Atom Blog

Sometimes you can protect the world with traditional methods (guns, fighter planes, sanctions) and sometimes you need to go with a giant robot piloted by teenagers. Meet Megabot, Atom’s brand new parody of teenage, robotic vigilantism (with Fran Kraz, from Dollhouse) that’s gone on just a little too long.

Inspired by Megabot, we put together a list of some of our favorite robotic advocates for interstellar justice.

 
 

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#1: Voltron
The pilots who assembled to form Voltron labored under the delusion they were worth half a shit. They insisted on attacking their demonic foes with the lion vehicles, which inevitably got swatted away with a lethargic backhand. Sure, they’d form Voltron to cleave their opponent just nanoseconds later, but that was coasting on technology to do the heavy lifting.

Worse, I am beginning to think part of Voltron’s core mission was ethnic cleansing. Outfits aside, his pilots showed about as much diversity as a Klan rally.

“We must rid the universe of evil King Zarkon! And Blacks!”

It’s funny how mankind’s vision of the future has shifted.  Not too long ago our conceptualization was basically a rehash of The Jetsons: super-skyscrapers, transport via human-sized habitrails, and jetcars propelled by concentric circles.

“Everyone in the future is happy despite the growing Ginger scourge”

It was as charming a notion as it was naive.  Courtesy of bad retreads of Isaac Asimov stories and the Terminator series, we now see how foolish those visions were. The robots are coming.  Sure, some of the robots will be really smoking hot, but is that any reason to welcome our sexy, sexy doom?

In the world of multiplayer first person shooters there are few more reviled than the “campers”.  These wretches are like an opportunistic infection, laying in wait for players at their most vulnerable before pouncing.  Typically this happens at locations where resurrected characters respawn, from largely unreachable sniping positions or shadowing the most emotionally unstable person in team chat.

And just like that, Maya knew she had a new bitch for the night

You’re not alone in your distaste for campers.  Nothing cheeses off the military more than combatants who insist on pussy strategies like not marching straight toward them.  It was a problem they struggled with for years until Obama found a pamplet that piqued his interest:

What Alliant Techsystems brought to the table is nothing short of a death knell for the camper scourge.  The XM25 rifle is sophisticated, powerful, and looks fantastic in earth tones.

I know you can’t see it, but I assure you the rifle is there.  And 15 ninjas.

The XM25 uses a laser to calculate the exact distance to whatever obstruction is housing the combatant.  Though the laser isn’t dangerous itself, the gun does provide an external speaker to make the “pew! pew!” sound while firing (it and can also be color-coded to red or blue, depending on whether you’re a good or bad-guy).  The rifle doesn’t just determine this information for score-keeping purposes – the distance is required so the gun can tell these 25 mm bullets how far to travel before they explode.

Think about the implications here. The typical options in this scenario have been a grenade launcher, which are limited in range and accuracy, or a $70k javelin missle.  With these bullets we can deliver pinpoint accurate fragging but still have budget left over to fund my Terminator Puppy initiative.

Admit it.  You’d never see it coming.

The bullets have their own microchip to store how far to travel before exploding.  Once fired, the bullet’s magnetic transducer creates an alternating current as it spins, which it uses to count rotations and calculate how far it has traveled.  We have officially entered an era where we are firing bullets better at math than we are.  Frankly, I thought it would come sooner.

It gets better.  As if having a rifle clip filled with tiny suicide bombers wasn’t enough, the operator can fine tune the point of explosion a couple of meters in front or behind the target.  This will defeat seeking cover behind a car, kneeling in a trench or even huddling inside a building.  This is a game-changer In terms of combat strategy, explaining the tone of the XM25’s new advertising campaign:

A weapon this sophisticated borders on the fantastic.  You can now pilot bullets with the type of control you’d only expect to get with some kind of telekenesis.  You’re firing MINDBULLETS.  Suck on that, Professor X.

No one could say that Michael Moore didn’t deserve what he got

Ian Chesman isn’t going to feel safe ever again, but with terminal cowardice that’s to be expected.  He often hides in his bunker at iancheesman.wordpress.com.

We’ve done features about the most terrifying animals in the world, and features detailing the many ways that robots seek to kill us. We were getting a terror gangbang from both ends – natural and artificial – but just when you thought all the holes were filled, a new contender steps in and violates you in ways you didn’t even know were possible. That new contender: Robot Animals!

Can I… can I say gangbang on the internet?

