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Oh you people, with your intensely graphic, violent, animations about cartoon characters murdering dictators… Why is it that the weirdest clips we get are all animated?

As best as I can tell, this is what is “supposed” to be the narrative of this video: Osama, Adolf, and Leatherface are having a sleepover, and they’re up past their bed time playing video games and shit get’s crazy. And then Mario shoots everyone.

Someone once told me that there’s something special about being effortlessly weird. While there’s definitely something self conscious about this clip, it somehow manages to overcome that aspect of itself to become something I’d call “truly out there”. Is this parody? Is there a message? Perhaps meangreen3 is the product of the same violent media he preaches against? And still, the circle continues.

Sometimes you can protect the world with traditional methods (guns, fighter planes, sanctions) and sometimes you need to go with a giant robot piloted by teenagers. Meet Megabot, Atom’s brand new parody of teenage, robotic vigilantism (with Fran Kraz, from Dollhouse) that’s gone on just a little too long.

Inspired by Megabot, we put together a list of some of our favorite robotic advocates for interstellar justice.

 
 

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#1: Voltron
The pilots who assembled to form Voltron labored under the delusion they were worth half a shit. They insisted on attacking their demonic foes with the lion vehicles, which inevitably got swatted away with a lethargic backhand. Sure, they’d form Voltron to cleave their opponent just nanoseconds later, but that was coasting on technology to do the heavy lifting.

Worse, I am beginning to think part of Voltron’s core mission was ethnic cleansing. Outfits aside, his pilots showed about as much diversity as a Klan rally.

“We must rid the universe of evil King Zarkon! And Blacks!”

True to my media roots, this week I vacilated between writing about sex or violence.  Headlines highlighting either were in abundance.  It was almost as if The Joker’s nefarious scheme to free all the inmates of Arkham Asylum was partially thwarted by Batman, allowing only the "bloodlust" and "pervert" wings to escape. 

The deviants were off to an early lead.  One inmate managed to trek all the way to Australia, rise in prominence as a litigator, and use the platform to motion the country’s Fair Trade Council to purchase a dildo for one of its ministers.  He justified these government funds by suggesting she would "stop screwing with the people of Strathfield and screw herself instead". 

Still, the carnage unleashed by the psychopaths was even more creative and ultimately won my affections.  Don’t let that deflate you, sex offenders.  Every day is a fresh opportunity to taint, degrade, and violate the world, as my mother used to say.

Did you clean your room, or does someone need another cockspanking?

 

Blood On The Ethernet
This week the streets of Florida got 0.03% little less bizarre when William "Srs Bzns" Cruz was sentenced to 30 years in jail.  His eruption of violence could have been a scene right out of Boyz N Tha Hood, if Compton was just a chatroom on Latinchat.com.

Cruz frequented the Cuba1 chatroom, along with chatters "El Habanero” (Havana Man), ”La Gata Fiera” (The Raging Cat) and ”Pollos Muertos Bailan Sobre Mi Cabeza, Pero No Me Gusta” (Dead Chickens Dance On My Head, But I Don’t Like It).   Cruz was known as "Cubano35" (which, if my 3 years of high school spanish serve me, translates to "I’m Probably Going To Shoot One Of You In The Face 35").  Cruz demonstrated general animosity towards the group, but was particularly enraged by Yanko Diaz.  Diaz was known as "Latengoparada", a phrase indicating his sexual arousal, which should help frame the maturity of the chatroom’s discourse.

 

The in-fighting escalated to a challenge to meet at a dimly lit corner of a closed superstore parking lot.  Diaz’s survival instincts clearly lacked the same level of arousal that his penis did.  He was shot in the left thumb, right wrist and buttocks, indicating he was genuinely trying to cover his ass.  Doughboy would have never gone out like that.

 

Two Sophomore Enter, One Sophomore Leave
A Dallas high school has instituted a bold new policy that will revolutionize disciplinary techniques.  The new regime directs students to collaborate on creative solutions to their conflicts, with the provision that they do so inside the specified metal cage and honor standard tapout rules .  They’re not savages, after all.

Pictured: Not savagery

 

Of course those pencil-pushers in the school district office didn’t appreciate using  Thunderdome as homeroom.  They uncovered it during an investigation on grade-tampering for student athletes, which is like a cop pulling over someone with a busted tail-light and realizing they’re trafficking illegal immigrant sex offenders with heroin balloons in their ass.  Oddly enough, it was the school’s request to the district to update their school mascot that raised some suspicions of an expanding alpha-dog culture:

It’s furry humor without the furry joke.  My humor has LEVELS.
 

