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Through metaphor, simile, or analogy, comic books reflect our meager human dramas in grandiose terms. They drive their simple points home in complicated ways – reflecting on the nature of good, the balance of power, and the personal responsibility of modern man. By virtue of outlandish scenarios and ridiculous plot points, they lay bare the reality of everyday life. Other times, real life says “fuck that noise,” and decides to show comic books how this shit is done. This is one of those times:

Thomas Leopold is the dean of an English tutorial college in Harrow, Middlesex. He is a wanted sex offender, and a pedophile. He is also so radioactive that he poses a danger to himself and others. And he is also, unfortunately, an escaped convict.

Start taking notes here, comic books, because this is how you write the perfect super-villain.

Leopold recently received an intensive radiation treatment, after he was given large doses of radioactive liquid iodine to combat a thyroid condition. Normally you’d be hospitalized for about six weeks after this kind of treatment, and your contact with others would be strictly monitored so that you don’t sicken your loved ones with your poisonous aura, but not Leopold. No, he’s most likely roaming the Irish countryside right now, probably not blasting kittens with his evil radiation pulses, (but one can be forgiven for assuming so.)

The real danger of Leopold comes from any first or even secondhand contact. Thomas Leopold is quite literally a radioactive man, and his physical body is easily capable of radiating others in his immediate vicinity. Whether that poisoning is from physically touching him, being too near him, or just using a seat soon after him, is really up to you and the metaphorical Russian Roulette you want to play with the nuclear man. The radiation can be passed by other means than strict contact, though – including saliva, sweat, or even urine. So, not only could he strangle you with his child-touching cancer hands, but the man literally pees nuclear poison!

He truly is the perfect antagonist: Point me to a more reviled villain than a child molester; point me to a more intimidating profession for that villain than a professor; now point me to better super-powers than the ability to sweat out a slow nebulous death, or just smothering your foes in a radioactive headlock.

Thomas Leopold, (or as I like to call him, Professor Polonium Pornography,) escaped the police while taking a ferry to Ireland in early February, 2009. Seeing as how he was radioactive and needed to be contained for public safety, he requested to remain in his own vehicle for the journey, which he was allowed to do after he showed his radiation card to ferry operators.

Which, incidentally, is the single most intimidating card a man can possess. Picture it: A sickly man stands before you – physically frail, though his intellect is still apparent by the keen dart of his eyes. He rubs his hands together and lewdly eyes your child across the room. You demand to see this man’s credentials, for what right does this horrible creature have to be here? He smiles amiably for the first time, his cruel face breaking at the seams with this obviously unfamiliar expression.

“My card,” he says, handing you a slip of faded white paper.

You turn it over and recognize the intimidating iconography of the international symbol for nuclear energy.

And as the lights suddenly begin to flicker and dim, you can see his bony hands – now glowing in the twilight – reach for his fly. Your throat tightens in fear; your mouth becomes impossibly dry.

“I’ve got to take a leak,” he cackles, “a reactor leak!”

But listen, even if you despise my inane ramblings, I want you to come away from this blog knowing one simple, undeniable thing: Any way you cut it, there is a British professor out there, right this second, who is pretty much a nuclear powered child molester. And  the world is simultaneously just a little more awesome, and a fuck-ton more terrifying because of it.

Read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, but nothing’s going to top the radioactive death urine.