Mechanical Tiger

This is Sheva, a walking mechanical tiger built by Kezanti, a Belgian artist.

What it’s used for:

Like most of these robots, it’s an art project. However, unlike most of these robots, Kezanti is at least awesome enough to ride it around town, albeit very, very slowly. Although, honestly, what’s the hurry? You already have a robot tiger mount; you ain’t got shit else that needs doing.

What I Would Use It For:

Confusing the fuck out of real tigers. If we have to live in irrational fear of Terminators, I don’t see why tigers get a free pass.

Giant Twin Robot Spiders

This is one of a pair of giant robot spiders built by a French group called La Machine, for display at Expo Y150, a celebration in Yokohama on the 150th anniversary of the port.

What it’s used for:

The Expo Y150 festival was a showcase of both technology and art. And, seeing as how it was in Japan, these concepts were expressed with a giant horrifying robot.,The expo also serves as a kind of “terror reservoir” for anybody afraid of:

A. Spiders

B. Robots

C. Giants or

D. All of the above.

Ensuring that, over the next 150 years, no child will go untraumatized with such a vast pool of fear having been collected.

What I Would Use It For:

Exactly – and I mean EXACTLY – the same thing. I would run it into an unsuspecting town and use it to terrorize the population. The only difference between La Machine’s approach and mine, is that I would be perched atop a nearby water tower cackling maniacally and wearing a top hat while shouting spider-based puns at the victims.

40 Foot Tall Mechanical Elephant

This is the Sultan’s Elephant, the flagship exhibit of a show by the same name. It’s put on by the Royal De Luxe Theatre Company, and is mostly based on the more innocuous and endearing Arabic folklore – as opposed to the non-endearing folklore where women get raped by whirlwinds and such. That would not make for nearly as nice a parade.

What it’s used for:

It’s the centerpiece to a gigantic spectacle that tours the world and ignites the imaginations of children. Or it’s just compensating for the penis of whoever’s driving it. Because let’s face it, if we assume the guy in the black Hummer has size issues, the guy in the 40 foot tall robot elephant must be anatomically irrelevant.

What I would use it for:

Fucking killing Legolas. LET’S SEE YOU BRING IT DOWN NOW THAT IT IS ALSO A ROBOT, YOU HANDSOME, BASTARD ELF-WOMAN .

Robo-Snake

This is “snake,” a robot built by SINTEF.

What it’s used for:

It’s actually a rescue robot, designed to slip between the rubble to reach earthquake survivors, which it will then locate and relay footage of to rescuers. Sure, it might save a great deal of survivors from collapsed buildings, but it will kill just as many victims with heart conditions who, even assuming they survive the stress of the earthquake and subsequent trapping, will immediately stroke out and die when a fucking robot snake comes slithering out from the darkness, shining its one malevolent eye and twisting its creepy transparent carapace about their legs.

What I would use if for:

Probably to scare girls, like a fifth grader. A fifth grader with a robot arsenal at his disposal.

Animatronic Dinosaurs

These are but a few of the animatronic dinosaurs featured at the London Natural History Museum.

What it’s used for:

A spectacle for the kids who, while possibly bored to tears looking at rocks and bones, would probably instantly reconsider a potential career in archaeology after one short field trip to visit the Dino-Bots.

What I would use it for:

Transport. Nobody’s going to give you a ticket if you accidentally leave your solid-steel T-Rex double-parked.

Fire Horse

This is the Fire Horse: A mechanical, fire-breathing horse built by Paka.

What it’s used for:

It was an exhibition featured in Burning Man which, for those of you unaware, is like Mad Max with hippies.

What I would Use it for:

Making horse racing interesting again. Throw a tiny man on top of that thing, then show me it pounding into the final stretch while shooting fire at its competitors, and you can just have my money – straight up. Everybody’s already a winner in that scenario.

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Follow Robert on Twitter, on Facebook, or his own site, I Fight Robots.

Do you consider yourself a bit of a freak? Maybe you’ve tried some light bondage, had a threesome, experimented with roleplay? Most everybody has their dirty little quirks, and that’s just fine; if you can find a consenting adult But what if the very thing you’re attracted to is not only extremely unlikely to ever occur, but actually fundamentally impossible? Then you, like these poor bastards, have a self-defeating fetish. May god have mercy on your eternal blue balls.

