Loading ...Nothing invigorates the media like a good celebrity scandal, and it’s no wonder – the paparazzi get their pictures, the tabloids sell their papers, the entertainment shows fill their half-hour slots with fake teeth and soul-killing puns, and we the viewers get to watch rich, beautiful people mentally implode – it’s a classic win/win scenario. But there’s a problem: Celebrities have such insanely boring scandals – this starlet is pregnant, that athlete needs therapy, some lead singer was driving drunk – it’s just tedious. Where is the element of insanity? The aura of unbelievability? That modicum of the purely fantastic that makes for truly good storytelling?
Celebrity scandals should start taking cues from either comic book supervilliany or pulpy spy novels to relearn how to capture the attention of their audience, and there’s a few already out there setting the bar high, one fuck-all crazy, espionage filled, ridiculous story at a time:
Julia Child Cooks Up Intrigue and Espionage
Julia Child, a name synonymous with class, culinary prowess, and refined manners, actually began her career as one of the founding members of the OSS, the precursor to what we now call the CIA. They were the first official ‘spy’ agency formed by the US government, and Child was one of their initial field operatives, where her job was mostly delivering secret messages to undercover agents in enemy territory. You might be tempted to make some lame cooking jokes at this point…and for once you would be completely and totally justified in doing so: Child actually used her culinary prowess on more than one occasion to serve her country.
In what sounds like a failed Mad TV skit, Julia Child was once charged with the task of stopping sharks from running into aquatic mines set out for German ships, thus prematurely alerting them to the presence of mine fields. She retreated to her lab, and soon cooked up an on-the-spot shark repellant to deter them…and it worked! It is a beautiful world indeed, when it is not the least bit untrue to say this: Julia Child – queen of the upside-down cake, author of your mother’s favorite cook-book and seller of lace aprons – spent World War II fighting off motherfucking sharks just for the right to kill some Nazis first.
Errol Flynn: Dashing Leading Man, Flamboyant Swashbuckler… Nazi Superspy?
Errol Flynn was best known for his roguish demeanor, swaggering charm, and leading-man good looks. He was slightly less well known for being a Nazi spy because well… that’s kind of the point of being a spy, isn’t it? Errol Flynn: The Untold Story, one of many memoirs about the late actor, stirred up some controversy when it heavily implied that Flynn was secretly spying for the Nazis during World War II. However, papers currently being petitioned for release from MI5 records may not only vindicate Flynn of these allegations, but actually prove that he was working as a double agent inside the Nazis, on behalf of both the British and Allied forces. A dashing, quick-witted pretty-boy with a severe alcohol addiction and a serious misogynistic streak working as a secret agent for the British? If you took away the molester mustache and burgundy tights, that makes Errol Flynn the half-gay inspiration for James Bond.
The theory that Flynn was a double-agent may have some holes, though: On his deathbed he left instructions that he was not to be buried at Forest Lawn, a prestigious graveyard much sought after by celebrities. When asked why, Flynn said that he didn’t “want to be buried amongst all those Jews. Better to bury me at sea with sharks; those I can trust.” And when your last request is entirely devoted to spiting the Jewish community, it’s a fair bet that you weren’t just ‘playing’ at anti-Semite. Unless Flynn was still just feigning his hatred to the bitter end in one last, desperate attempt to spy on Adolf Hitler…in hell.
Steven Seagal Vs. The Mafia in… Out for Justice IV: Out For Justicier
After filming wrapped on that sweeping Victorian-era period romance, Exit Wounds, Steven Seagal decided to quit making violent movies and focus instead on pursuing enlightenment on the advice of his spiritual guru. God, apparently not too keen on the prospect of hanging out with Seagal and his douchebag ponytail for all eternity, had other plans: Seagal’s former partner, Jules Nasso, had already signed him for five more action films when Seagal decided to find religion, and so he turned to his brother, a mafia enforcer, for help in persuading the star to fulfill his contract. The pair brought Seagal to an upscale steakhouse, where they met up with several other mafia enforcers and proceeded to shake Seagal down.
Now, you may expect Seagal to have considered the situation in silence for a moment before turning to the largest of the mobsters, narrowing his eyes and saying something like “How do you like your steak? Me? I prefer mine…bloody,” at which point he’d become a flurry of rapid jump-cuts, a cacophony of snapping bones would ring out, and it would finally end with his former partner getting beaten half to death with a pepper mill.
In reality, Seagal “appeared terrified,” agreed to “do whatever [they] want,” and then immediately fled the restaurant to call the police. Of course, Seagal has starred in over 20 direct-to-video violent action movies since then, so either the mob wasn’t exactly scared off by Seagal’s willingness to ‘go tell on them,’ or he found out that enlightenment doesn’t exactly pay the bills…unless you film yourself breaking its wrist for an hour and a half while muttering religious-themed puns about how badly it’s getting its ass kicked.
Rick James Was Not Kidding About That Whole Superfreak Thing
On the night of August 2nd, 1991, Rick James and his girlfriend Tanya Hijazi kidnapped, tortured and molested a complete stranger for over 24 hours straight. Frances Alley, who was either just an unwitting victim of terrible circumstances or an unfortunate winner of the “Spend a Day with Rick James” radio contest, arrived at James’ house for a party only to find he and his girlfriend completely alone, and unfathomably, ridiculously, torture-somebody-for-a-day stoned. The couple almost immediately “set upon Frances and restrained her” by tying her to a chair, where they “burnt [her] with heated crack pipes,” and “performed sexual acts in front of and upon her person.” Most likely that’s formal legal terminology for James and his partner having nonconsensual sex with Mrs. Alley, but it kind of sounds like the couple used her as some sort of terrified human sex-swing which, considering who we’re talking about here, is not entirely outside the realm of possibility.
James was eventually arrested, but soon made bail for these charges and, (perhaps because he completely misunderstood the concept of Double Jeopardy,) immediately fucking did it again! James and Tanya abducted one Mary Sauger when she arrived at their hotel for a business meeting, where they restrained and beat her over a period of more than 20 hours. That’s right: Rick James and his girlfriend kidnapped and tortured a woman for nearly a day, while still out on bail…for kidnapping and torturing a woman!
So yeah, that song Superfreak? Apparently Rick James did not just intend that as a sexy funk jam – it was a warning for anybody with a vagina planning on meeting Rick James that didn’t have a day or so to lose being used as fuck-furniture by a guy with predator dreads and his very, very freaky girl. The kind you seriously do not take home to mother.
Read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots
