Loading ...“Modern medicine” is quickly becoming an oxymoron, like “military intelligence” or “the smart Olsen sister”. Long past is the time where it was laying diseases down like red-shirted Star Trek officers surveying the planet Bombfracturestab during its shrapnel-rain season. There is some suspicion that early science was just cherry-picking the easy diseases like rickets (”Hmmm…do you think it could have anything to do with those toxic, black plumes of smoke obliterating all sunlight?”) and the lesser known Surrenderitis. Medical journals, all too aware of the dearth of groundbreaking research, is relegated to publishing reports like these.
DOCTOR CURES AIDS! (Apart from not curing it)
To any filthy whores with a penchant for ignoring parenthetical asides, please stop cheering and soliciting passerby with an all-access pass to your tender vittles. This is about to take a turn for the worse.
The recent medical breaththrough arrived courtesy of a patient who was afflicted with end-stage Leukemia and was HIV positive. There is no known connection between the two diseases, but doctors are pretty certain that God hates this guy.
“I’m coming for your ass!”
Dr. Gero Hütter was treating the patient for the Leukemia using a bone marrow transplant. Upon the patient’s recovery from the procedure, Dr. Hütter noted there were absolutely no traces of the HIV and immediately ran out into the hospital’s lobby to loudly declare “I am the greatest motherfucking doctor of all time!”. There’s no indication if the patient survived the cancer, but even if not Dr. Hütter would still be batting .500 which is major league any way you slice it.
There are just a couple of minor caveats to consider. The technological breakthrough is contingent on getting a marrow transplant from someone who is already born immune to the AIDS virus. And the genetic expression comes with the trade off of being more likely to die from West Nile virus. And the transplant procedure kills up to 30% of patients. And it’s entirely possible that AIDS will further mutate to defeat this particular “invulnerability”. Apart from that, it’s a lock.
This has far-reaching potential. If there are other similarly healthy people that would be willing to let doctors randomly scoop at their viscera with a melon-baller for depositing in sick people, the frontiers are endless.
HEART ATTACKS MAY BE BAD FOR YOUR HEART
The Institute For Advancement Of The Utterly Apparent recently released a cardiac study lead by Dr. Obvious. After an investment of thousands of tax dollars and countless man hours pensively tranfering the contents of one beaker to another, they reached the conclusion that there is an “elevated death risk after heart attack“. The institute hopes to use the notoriety from this publication to facilitate funding for their “Using decapitation as a modality to prevent headaches” study.
Eastern doctors have long embraced the healing power of the sword
The Mayo clinic study actually did demonstrate that there is a four-fold increase in sudden cardiac death during the 30 days following the initial cardiac arrest. That means affected patients should rest at least 32 days before resuming their training regiment of shotgunning nachos prior to explosive up-hill runs.
“Just doing a little carbo-loading before the big race!”
DOCTORS CONTEMPLATE DIAGNOSTIC OPTION
OF “SOMEWHAT DEAD”
We understand that doctors are not miracle workers. Treatment options are sometimes limited and often there is nothing that can be done for a patient. However, when our time comes and we slip off this mortal coil, the one thing we should be able to count on not hearing is “He looks pretty dead, but it’s hard to say. You’re sure he hasn’t even moved a little today?”
“I’d like to bring in a second opinion on this.”
The Academy of Medical Royal Colleges has recognized this need and begun updating UK guidelines for drawing that line. They insert guidance on problematic areas like determing brain death, which can be questionable if drugs are present in the system or if anyone has recently performed an incantation from the Necronomicon to raise an army of the undead. The guidelines will detail a simple, hands-on methodology that will encourage doctors to eschew technological diagnostics in favor of more classical methods. That’s why all physicians are going to be bestowed their own body-poking stick:
“If you are not 100% clear on where it is okay to poke them, please see myself and the resident psychologist ASAP.”
Ian Cheesman is not a licensed medical professional. His opinions are only informed by a few classes in college and those impromptu surgeries he performed on random hobos. He’s beginning to think he’s shared too much here.