Macrophilia

 

“What’s better than a woman with a giant rack?” You could probably find a hell of a lot of men to agree with that particular statement. They might even high five about it. But if you cut a few words from that question, you end up with “what’s better than a giant woman?” And if there was any justice in this world, that’s when you would lose some supporters. But the fetish, sadly, is very real: It’s called Macrophilia (link NSFW,) and it’s a sexual preference almost exclusively engaged in by men, who want to be dominated by enormous women. And we’re not talking Amazonian large, or NWBA giant, but sci-fi enormous, several-stories high Godzilla-style monstrosities.

 

The most common sexual act fantasized by a Macrophiliac is to be crushed beneath the feet of their Tokyo-destroying monstresses, and there’s almost a loose sort of logic to that: Part male submission, part female dominance, an unsettling smidge of foot fetish, just a dash of death wish, and garnish liberally with science fiction. Let all the ingredients simmer in insanity for a few hours and voila! You’ve got Macrophilia: A self-defeating fetish if there ever was one. Because well, unless you happen to be Ant Man, your boners will tragically go unsquished for all time.

Object Sexuality
 

Obectum-Sexuals have been getting a lot of exposure in the mainstream media lately, despite it being a seriously perverse and strange fetish. But it’s easy to get away with showing graphic Objectum-Sexual Pornography, because unless you already have the fetish, seeing a woman trying to ream an office building with its cargo doors open isn’t exactly lewd, it’s just baffling. But the recent rise to fame doesn’t make Objectum-Sexual any less self-defeating: As an Objectum-Sexual, you’re truly anthropomorphizing objects and then screwing them.

 

But if you truly view them as living objects, doesn’t that make you a rapist? After all, that warehouse’s foreboding protective brick exterior may say no, but can its elevators ever say yes? To their credit, most Objectum-Sexuals are at least swinging at the fastballs: Major Landmarks like the Taj Mahal, the Eiffel Tower, and The Great Wall are the most common sexual fantasies. Why bone a Wal-mart when the supermodels are just as willing? But that brings up an even more pressing question: If so many Objectum Sexuals are “pursuing relationships” with these famous landmarks at the same time, isn’t that infidelity? Can a monument have a threeway? Can a bridge cheat on you? If so, then there’s something I have to tell you, purely as a friend looking out for your wellbeing: That slutty Washington Monument has been eyefucking everybody that looks at it twice. Everybody knows it. I’m just sorry it had to be me to tell you.

Bladder Desperation

 

Bladder Desperation, Panty-wetting, or Omorashi: All words for an obscure fetish where people sexualize the feeling of a full bladder. It’s not just golden showers, or watersports, or whatever innocuous phrase people are using these days to pretend that getting pissed on is an acceptable substitute for sex – no, it’s specifically the feeling of a full bladder that is the focus of Omorashi sex. But don’t blame just the Japanese for this one; although it is predominantly found in Japan, there have been noted Bladder Desperationists (?) all throughout the world: Germany, Sweden, why, even here in the States. An American punk  band back in the ‘80s called the Cat Chaser Experience frequently wet themselves on stage, encouraging fans they called “wetty gurls” to do the same in the audience.

 

 

The truly sad part of the, however, is that you’ll probably never find anybody else into it – seeing as how anybody with a full enough bladder for you to find attractive is likely in a very large hurry elsewhere – and so probably won’t have the patience to even hear your explanation of the word, much less time to engage in your bizarre pee-based mating dance. Well, not intentionally, anyway.
 

Kigurumi

Kigurumi, however, can be blamed entirely on Japan; it’s the practice of dressing up (typically in a full body suit and mask,) like a cartoon character. Also called “Dollers,” practitioners are usually men crossdressing as anime-style schoolgirls, where they attend like-minded cons at expo centers, probably also scaring the holy shit out of unfortunate businessmen just trying to attend a conference on the wrong day.

 

Since speaking would ruin the illusion, Dollers usually just creepily grunt and mime about in their lifeless plastic little girl faces, and that’s why this is a self-defeating fetish: Because you are far, far too terrifying to fuck. Dead eyes, shiny complexion, unceasing stare, expressionless face, awkward, terrifying silence and bizarre inhuman gestures. You think I was talking about Kigurumi? No, I was talking about the Terminator. When you’re not sure whether something is describing your particular sexual fetish, or a robotic death machine sent back from the future to kill the only hope of man…well, maybe it’s time to reconsider what gives you boners.

Technosexual

 

There aren’t many Technosexuals out there, because the technology is just reaching the point where it’s even viable at all. And hell, even that is arguable – my computer can’t seem to close Word without crashing, I’m not sure I’d trust it with my penis. But hey, that’s just me. Some people like to live on the edge.