A middle school counselor in the district said the culture at South Oak Cliff High, where many teachers are alums and have relatives in their classrooms, kept anyone from speaking out.  For those not reading between the lines, he just basically accused an entire educational institution of inbreeding.

 

Fore By Fore
Golf is awesome.  I used to think it was just a forum for doughy white men vying for promotions, using 18 holes to accomplish what a 3 minute blowjob under the CEO’s desk would achieve.  Courtesy of Linda Pearce, I now know it is so much more.

Pearce told witnesses she was going to run over Verma Boylan while carousing outside the country club’s bar.  Apparently Pearce was known for speaking in metaphor and this didn’t raise any red flags.  She then hopped in her golf cart, ran down Boylan and dragged her underneath the cart about 15 feet, because Pearce valued integrity as much as retribution.  Upon reflection, Pearce’s friends admitted that her choice of golf cart should have been cause for concern:

 

I’d like to think Pearce’s motviation was an elaborate tale of bitter lies and vicious betrayals, the kind of thing that Kill Bill character prologues are made of.  However, since there’s little evidence that her 56 year old victim was ever a member of either the Crazy 88 or Deadly Vipers Assassination Squad, it’s more likely that Pearce was just batshit insane.

Fearing lawsuits, the country club took drastic preventative measures:

 

Ian Cheesman may have inadvertently photoshopped his dream vehicle above.  The only thing it lacks is a hood large enough to support a bikini-clad slut and an airbrushed scenicanemia.com logo.

Check out more articles from Ian and other Atom bloggers right here.

Some things just naturally go together – peanut butter and chocolate, rock music and cocaine, yardwork and cocaine, or, in very particular circumstances, peanut butter and cocaine.  We may not be able to identify what renders certain pairings so harmonious, yet it is evident to all sentient beings how awesome this is:

Hey, Bruckheimer – If this doesn’t end up in your next movie we’re not talking anymore

Despite what the harmony-loving peaceniks might say, guns are likewise an ideal companion to just about everything.  Just look at Bruce Willis.  Take an actor with a receding hairline and limited prospects from the cheesy romantic dramedy Moonlighting, add a gun and suddenly you’ve got John Motherfucking McClane.

The Willis Theorem

Still not convinced?  Allow me to demonstrate how guns, mankind’s deadliest penis extension, have an uncanny way of making everything better.

How To Measure Lethality

While this has zero utility as a gun, there is no disputing that this ruler may well be powerful enough to make math cool in way it hasn’t been since Pythagoras was on the scene.

“Life ain’t nuthin but hypotenuses and money”

I suppose it could be used for stabbing in a pinch.  Wait, hold this blog for a moment…I think I may have just revolutionized modern warfare…

Point And Click (Sans Fatality)

As novel and practical as this might be in the field, the risk of carrying a camera that could be mistaken for a gun is probably too great a risk for most.  On the other hand, cameras are notoriously flimsy for pistol whipping people who jump into frame uninvited.  I’m torn.

N.R.A. Approved Golfing

Usually when golfers shout “Fore!” it’s to signal “Watch your head!” rather than “BOOM! HEADSHOT!”.  Though these appear to be the brainchild of engineers working for Jackass, Inc. these are legitimately designed for golfers who lack the physical capacity to play traditionally.  Still, I question how long could any warm-blooded man geared with one could resist an impromptu round of skeet golfing.

Bad Pun About High Caliber Art Goes Here

Art should transcend rational thought and mingle with viewers’ souls.  Gun art takes things one step further by making all viewers consider that their souls might be hastily dispatched to the afterlife if someone bumps the installation.  This piece is like a portal directly into my nightmares, apart from the fact that this arachnid made of guns isn’t telling everyone I still pee the bed.

Which Is Docking Which?

For only $12 in app store cash, an iPod touch, some superglue and an acute psychotic break you too can become an assassin (bell tower or book repository not included).  The application calculates how to adjust for environmental factors that may affect your accuracy, but cannot stop the demons in your head goading you.

Even if this doesn’t look all that sophisticated, consider what the previous generation was like:

“Every time I miss a headshot on that dictator my goddamn music skips!”

Ian Cheesman would like to thank gizmodo.com for making research of insanity so simple.  I like them so much I’m not even going to link to internetsensation.com this week.  Ooops.

Check out more posts from Ian and other Atom bloggers here.