So you think you’ve got the holidays all figured out? Joy, thanks, celebration, charity – throw in a little rum and some gravy – maybe take a swing at your step-dad, and call it a year. No surprises here, right? Wrong. Because the Messiah is finally back! It’s just not our messiah. The upside is that somebody’s experiencing the second coming of Jesus this year, the downside? It’s the sharks.
Scientists at a Virginia aquarium have confirmed that a female Blacktip shark has given birth to a pup with absolutely no male genetic material present. The female had not encountered a male in over eight years when the sweet baby Shark Jesus was born, making it truly and verifiably a “virgin birth.” And, though this kind of thing has been reported once before, this is the first time we’ve actually been able to confirm it…because the first one was promptly eaten by other Sharks mere moments after being born. So it’s safe to assume that Shark Jesus isn’t here to fuck around, because as rough as the human Christ had it in his short time here on earth, at least the three wise men didn’t follow the Christmas star for two months just to eat him the second he emerged from the womb.
A good chunk of the soon-to-be-written Shark Gospels can pretty much stay the same as in our bible, but this new, more terrifying savior doesn’t exactly seem the forgiving type, so the Sermon on the Mount, at least, is going to need some revising. Here are some suggestions:
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of my guts. Blessed are those who mourn, for there will be a shit-ton of them pretty quick. Blessed are the meek, for they are really easy to catch. Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account, for I will leap up to 25 vertical feet out of the water and eat them if they are within 25 vertical feet of the water.
You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, ‘You shall not murder’; and ‘whoever murders shall be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, eat them. Everything is food.
Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way to court with him, or your accuser may turn out to be Roy Scheider, and he may throw an oxygen tank into your mouth, and may shoot that oxygen tank, and your head may explode. That guy is a dick.
If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. Your leg is also incredibly sinful, especially that thick part of your thigh right towards the top. Get rid of that shit. Throw it in the water.
You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, “so what? I have protective film over my eyes and like seven hundred teeth. They’ll grow back in a day.
Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or you can say to your neighbor, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and then while he’s looking up and waiting for you to do it, you can bite him in the chest and then thrash around.
Everyone then who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who actually brought a bigger boat, and when the rain fell, and the floods came, and I bumped against it, it would not fall, because it was a reasonably sized vessel. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not act on them will be like a foolish man who stands right next to the mirror pool, and makes a really long speech about how he’s going to kick some ass, but then I eat him about halfway through and it is hilarious.
So, aside from those few quick edits (and maybe changing the seventh commandment to read “thou shalt not be Richard Dreyfuss,”) everything should be pretty much the same for you, Shark Jesus. Expect your time here to be much like your human analogue: Short, filled with strife, and relatively bloody. But if you don’t want to get overshadowed, I’d get a move on; I hear the reincarnation of Buddha is going to the Grizzlies, and there’s been some rather disturbing talk of an “emerging Snake Pope.”
You can read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots
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