Some people like to screw robots.

Just ask Zoltan. Pretty much the pioneer of “technosexuality,” Zoltan has actually built himself a wife and sexual partner named Alice. She works off an AI chatbot developed to defeat the Turing Test, where she was specifically engineered to pass for human. Though Alice can only communicate with a limited set of phrases, she does have free will, argues Zoltan, and can therefore consent to all sexual intercourse, relationship decisions, and life choices. After all, she consented to their first sexual experience, insists Zoltan, as well as to their eventual marriage.

But of course, she also dumped Zoltan once.

And if anything, I think that actually goes to show that she does have free will: She’s at least conscious enough to realize that any guy who has to build himself a wife probably isn’t exactly “husband” material.

 

But when she dumped him, Zoltan (in a response that might have set his whole “robots are independent, consenting entities” agenda back just a smidge,) erased her memory and just started her over again. So hey, you’re free to make your own decisions, baby, just don’t decide anything Zoltan doesn’t want, or Zoltan will erase you.

When you put it that way, Zoltan sounds more like a supervillian than a mere pervert, and considering that the “sex” he engages in is enacted through a “teledildonic device,” I’d say that he’s a pretty good one, too. After all, if I was being threatened with a Teledildonic Device by Zoltan the Robot-Fucker, I’d probably just pay him whatever ransom he asks. I’m not sure what, exactly, a Teledildonic Device does, but I would give literally anything not to find out firsthand.

 

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Follow Robert on Twitter, on Facebook, or his own site, I Fight Robots.

As a child, did you ever get one of those crappy knock-off Radio Shack remote control cars as a gift? Nothing but kinked up wires attached to a 3 foot long cord, plastic wheels, and a made in Ukraine sticker on the bottom? Well, it’s time to start making up for it. How about starting off with an R.C. tiger? An actual, literal, remote controlled tiger. We’re not there yet, but we’re not as far off as you might think. Scientists are delving ever deeper into the somewhat disturbing realm of remote control animals, and here’s how they’re doing so far…

 

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One of the early successful attempts at remotely controlling another living creature was conducted by Yale scientists, who started things off small, and began experimenting on fruit flies.

 

Fruit flies are pretty basic creatures, so it makes sense to start with them when you ultimately decide to try your hand at both animal programming and blasphemy. They stimulated the neurons of the flies with laser pulses, which did prove successful in a small way. They could provoke periods of activity or inactivity, but that was pretty much it. And, because playing god is just no fun unless there’s a bit of terror in it, they then continued on to prove that the fruit fly doesn’t even need a brain to be controlled… by chopping its god damn head off!

 

So, undead laser controlled insects? Pretty good for a first try at horror, Yale! But, never content to leave well enough alone, scientists at Berkley went ahead and upped the terror ante by doing similar experiments with a Rhinoceros Beetle. Because if you’re trying to win the Fear Olympics, then tiny, nearly invisible, insect zombies definitely take second place to the World’s Largest Cyborg Beetle.

 

But unlike Yale, the Berkeley scientists didn’t kill their monster-thing. They just mounted radio-actuated electrodes in the beetle’s limbs and brain. This also gave them much more accurate control of the insect – actually allowing them to steer the beetle once they kickstarted it into motion. So good news for everybody that’s always wanted to be chased down by giant weaponized beetles controlled by hidden enemies! Not so good news for sanity and unshit pants.
 

 

 

What, you think that’s an exaggeration? The project was entirely funded by DARPA… for primary use in military applications. They chose this particular beetle because it can carry up to 3 grams worth of equipment, but the Control Rig only weighs 1.3. This leaves them with a relatively small, but still pretty useable amount of cargo weight in which to pack all sorts of things. For the time being, that cargo is likely going to be little more than a camera or microphone for surveillance purposes, but it’s not hard to conceive of other uses. How much can a needle and an effective poison weigh? How much C4 does it take to blow up a face? Somewhat disturbing questions, to be sure, but now at least you have an excuse that’ll make you look like a bit less of a pussy when you run away from spiders screaming: They could very well be explosive assassins controlled by the government.

 

So far remote control seems to be limited to the insect realm, and making that leap to a mammalian brain has to be a much more complicated process. So it’s likely a fair ways off before you’re able to buy your kid his first R.C. Grizzly Bear…right?

No!

Ha! Science got you again!

