Nazis fleeing criminal persecution settled all around Brazil, including the area of Condido Godoi, decades ago. Because hey, if you have to flee the ghosts of unconscionable genocide, you might as well flee to someplace warm, and famous for the roundness of their asses. So the population of some regions, like Condido Godoi, is largely Germanic in appearance. They’re blond-haired, they’re blue-eyed, and as you can see from the data, about half of them are completely indistinguishable from one another.

There’s nothing in the water (that was the locals’ theory,) and it has nothing to do with inbreeding, (that was the geneticists’ theory,) but it’s inarguable: Something strange is going on with the children there. Residents of the area insist that the Angel of Death, one of Mengele’s charming nicknames, was travelling their countryside in the mid 1960s posing as a veterinarian, a doctor from another town, a volunteer aid worker, and a slew of other identities, and he spent a large chunk of his time with the local women. With a face like Josef’s up there – resembling something halfway between a gopher and Gollum – you know it probably wasn’t anything sexual.

Mengele was particularly obsessed with twins during his career in the Third Reich, and some of his most sinister experiments in the death camps focused around this obsession. And, though there’s certainly no hard evidence to prove it, most of the residents of Condido Godoi do believe that Mengele had something to do with the insanely high birth rate of these freaks of nature. Sexy freaks, maybe, but twins are still freaks in the strictest sense of the word.

Considering that the twins are predominantly blond-haired, blue-eyed, Aryan cookie cutter people, and that they began appearing in the mid 1960s – the same time that a twin-obsessed mad scientist was touring the area posing as a veterinarian who’s suspiciously interested in pregnant women instead of sickly horses – well, it’s not entirely out of the question that right now, as you read this, there is a small village in Brazil whose residents have been engineered by the Angel of Death… though it’s unlikely they’re going to adopt that as their town motto anytime soon.

So, when the inevitable Nazi Clone Armies arise and trample over the earth, their bloodthirsty pursuit of power resurrected, don’t be surprised if this time around they’re nicely tanned, wearing thongs, and generally just much more festive about this whole genocide thing.

Read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, but for Christ’s sake, hurry! When Nazi Carnivale arrives, there will be no time for idle entertainment – only G-strings and death. So much death…

Oh, wait, he was a fucking bear!

Voytek was an Iranian Honey Bear, as well as a credited, ranked, and official member of the Second Polish Transport Company.  He was found in the hills of Iran when the company, upon seeing a malnourished, starving bear cub, not only found the heart to nurse him back to health but then, eventually finding themselves with a full-grown, loyal, trained bear and a shitload of Nazis to fight, did the perfectly logical thing and decided to enlist him. I would normally comment here about the sheer insanity of the era’s military for allowing a bear into the armed forces, but honestly? It makes perfect sense.

The Nazis knew all about the power of image, (their emblems and uniforms stand to this day as the epitome of tyranny and evil,) so when it came time to fight fire with fire, what better way to counter the powerful symbolism of the Axis, than a god damn drunken bear in an Allied uniform? If, upon leaping into the trenches prepared for a brutal hand to hand fight, a Nazi soldier found it filled with bloodthirsty bears slamming whiskey – their immense paws filled with gargantuan artillery shells – you can safely count that soldier out of the rest of war. Even if he survives, he’s not fighting again.

“Sir, I’ve seen the enemy gunners. They’re bears!”

“You mean they fight like mighty bears!? My God!”

“No, sir! They’re literally fucking bears! I just went crazy as hell! I’m going home!”

“Weinerschnitzel!”

On duty, Voytek was trained to carry cases of ammunition and mortar shells down the line to waiting artillery, each one weighing hundreds of pounds. On one occasion, he wandered into an empty shower stall and surprised an Arabic spy who had been listening in on top secret information. The spy quickly surrendered and immediately confessed to all of his crimes, probably because he was smart enough to realize that any military unit possessing Anti-Espionage Bears are likely going to be on the winning side of the war.

When off duty, Voytek enjoyed the same luxuries as any other WWII era soldier. He drank cases of beer, smoked cases of cigarettes, and loved to wrestle with his fellow troops – a fact which leaves me in somewhat of a quandary: Who was more badass, the Nazi-fighting bear who wrestled full platoons of trained soldiers, or the men who routinely got body-slammed by him for shits ‘n giggles?

Voytek was so fearless in battle, and so beloved out of it, that the Second Polish Transport Company officially changed their insignia to this:

All military insignia are pretty uniformly badass. Their imagery is rife with skulls, guns, bombs, and lightning bolts; but all that shit’s got nothing on this simple, modest, and entirely accurate depiction of what appears to be a grizzly bear with bullets for fists.

After the war, Voytek retired to the Edinburgh zoo, and the rest of his company settled in the area around him. They visited him frequently, tossing him cigarettes and beer over the fence, and occasionally jumping the barricades to wrestle with him again. He lived to a relatively old age, eventually dying of natural causes, and I’m sure that he’s up there somewhere right now, drinking a case of whiskey, smoking a cigar, and eating Nazis in heaven.

Read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, which is still markedly better than fighting bears. Poor lil’ Nazis.