It would have been in poor taste to attack a former war-hero when he was in the midst of standing up to the toughest trials of his life… but now he’s down! And we all know that the best time to kick a man is when he’s down. After all, if God didn’t want us to kick people when they were down, he wouldn’t have put them so close to foot level (where the kicking is.)

John McCain, in the last days of his campaign, tried desperately to exploit the questionable past of his rival, Barack Obama. But John McCain had his own nefarious ties, and where it seems Obama had a penchant for ‘60s era criminals, McCain himself seems inextricably tied to the great villains of the 1980s. Ties to the Iran-Contra scandal of the early 1980s were uncovered, when it was found out he’d served on an advisory board to an agency supporting the right-wing death squads of Central America and, of course, there was the embarrassing fund-raising letter he sent to the Russian Embassy. In the interest of full disclosure, I think it’s about time we explored some of the less public, but equally nefarious connections of John McCain in the ‘80s.

The Brief Stint in Cobra

We all know about the harrowing time John McCain spent as a POW in Vietnam, but far less known is the massive disillusionment he suffered upon his return that caused him to briefly team up with this famous group of international terrorists. Sure, he fell in with a rough crowd, and yes, maybe he was guilty of a few crimes – but come on, the man is clearly just a sucker for hot, bespectacled booty.

The Ivan Drago Luncheon

In 1985, Sen. McCain was caught by local paparazzi sharing a tender moment with the misunderstood Soviet Superman. Though many see fit to question his patriotism based entirely on this long forgotten and incidental association, McCain still insists that the meeting was harmless. A statement which is mostly verified by local bystanders, who report that the only remotely scandalous comment made during the meeting was Drago’s quiet and repeated insistence to his ice cream cone that “I must lick you.”

Suspect Campagin Contributions from Cobra Kai

Drastically outmatched by the skyrocketing donations of his superstar rival, McCain had little hope of matching Obama’s funds through conventional means. Desperate for capital, the senator turned to every possible source of support – former political associates, old friends, war buddies – all options were on the table. It’s no wonder, then, that McCain would choose this time to redeem a favor from his old war buddy, Terry Silver. Though ostensibly an incredibly busy and successful entrepreneur, Mr. Silver was suspiciously eager to drop all of his so-called pressing business concerns and place his own life on hold indefinitely just to devote his every waking moment to helping a bitter ex-soldier try to beat the ever-living shit out of a starry-eyed young upstart.

Former Decepticon?

Pleading innocence, McCain to this day insists that his infamous audition for the Decepticons was simply a crime of ignorance. Citing his unfamiliarity with modern technology, McCain is adamant that he was unaware of the Decepticons reputation at the time of his tryout. McCain explained his thinking at the time, stating that “Autobots, Decepticons, Dinobots, Constructicons – all I knew was that they were new-fangled gizmos that the kids seemed to really respond to. Besides,” he continued “it’s not like I even made it in.” Independent sources confirm this last statement, citing the reason for McCain’s dismissal as obsolescence; reportedly with much strain, McCain eventually managed to transform himself into a lime green 1973 Ford Maverick, at which he point he suffered from severe engine failure and was towed to a local mechanic.