Scientists at the State University of New York have already trained rats to obey remote signals at a distance of up to 500 yards. 

 

They achieved this by wiring the rat’s brain up with three sensors – one to the area that controls the right whiskers, one to the left, and one to the reward center. They stimulate the area of the brain associated with which direction the rat needs to turn, and stimulate the reward center if it obeys. After about five sessions, the rats obeyed without question. A human operator was then able to navigate them blindly through a maze, force them to leap from high ledges, or just shut them down completely.

The best part?

All of the equipment only cost them about $40 bucks. That’s right! For less than the price of a video game, you could suck the free will from a living creature and replace it with your own instead! Hey, don’t say the future never gave you nothing: Because even if you’re not into defying morality in order to possess similar powers to Aquaman and the Rat King – the future will now, at the very least, give you some pretty kickin’ nightmares.

 

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Read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots

If you’re anything like me, you’re constantly haunted by the desire to be physically handicapped.  It’s not that I crave overcoming the obstacles of an occasionally inhospitable world – that sounds like a lot of work.  I didn’t exactly get into writing because I enjoy exertion.  Sloth is actually my primary motivation because these days you can get machines to do

everything

for you.

Who wouldn’t throw themselves in front a moving car (preferably a hybrid subcompact designed to only lightly maim pedestrians) to get access to a robot who can not only lift you out of bed, but is coordinated enough to make you a Spanish omelette.  This machine is so sophisticated it can even be programmed to have ulterior motives for providing a delicious breakfast in bed:

“I was thinking after you eat we could go to Bed, Bath & Beyond?”

Hell, you don’t even need hands anymore.  Still, don’t run out and buy those deep-discounted used bungee cords for bridge jumps over Neckbreaker Ravine just yet.  For all of the advances science has made to counter life’s obstacles, there have been some glaring oversights.  As evidenced this week in Florida, science has chosen to overlook everyone’s basic, inalienable right to commit crime.  A 45-year-old wheelchair-bound man, wishing only to have the chance to rob a bank like any other American, quickly realized the technology at his disposal was grossly discriminatory.  He was nabbed by officials one block away from the bank, probably because his Rascal was foiled by an especially steep speedbump.

“For what it’s worth, this was the most successful getaway by a drunken paraplegic traveling 7 m.p.h. that I can remember.”

We must ask ourselves as a people why we have allowed Science to be such a prejudiced bag of dicks.  The technology to allow this caper to succeed exists, but Science has forced its subjective non-bank-robbing morality by not implementing it.  Take his wheelchair, for example.  The average motorized wheelchair fleeing at top speed would be easily overtaken by SWAT’s moped patrol.  However, if more of them came with a nitrous oxide (NOS) system installed as stock, a whole world of criminal opportunity opens up.  It’s what Vin Diesel would do – has his judgement ever lead us astray?

“It comes in two modes – ‘Fast’ and ‘Furious’.  I’m a big fan of ‘Furious’, but that’s just me.”

It doesn’t end with transportation either.  The aforementioned man had no better use for his prosthetic leg than as storage for this ill-gotten gains while escaping.  It’s a sad world when people see more utility in their fake leg as a coin purse than a conveyance.  That’s why I’m so pleased to see Honda recently unveil its design for robotic legs to assist people in his situation.  They claim this apparatus is primarily designed to empower the elderly and enhance productivity for factory workers, but what better time to enhance mobility than during a foot chase with po-po on your tail?

“Some users complained that the seat tended to ride up, but others quietly confessed it was their favorite feature.”

Honda, since you seem to be the only company with a commitment to cybernetic crime, let me make a further request.  Most of the prosthetic hands being developed are focusing on delicate finger articulation, meaning they’re overlooking critical features like Kung Fu Grip.  Not the anemic version proffered by G.I. Joe figurines frozen in perpetual handshake preparation, but an actual flesh clamp with the power of an entire martial art distilled into it.  I’ve even come up with the initial marketing:

With the ongoing partnership between Honda and villainy, the handicapped are no longer relegated to be “the ingenious hacker” in crime syndicates.  Now they can be the muscle.  The human spirit triumphs in the face of adversity yet again!

“No, I don’t have a gun.  But if you don’t give me the cash I’ll tear your arms off.  Puny human.”

Ian Cheesman is aware that the content of this article is potentially controversial, but that’s why he was so diligent about avoiding the term “cripple”.  Oh shit.  Where’s the delete key on this infernal handless keyboard?