash) that you are on the fast-track to dropping an album and could use some free press. Not only would a raunchy sex video redouble your exposure, using "Wake-Up Call" for the sountrack would provide essential viral marketing. It may sound contrived, but we certainly wouldn’t judge since the song is clearly about offering anonymous sex to your most dedicated MySpace fans. Right?

Who says you only have to "feature" Rihanna in your music?

Still not convinced? Consider that if you don’t take advantage of this opportunity, Miley Cyrus WILL. She hasn’t even hit 18 and her own father is already okaying tasteful flirations with whoredom. What do you think is going to happen when she crosses the statutory threshold? We’re talking a no-holds-barred BDSM threesome (and that isn’t using Hannah Montana to count Miley twice) filmed in IMAX at a minimum.

"Dad! Turn off the cameraaaa! We don’t WANT to make out!"

Don’t let her steal your thunder. For that matter, you should probably scoop her on the BDSM idea. It’s not like you won’t heal afterwards, right? Haha!

"I don’t care how sexy it, we’re not using hedge clippers in the next scene."

Even though we’ll know better, remember that marketing will require you publicly denounce its distribution. Deniability will allow you to retain ingenue status, whereas culpability will earn you scorn and relegate your future to sweaty casting-couch auditions for films like Poison Ivy 5: Another Washed Up Skanktress. No matter how the media grills you about the boom mic bopping into frame or why the video features expansive credits at the end, you must insist that it was a stolen moment between lovers.

You know what you must do now, Hayden. We know you have it in you (or you will soon enough). Any young lady that would willingly invoke The Shocker at a fan’s behest has untapped veins of pure depravity just waiting to be unleashed.

Just don’t forget to wear the Cheerleader outfit. Hopefully that’s a given.

Love,

The Internet

Ian Cheesman may be part of the aforementioned internet, but he swears he had absolutely nothing to do with this swill, Hayden. If you don’t believe him, you may pay him a visit over at internetsensation.com. Just don’t forget to wear the Cheerleader outfit.

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An Open Letter To Hayden Panettiere From The Internet